choices

Title: Choices

Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 4 x 4 feet

Life is all about choices. . . . and the choices that we make at the present determine our future.




What choices have I made ?
1. To love myself more... Put me on top of my list of priorities. If self sacrifice leads to unhappiness and robs me of the joy, the peace and the calm that I have tried to achieve, then , I'll choose to walk away , protect myself from self centered, self absorbed, unhappy, ungrateful and unappreciative persons in my life...HAPPINESS is my first choice.

2. Husband,son, .... sisters and their families, Dad,,,, are next in my list of priorities. I only wish them health and success in whatever they do in their lives.

3. Gratitude.... I choose to express my gratitude to people who love me back. Friends who patiently read my blogs, are people who are worthy of being my friend, because they are interested in my life, in what I do, what I have to say, what I think, what I have become and how I have reinvented myself, in order to become a better version of the old betot, now called , betsisanders.

4. Forgiveness... forgive those who have hurt me... and by giving up the right to retaliate, get even, or think monstrous thoughts of assassinating them , is enough for me to 'move on' with my life. I have sent them to God , who is the ultimate judge.... I always say, it takes two to fight and two to make things right. Ganoon lang ka simple... but who will make the first move? oh well.... that's a choice that I have to make sometime in the future, and if time runs out, then , so be it...

[Look at what a person does during her spare time and you will know what that person is worth? who is more worthy ??? one who creates art, writes, bakes, cooks, and spends time with nice girls......or one who just spends the time away, gossiping? spending long hours on the phone talking about other people's lives or goes around their neighborhood in search of the latest scoops and gossips, or one who brags about material things that she has acquired which she never worked for, but only inherited...:( one who brags about her possessions, properties and acquisitons....]

[when you enter the gates of heaven... God asks you... what have you done for others? what have you shared with those friends and people in need of assistance? what have you given up? have you shared your time, your knowledge, your dental expertise, your cakes, pastas with your closest of friends? have you given FREE art lessons, and fed your students free merienda after each art lesson? have you thrown a party in honor of a best friend or a balikbayan, where you personally cooked and baked and cleaned your house, just so, your balikbayan friend is welcomed? have you paid your friends car's amortization for 6 months, and never asked anything in return when she got the car back? have you given a luncheon just because your best friend's children had voice recitals? have you catered for the wake of your best friends' dead father and stayed until midnight to welcome their guests, while your bff had gone home to bed? have you given free orthodontic treatment, worked so hard even when your entire back became stiff and painful that you had to take more painkillers, just so, you can lie in bed and fall asleep for a few hours? have you ????... well...i have.... i did... and where are the recipients of my generosity? no where around... and i am the bad guy... the one they blame for having a strong personallity. for coming in too strongly... for being honest and straightforward. my peronality used against me. all the good things that i have done for them,they have forgotten and blamed me for everything... sometimes, i jokingly say... "okay na... pati sa kamatayan ni jose rizal, ako na rin ang may kasalanan. matigil na lang yan!"]

so what choice did i make??? I walked away,,, turned my back.. closed my door, kept them shut and kept them that way...


5. Choice # 5.... surround yourself with beautiful, smart, fun- loving, genuine, aprreciative persons who love you back.

6. Choose to purchase theatre tickets,movie tickets, or things that need not be carried. Choose to have fun memories of parties. Choose to have stuff that will be stored in your memory banks and not in your closets to gather dust.


7. Choose to thank those people who have been good to you, who have helped you , who have been part of your life and have remained to be your dearest friends who love you back.

8. Choose to remember only happy thoughts. Your son's first steps, first words, first everything. You husband's monthly gifts of orchids and chocolates. Your husbands 'loud laughter' and funny antics. Your husband's many needed hugs. Your husband's kindness, caring and patience.

9. Choose to spend some time for QUIET time.... praying, painting, reading or writing.

10. Lastly,,, choose life , love and happiness always.... but don't forget to eat and be merry... or dance the night away.


