"The first woman is me, betsisanders.
The second, can be any one of my best friends."
>>>>>>
Every artist, at one point in her life, will create a self portrait. At this point in my 'career' in the visual arts, I am still unable to make perfect portraits. I need to learn more about the anatomy of the human face and body, and still need to master how to combine the different colors / media to be able to make real life images of people. Have been painting for 9 years and I am still learning.
When I made these paintings, there were 3 women paintings, 3 women friends, namely, betsisanders, lilet & "she". I will not mention her name here. Anyway, her identity is known by my closest friends. So where then is the third painting? I destroyed it and with it, went all the memories of 'her'.
Destroying the painting and throwing it in the garbage was the easy part of letting go, of leaving the past, or of erasing 'her' in my life.
It took me years to fully recover from the hurt, the pain, the sadness and the anger. Many sleepless nights and gallons of tears poured out from my heavy eyelids; 'chest pains' & 'heart aches' caused me so much anguish, and monstrous thoughts occupied my mind. That's how it feels when a best friend has turned into a frenemy, when one's friendship was taken for granted, when lies and deception took the place of trust, when one's kindness was not appreciated, when one's love was ignored, when truthfulness became inexistent, when one was just a 'useful' person to be with, when one was simply needed, when gratitude was never given, and when one was not loved back.
I chose to run away, turned my back, looked the other way. Like the two ducks, who flapped their wings to let off the steam, and then went in separate ways, as if no argument or fight ever happened. But when one does this, other friends are caught in the middle. So as not to burden those other friends, I too have run away from them. I found other people in my life more worthy of my love and attention. I surrounded myself with friendships that are not heavy, that do not drag me down, if only to save myself from her 'sinking ship'.
Maybe one day, someday, our paths will cross again. In the meantime, I have forgiven her and myself, and have let God handle the situation. Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me. Detachment is the solution when two people have found themselves in relationships that are damaging to both persons. Married couples divorce or separate from each other... and friends can do that to, if only to pursue happiness and live a quiet, peaceful, and blissful life.
'It takes two to tango', two to fight and two to make things right. A third person can act as an intermediary, but somehow, people choose to take the side of the person who cries loudest. They choose to remain in the middle and not act as a mediator. ... but what really saddens me is that I know in my heart that they have taken her side, and ignored my truth. It's sad , very sad....:(
There are many other wonderful individuals out there and one just has to make new relationships in life, in order to have fun and be happy. Sometimes, it is seen as a blessing that one has learned the truth about the other early on in their relationship. It is better to have found out early on that she was not worth my time, my love and my friendship.
For now, there will only be two women ......
>>>
As I finish this blog about 'two women', I realize that there are other women friends I have that can be represented by the other woman in those paintings. What better time to write about these other women friends than now?
Maria, the youngest of my siblings. We used to go shopping all day at Rustan's, Ali Mall and Shoe Mart during the 90's. We would come home with 15 or more bags, would have difficulty carrying our 'loot' to our bedrooms. Maria now lives in Sacramento, but we are in constant communication with each other through email, skype or even thru texts. Maria is 'soft spoken', kind, refined, courteous, non-violent, and very pleasant. Maybe that's why we get along. I am totally her opposite. I need not write how different I am from Maria, but we get along perfectly well. Maria is the beautiful version of my self... hair always neatly done, never without makeup, fashionably dressed, always in high heels and very prim and proper. (In my younger years, I used to wear 4 1/2 inch heels, never left the house without makeup and was always dressed in tailored suits or designer jeans. But as I aged, I have dressed down, have become simpler.) I probably can never thank Maria enough for all the goodies, gifts and medicines that she and her hubby , Doc chito, have given and shared with me, Boyet and Alvin through the years. Always remember that I appreciate your generosity and will forever be grateful... and that you will always be blessed because you have shared what you have and by doing so, you will be rewarded more.
Aimee, my best friend and ninang of Alvin. We have been friends for 34 years. She has always been a constant companion during 'lakwatsa' days in high school. She used to be a "phone pal", where we spent hours talking on the phone, listening to music on the phone, and just wasting the time away on the phone. As we got older, and pursued different careers, we have remained friends and no one or nothing can possibly destroy this bond that we have. She is my personal ,if not , family physician, who was with me when I delivered my first baby...(because Boyet was working in the desert and could not be present). She took care of my Nanay's pain management during the long 18 month ordeal before her demise. She is always "on call" whenever I am in need of medical help. But more than just being helpful, she and I understand each other, and probably no one, or nothing can change this understanding and respect that we have for each other. Thank you Aimee for always being my best friend and best ninang.
>>>
I cannot end this blog without talking about Lilet... We were never really close friends in college. She belonged to a different 'barkada'. Only 'knew' her through our common friend, now our common frenemy. Our frenemy left for the US, 9 years ago, .. told us that she was going to pursue her 'american dream'. Lilet and I supported her. While she was gone for months, she left a 'vacuum', an emptiness, that probably Lilet and I felt at that time. I remembered calling Lilet and had our hair done together. We never did this before. This sort of 'girl bonding', salon activity was only done with our common friend. That was in the year 2000. My mother died, and our 'friend' was in the States starting a new life, or so we thought. Lilet came to my mother's wake, burial and 9th day prayer. I can never forget how she took the place of my ex-bff. My other friends wondered who Lilet was and why she was suddenly present during the saddest moment of my life. I can never thank you enough, my dear Lilet, for giving me the support that I needed during the loneliest time of my life. I will always be forever grateful for your kindness. You are one of the few women friends that I will forever keep in my heart.
