My Sunflower Lady, October 2014

Title:  My Sunflower Lady

Size:  8 x 11 inches

Medium:  Watercolor on Paper

Artist:  betsisanders 2014

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"I am afraid of death.  Is there any way to look upon the world so as not to be seen by the king of death?" ..."Look upon the world as empty."  the Buddha replied.  "This is the way to overcome death.  Cease thinking of yourself as an entity that really exists.  If you look on the world in this way, you will never be seen by the king of death>" (Sutta Nipata)

"Your life is nearly over.  No one is immune from old age and death. Remembering death and keeping it in your mind, practice performing good deeds that lead to happiness for others.  One who performs good deeds and is thoughtful will become harmonious in body, speech and mind.  He will find that death is not to be feared but indeed brings happiness."(Anguttara Nikaya)

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Two quotes from my pocket Buddha Reader.  

Nothing else follows. 

The Sunflower Lady, another watercolor painting by betsisanders

Title:  The Sunflower Lady 2014

Size:  8x11 inches

Medium: Watercolor on paper

Artist: betsisanders 2014

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The mother of a classmate passed last night. After my attorney friend broke the news, I didn’t react much. I couldn’t think or speak for a while.  I prayed  a few Hail Mary’s and Glory Be’s.  The attorney forewarned me and told me not to cry.  And that’s what I did.

As I was reading, I came across this quotation.  I tried to find out the author of this quote but my Google search was futile. In the meantime,  may I just borrow your words.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

These sixteen words are enough.  No more words needed to fully express how I feel about death and how love helped me cope with loss.

Koi, a watercolor painting by betsisanders

Title:  Koi

Size:  12 x 18 inches

Medium: Watercolor on Paper

Artist: betsisanders 2014

Another sleepless night.

Iyanla wrote:  “Unfortunately, the standards of modern lifestyles have taught us that to be alone, to be quiet, is bad, frightening, and most of all, not normal. You must be willing to translate being “by yourself” to being “with yourself.” When you are with yourself you receive the blessing of enlightenment. Being with yourself is a time of sacred aloneness.”  

It is during the wee hours of dawn that I am completely alone with my thoughts.  I actually look forward to these quiet mornings when I can fully be in solitude, where I pray the 20 mysteries of the rosary, or sit and stare at my computer, try to find some inspiration and  type away my thoughts and feelings, which most often leads to crying.  After which… I find myself empty, lighter and stronger.  Ready to face whoever or whatever.  I know I am never really alone.  HE is always guiding me and looking after me. I find my strength in Him who picks us up and carries us through life.  Thank you Lord. 

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The koi fish is able to swim and travel upstream despite heavy currents.  It is known to have very powerful life force. Good fortune, success, prosperity, longevity, courage ambition and perseverance are the characteristics associated with the koi. Koi fishes are favorite subjects of artists.  Most people display their koi fish paintings or sculptures in the middle of their living rooms, entry ways or porches.

I will begin again tomorrow.

I didn't turn my back and failed to walk away yesterday. I lost control. I forgot to count to a hundred, a thousand.  I was angry.  Vile words came out of my mouth. Blurting out invective language like a dragon spewing out fire.  It felt good at first.  I tried to justify my actions by saying that I needed to express my anger verbally to the person who betrayed my trust. A moment of anger destroyed many hours, days, and months of patience. 

We were in court yesterday.  That was the distraction.  My mind was extremely agitated.  Negative emotions surged. My somewhat peaceful existence was disturbed and interrupted.  I was perturbed and anxious. 

I failed to be happy yesterday, so I started again today.  Today is the Feast of St. Therese.  What should I have done today? I should have at least visited her shrine. I did pray my daily 24 Glory Be's novena to The Little Flower but I needed to pray harder.  I wished, hoped and wanted to be inside a bubble with only the few people I love and love me back.

I needed to paint, read, write or just be still for a little while longer. I need to cry. I have to pray.  I should focus on my goals.  Keep in mind my purpose.  Try to get back on track.  Strive to achieve peace and happiness.

I slipped and fell literally and figuratively.  I didn't break any bones when I lost my balance and dropped on our living room's marble floor at the height of the heavy rains and thunderstorm, but I broke my heart which hurt so much more.

I failed yesterday. I prayed today.  Life is too short and too precious. Never postpone happiness.  I will begin again tomorrow. 

betsisanders / October 1, 2014