LIVE LOVE & PARTY... betsisanders 09

two women :) by betsisanders

"The first woman is me, betsisanders.
The second, can be any one of my best friends."
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Every artist, at one point in her life, will create a self portrait. At this point in my 'career' in the visual arts, I am still unable to make perfect portraits. I need to learn more about the anatomy of the human face and body, and still need to master how to combine the different colors / media to be able to make real life images of people. Have been painting for 9 years and I am still learning.

When I made these paintings, there were 3 women paintings, 3 women friends, namely, betsisanders, lilet & "she". I will not mention her name here. Anyway, her identity is known by my closest friends. So where then is the third painting? I destroyed it and with it, went all the memories of 'her'.

Destroying the painting and throwing it in the garbage was the easy part of letting go, of leaving the past, or of erasing 'her' in my life.

It took me years to fully recover from the hurt, the pain, the sadness and the anger. Many sleepless nights and gallons of tears poured out from my heavy eyelids; 'chest pains' & 'heart aches' caused me so much anguish, and monstrous thoughts occupied my mind. That's how it feels when a best friend has turned into a frenemy, when one's friendship was taken for granted, when lies and deception took the place of trust, when one's kindness was not appreciated, when one's love was ignored, when truthfulness became inexistent, when one was just a 'useful' person to be with, when one was simply needed, when gratitude was never given, and when one was not loved back.

I chose to run away, turned my back, looked the other way. Like the two ducks, who flapped their wings to let off the steam, and then went in separate ways, as if no argument or fight ever happened. But when one does this, other friends are caught in the middle. So as not to burden those other friends, I too have run away from them. I found other people in my life more worthy of my love and attention. I surrounded myself with friendships that are not heavy, that do not drag me down, if only to save myself from her 'sinking ship'.

Maybe one day, someday, our paths will cross again. In the meantime, I have forgiven her and myself, and have let God handle the situation. Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me. Detachment is the solution when two people have found themselves in relationships that are damaging to both persons. Married couples divorce or separate from each other... and friends can do that to, if only to pursue happiness and live a quiet, peaceful, and blissful life.

'It takes two to tango', two to fight and two to make things right. A third person can act as an intermediary, but somehow, people choose to take the side of the person who cries loudest. They choose to remain in the middle and not act as a mediator. ... but what really saddens me is that I know in my heart that they have taken her side, and ignored my truth. It's sad , very sad....:(

There are many other wonderful individuals out there and one just has to make new relationships in life, in order to have fun and be happy. Sometimes, it is seen as a blessing that one has learned the truth about the other early on in their relationship. It is better to have found out early on that she was not worth my time, my love and my friendship.

For now, there will only be two women ......

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As I finish this blog about 'two women', I realize that there are other women friends I have that can be represented by the other woman in those paintings. What better time to write about these other women friends than now?

Maria, the youngest of my siblings. We used to go shopping all day at Rustan's, Ali Mall and Shoe Mart during the 90's. We would come home with 15 or more bags, would have difficulty carrying our 'loot' to our bedrooms. Maria now lives in Sacramento, but we are in constant communication with each other through email, skype or even thru texts. Maria is 'soft spoken', kind, refined, courteous, non-violent, and very pleasant. Maybe that's why we get along. I am totally her opposite. I need not write how different I am from Maria, but we get along perfectly well. Maria is the beautiful version of my self... hair always neatly done, never without makeup, fashionably dressed, always in high heels and very prim and proper. (In my younger years, I used to wear 4 1/2 inch heels, never left the house without makeup and was always dressed in tailored suits or designer jeans. But as I aged, I have dressed down, have become simpler.) I probably can never thank Maria enough for all the goodies, gifts and medicines that she and her hubby , Doc chito, have given and shared with me, Boyet and Alvin through the years. Always remember that I appreciate your generosity and will forever be grateful... and that you will always be blessed because you have shared what you have and by doing so, you will be rewarded more.

Aimee, my best friend and ninang of Alvin. We have been friends for 34 years. She has always been a constant companion during 'lakwatsa' days in high school. She used to be a "phone pal", where we spent hours talking on the phone, listening to music on the phone, and just wasting the time away on the phone. As we got older, and pursued different careers, we have remained friends and no one or nothing can possibly destroy this bond that we have. She is my personal ,if not , family physician, who was with me when I delivered my first baby...(because Boyet was working in the desert and could not be present). She took care of my Nanay's pain management during the long 18 month ordeal before her demise. She is always "on call" whenever I am in need of medical help. But more than just being helpful, she and I understand each other, and probably no one, or nothing can change this understanding and respect that we have for each other. Thank you Aimee for always being my best friend and best ninang.