>>>
I have many other women friends, even gay friends and guy friends. One day, I will write about you too. Just have to make a painting that would best represent you. But for now... there will only be two women.
July 7, 2009 / dawn
When I made these paintings, there were 3 women paintings, 3 women friends, namely, betsisanders, lilet & "she". I will not mention her name here. Anyway, her identity is known by my closest friends. So where then is the third painting? I destroyed it and with it, went all the memories of 'her'.
Destroying the painting and throwing it in the garbage was the easy part of letting go, of leaving the past, or of erasing 'her' in my life.
It took me years to fully recover from the hurt, the pain, the sadness and the anger. Many sleepless nights and gallons of tears poured out from my heavy eyelids; 'chest pains' & 'heart aches' caused me so much anguish, and monstrous thoughts occupied my mind. That's how it feels when a best friend has turned into a frenemy, when one's friendship was taken for granted, when lies and deception took the place of trust, when one's kindness was not appreciated, when one's love was ignored, when truthfulness became inexistent, when one was just a 'useful' person to be with, when one was simply needed, when gratitude was never given, and when one was not loved back.
I chose to run away, turned my back, looked the other way. Like the two ducks, who flapped their wings to let off the steam, and then went in separate ways, as if no argument or fight ever happened. But when one does this, other friends are caught in the middle. So as not to burden those other friends, I too have run away from them. I found other people in my life more worthy of my love and attention. I surrounded myself with friendships that are not heavy, that do not drag me down, if only to save myself from her 'sinking ship'.
Maybe one day, someday, our paths will cross again. In the meantime, I have forgiven her and myself, and have let God handle the situation. Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me. Detachment is the solution when two people have found themselves in relationships that are damaging to both persons. Married couples divorce or separate from each other... and friends can do that to, if only to pursue happiness and live a quiet, peaceful, and blissful life.
'It takes two to tango', two to fight and two to make things right. A third person can act as an intermediary, but somehow, people choose to take the side of the person who cries loudest. They choose to remain in the middle and not act as a mediator. ... but what really saddens me is that I know in my heart that they have taken her side, and ignored my truth. It's sad , very sad....:(
There are many other wonderful individuals out there and one just has to make new relationships in life, in order to have fun and be happy. Sometimes, it is seen as a blessing that one has learned the truth about the other early on in their relationship. It is better to have found out early on that she was not worth my time, my love and my friendship.
For now, there will only be two women ......
>>>
As I finish this blog about 'two women', I realize that there are other women friends I have that can be represented by the other woman in those paintings. What better time to write about these other women friends than now?
Maria, the youngest of my siblings. We used to go shopping all day at Rustan's, Ali Mall and Shoe Mart during the 90's. We would come home with 15 or more bags, would have difficulty carrying our 'loot' to our bedrooms. Maria now lives in Sacramento, but we are in constant communication with each other through email, skype or even thru texts. Maria is 'soft spoken', kind, refined, courteous, non-violent, and very pleasant. Maybe that's why we get along. I am totally her opposite. I need not write how different I am from Maria, but we get along perfectly well. Maria is the beautiful version of my self... hair always neatly done, never without makeup, fashionably dressed, always in high heels and very prim and proper. (In my younger years, I used to wear 4 1/2 inch heels, never left the house without makeup and was always dressed in tailored suits or designer jeans. But as I aged, I have dressed down, have become simpler.) I probably can never thank Maria enough for all the goodies, gifts and medicines that she and her hubby , Doc chito, have given and shared with me, Boyet and Alvin through the years. Always remember that I appreciate your generosity and will forever be grateful... and that you will always be blessed because you have shared what you have and by doing so, you will be rewarded more.
Aimee, my best friend and ninang of Alvin. We have been friends for 34 years. She has always been a constant companion during 'lakwatsa' days in high school. She used to be a "phone pal", where we spent hours talking on the phone, listening to music on the phone, and just wasting the time away on the phone. As we got older, and pursued different careers, we have remained friends and no one or nothing can possibly destroy this bond that we have. She is my personal ,if not , family physician, who was with me when I delivered my first baby...(because Boyet was working in the desert and could not be present). She took care of my Nanay's pain management during the long 18 month ordeal before her demise. She is always "on call" whenever I am in need of medical help. But more than just being helpful, she and I understand each other, and probably no one, or nothing can change this understanding and respect that we have for each other. Thank you Aimee for always being my best friend and best ninang.
>>>
I cannot end this blog without talking about Lilet... We were never really close friends in college. She belonged to a different 'barkada'. Only 'knew' her through our common friend, now our common frenemy. Our frenemy left for the US, 9 years ago, .. told us that she was going to pursue her 'american dream'. Lilet and I supported her. While she was gone for months, she left a 'vacuum', an emptiness, that probably Lilet and I felt at that time. I remembered calling Lilet and had our hair done together. We never did this before. This sort of 'girl bonding', salon activity was only done with our common friend. That was in the year 2000. My mother died, and our 'friend' was in the States starting a new life, or so we thought. Lilet came to my mother's wake, burial and 9th day prayer. I can never forget how she took the place of my ex-bff. My other friends wondered who Lilet was and why she was suddenly present during the saddest moment of my life. I can never thank you enough, my dear Lilet, for giving me the support that I needed during the loneliest time of my life. I will always be forever grateful for your kindness. You are one of the few women friends that I will forever keep in my heart.
>>>
I have many other women friends, even gay friends and guy friends. One day, I will write about you too. Just have to make a painting that would best represent you. But for now... there will only be two women.
July 7, 2009 / dawn
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