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I cannot end this blog without talking about Lilet... We were never really close friends in college. She belonged to a different 'barkada'. Only 'knew' her through our common friend, now our common frenemy. Our frenemy left for the US, 9 years ago, .. told us that she was going to pursue her 'american dream'. Lilet and I supported her. While she was gone for months, she left a 'vacuum', an emptiness, that probably Lilet and I felt at that time. I remembered calling Lilet and had our hair done together. We never did this before. This sort of 'girl bonding', salon activity was only done with our common friend. That was in the year 2000. My mother died, and our 'friend' was in the States starting a new life, or so we thought. Lilet came to my mother's wake, burial and 9th day prayer. I can never forget how she took the place of my ex-bff. My other friends wondered who Lilet was and why she was suddenly present during the saddest moment of my life. I can never thank you enough, my dear Lilet, for giving me the support that I needed during the loneliest time of my life. I will always be forever grateful for your kindness. You are one of the few women friends that I will forever keep in my heart.

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I have many other women friends, even gay friends and guy friends. One day, I will write about you too. Just have to make a painting that would best represent you. But for now... there will only be two women.

July 7, 2009 / dawn

FLOWERS

Title: FLOWERS
Medium: OIL
These 2 oil paintings are one of the first paintings of flowers that I have done. Flowers are my favorite subjects when making still-life paintings.






















TITLE: (Flowers) Mother & Child
Medium: Watercolor
Size: 16 x 20 inches















TITLE: Forgiveness (Orchids)
Medium: Watercolor
Size: 24 x 30 inches




TITLE: LOVE (orchids)
Medium: Acrylic
Size: 12 x 16 inches


Watercolor was used on the following paintings of beautiful flowers. I have made other versions of these same flowers and have given them away as gifts to my friends. Some have been donated to the University of the Philippines College of Dentistry. Others have been sold during exhibits or bought by friends to be given away as gifts too.

The first time I received three red roses was during the summer of 1982. The roses came with an unsigned card. I was familiar with the handwriting and had an inkling as to the identity of the person who sent the roses.
He bought the flowers from a shop near his home in Pasig. That was 27 summers ago.





















Before that summer of 1982, this guy gave my best friend, Susan, a ceramic figurine of a swan, since her nickname was Swanee. The girls in class were making such a big fuss about the whole 'ceramic swan gift'. They speculated that he liked Susan. A month later, this same guy gave my other close friend, Millet, some chocolates on her birthday. Again, the girls 'talked" and 'talked' about him, saying, it's not Susan he likes but Millet. :)

Then we had this class song and dance number, where we performed to the tune of "I Can't Smile Without You."... Our class won the competition even if we didn't sound very good, but we all danced very very well (even hired a choreographer)... and those old Shakey's hats were a hit. One classmate took photos of the whole song and dance number and here comes this same guy, and ordered almost all the photos. WOW!!! he must really like Susan or Millet.

I had all the copies of the photos that he ordered. I looked at every photo and did some 'sleuthing'... or some process of elimination. I noticed that in the photos that he bought, I had good shots and in some photos, Susan and Millet were not in their best poses. Hmmmm.... I just pushed it away from my mind. I might just be imagining things and getting carried away with all the speculations our girl classmates were making.

Until that memorable summer day in 1982.... It was me he liked. I asked him why he had to give Susan the ceramic swan. He said, he had another one for me, a ceramic pig..... ha ha ha... but somehow he broke it and was not able to give it to me. Then , why give Millet the chocolates? He was just too shy to give them to me. But during the summer, he just had to let me know about his feelings.

He said that he noticed me since first year Dentistry proper. He noticed the loud, 'matapang', outspoken, candid, confident, girl who smoked, drank, partied a lot and drove a yellow sports car. I asked,"why me?"... and said that he has 'loved'...o ayan,, loved ang word, the first time he set his eyes on me. WOW... who wouldn't say yes to this kind of proposal?

Too good to be true. Who would like a fat girl? ,, someone who was a bit 'bitchy' at times and can be very annoying, feisty. aggressive, and even quarrelsome sometimes. A girl who smokes and drinks with the boys in class. How could I have been his type? It's probably love... so love is blind huh? Oh yeah, he wore prescription glasses then.

That summer, he came to the house with his cousin. They rode their racer bikes just to visit me. The next time, he didn't bring his cousin along anymore. Classes started and one evening, when the gang watched a concert at the Paco Park, he joined us. Kept very very close to me. Held my hand, Placed his arm on my shoulder and .... the rest is history.

I confided with Millet... told her that he is so 'baduy'... he even wears checkered pants. Millet said,,, he can always change his pants to designer jeans and learn not to be so baduy....and what's wrong with being baduy?

I was 22 then, never had a boyfriend, just had many guy and gay friends, always in Coco Banana partying, drinking and smoking not just cigarettes but 'jutes'. I said to myself that if at this age, I still didn't have a boyfriend, I would stop that horrible torture called dieting. The fat chubby arrogant flamboyant girl, that's me, found someone... or did he find me?

Boyet transformed into a very handsome boyfriend. I got more than handsome, I got a very humble, kind, caring, loving and GOOD man in my life.

Boyet never gave me flowers again, after that summer. I expected him to give me flowers on special occasions but he never did. Only to realize, later on, that he couldn't afford to always give me flowers back then. But now that he has a successful career and a well paying job, he never forgets to bring me orchids from Singapore, where their head office is located. He also brings me bags of chocolate from duty free , as if I am not a diabetic. He has provided me for all my needs, even gave me a Ford Expedition, a guzzler !!!... and I am the only one who drives it, aside from him and, only on few occasions can the driver drive the Ford.

Having a husband was never in my wildest dreams. I wanted to travel and live in a high end high rise condominium in New York, and be with my gay friends. but when Boyet came along, all my plans changed. I decided to settle and raise a family,be domesticated, be a housewife and forget about the post graduate training or my american dream.

But is it all worth it? YES... every bit of it is worth it. I am glad and honored to be loved and cared for by this simple, loving, caring, 'sometimes funny ' or baduy guy,.... the father of my son, Boyet.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally, for being the most understanding person i know, who tolerates my moods, who never gets angry even when I kicked and pushed and pinched him out of my frustrations. He makes me feel wanted and needed because he truly loves me. This is so much different from being loved because one is needed. So my dearest Boyet... Belated Happy Fathers Day... you are simply the best Daddy Boyet.
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At my age... flowers scare me.... so my dear friends and family, i would welcome it very much if you too gave me flowers, while I can still see, smell and touch them. You can also send me mass cards and pray for the repose of my soul while I am still around so I can say thank you to all of you dear friends, who love me back, who are grateful for the many little things I have done for you. To those whom I have turned my back upon, may you all be blessed by God.. maybe someday, our paths will cross again, and all things will be forgotten and forgiven. But for now, I leave it up to God, who sees the real me and maybe soon, you will see me too.

I say, Let go and Let God do the rest. Forgiveness is setting you free... it is giving up the thought or the right to retaliate, to get even,or assasinate frenemies .... ......instead,I'll transform my monstrous thoughts into delicious foods and desserts, or make simple works of art,

Again, I am only able to paint, read a lot, write, cook and bake.. because Boyet allows me. He provides for all my wants and needs. Love , respect and gratitude are all that I can give you my darling, Boyet. I seldom say 'God Bless You'.. am not the type to be religious or sanctimonious... but for you I pray and say..... Thank you Lord for Boyet, he is the best blessing that you have given me.

Flowers.... makes a little girl smile; makes a young lady's heart go pitter-patter, or makes an elderly woman's spirit soar. Give flowers when one is aware, awake and alive... not when one is laid down to rest in peace.

Take care my friends and frenemies....i'll accept your flowers and mass cards / prayers for the repose of my soul ...'now na' ...:):) :) :)

betsisanders 09 / july 3 at dawn