GOd paved the way…

JULY 8, 2016BETSISANDERSLEAVE A COMMENTEDIT

There are many holes in my heart for my Marie Angelica, Angelita and Ben. … and no one can totally fill those empty spaces in my heart.  But as the years have gone by, the brain has forgotten their death anniversaries or I have been remiss in checking my calendar.  Who else will remember them except me?  I failed to light a candle or pray during their death anniversaries or bring flowers to their resting place.

Forgiveness… yes I always ask for forgiveness. Someone asked me ,,, what is there to forgive? Small things, mga pagkukulang bilang isang anak, mga bouts of anger and raising my voice.  Our maid accused me of always being on beast mode, even claimed that she took care of my Nanay during her last days.  Just because you cooked and served her meals, doesn’t make you her caregiver! My Dad was Nanay’s personal nursing aid and caregiver. I took charge of medical care, giving medicines, injecting insulin, changing catheters,  checking blood sugar / blood pressure,  consulting with her physicians, purchasing her dialysis meds. and yet I feel that what I’ve done wasn’t enough.  I should have probably laid down on Nanay’s bed  with her, like what my sister did. Instead,  I’d tiptoe through the corridor at night bare-feet, put my ear close to her door and listen to her cry alone during the night. Then I’d walk back to my room and cried harder.

I missed Nanay’s death anniversary last June 28. Been in bed healing my sore muscles, a fibro flare up that lasted for 2 weeks followed by a flu episode, an almost critical condition of pneumonia. Diabetics are prone to bacterial infections and I’ve been a diabetic since 1989.  Still .. there is no excuse to forgetting her death anniversary.  I am the only one left to remember her and I forgot.

I posted this on the day of her death anniversary on Instagram. Perfect quote.  All that is left is Nanay’s name. Someday this too will be forgotten.

Going back … what else is there to ask forgiveness for?  Maybe I am not like you who can easily move forward and forget the sad tough times.  But that’s not me.  Despite the fact that I was her personal nurse and Dad was her nursing aid, I know that I was never the perfect daughter.  I failed to hug her and tell her that I love her. But as a mother, I know that Nanay knew that I love her. Just like how I love Alvin unconditionally. I only wished I could have done more,  been more compassionate and hugged her a lot.  But we are not a hugging kissing family.  We just pat each other’s backs and cry with each other.

A dear friend told me that if I see a sunflower, then it will always remind me of Nanay.  I love love love sunflowers. She added that one day I shall be with Angelita, Marie Angelica and Ben in heaven.

Two weeks in bed because of Fibromyalgia flare ups and Flu made me quite emotional, The pain which I courageously bear become so intense that I cry at night or sleep for 3 hours and then again… go through the cycles of Suffering, Sadness, and Sleeplessness, the 3 components of Chronic Pain Syndrome.

Some suggested Meditation, Gratitude Journal… even Yoga.  Read them, Done them and I am still at square one. There is no cure for fibromyalagia. I’ve tried all treatment modalities. Sometimes, they work. More often, they don’t. I have decreased my meds to Lyrica Tramadol and Zanaflex. Stopped Neurontin Amytriptilline and Cymbalta. and bear the pain during the day.

Life is hard. Pray that I live longer with a better quality of life so I am able to take care of Alvin.  A friend told me that she will take care of Alvin.  Thanks so much Tita Angel. It warmed my heart and allayed my fears and anxiety.  But please don’t find him a girlfriend just yet. To me he is still 12 years old. Hahaha

Mothers shouldn’t bury their children. I lost Marie Angelica 30 years ago and I am not prepared to lose Alvin ever.  Sometimes, I wish You’d give me his illness so I can bring it to my grave.  If I go ahead, please take care of Alvin.

I posted a photo in FB about my sleepless nights.  A niece who seldom comments or likes suddenly wrote a comment and suggested meditation to help me sleep. So I sent her a private message saying that my anxiety is caused by Alvin’s recent tachycardia episode. His med’s dosage  was increased and we only had  a week’s supply left. Now that’s a trigger for panic mode.  Guess what, my niece Joanne, found someone who is coming home from America this weekend. I asked my sister to purchase Sotalol for Alvin since this drug is out of stock in St Luke’s at the moment and is not commercially available in Manila. My ever reliable sister and brother in law got the meds and mailed it to the guy that Joanne and Rayan mentioned. He is arriving this weekend to bring home those lifesaving precious medications.

I do not post problems in fb nor ask help.  But somehow God paved the way through Joanne, to facilitate bringing the much needed drugs for Alvin.  Next time,  I will be direct when asking for help.  I know that I have more compassionate friends, family and relatives that will help because they truly care and love me, my son and HubB.

Thank you so much Joanne, Reyan, your officemate, my sister Nono, Docchito, and  Kim our friendly pharmacist in Roseville for all your help. I can’t thank you all enough.  God will take care of you and I will include you in my prayers.

I love love love you all so much. May your life be filled with happiness and peace.

It wasn't so calm after the storm...

Just another weekend,  just another ordinary Sunday … and it’s August 2016. 

Didn’t I just keep the Christmas decors a couple of months ago? And now I am about to set up the Christmas trees again.  I’ve been doing this for more than a couple of decades. I started when I was eighteen.  {Hahaha … If you know how old I am then you know I’m lying about my age here. Oh well, this blog isn’t about my age so it really doesn’t matter if I deduct a couple more decades.}

Less than a month ago, I was in panic mode and of course you all know why, right? {How presumptive of me.} When someone I love is ill, that’s when I can’t be weak.  It’s during those stressful, troubled times that I am strongest, fiercest and in fight-mode. What some of you do not know about was what happened after the 'storm', when there should have been calm. ...

I came from two reunions with balikbayan friends and surely I didn’t look frail, tired, nor did my eye bags show, not with five layers of BB cream, MAC foundation, loose high definition powder and bronzer, plastered heavily on my cheeks, plus three layers of multi-colored  lipsticks, .  How can you tell right?   I have an invisible illness and so does Alvin. 

***

The pain started right about here … 

  Despite my pain cocktail, there was this

 dagger-like pain that was way too unbearable. 

A few days later. I fell down the front porch. I fell down two steps from the top of the porch. As I stepped down, my right knee folded. {This happens when my muscle relaxants are still in my system.} I used my left upper extremity to break the fall.I kept holding on to the handrail while I fell down two steps from the top of the marble steps. Luckily, I didn't break any bones nor slipped any discs. I just stretched my tendons to the max and was diagnosed with subscapularis tendinitis. Pain level with my current medications was 9.5!

Now add my other ailments (cervical spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, trigger fingers, rotator cuff syndrome, osteoartritis, bursitis, then top it with fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome ... I'd say, I'm still alright... alive... soooo alive!

 

Thought I'd post pictures of how it is to live with 

Chronic Pain and Diabetes for almost 30 years.

***

***

My pain was so unbearable.

I was taking too much NSAIDs and hurting my tummy.

Vomiting all day. Unable to drink or eat for hours.

Pitying myself. Exhausted and too weak to get out of bed.

Crying incessantly. Praying and praying in between sobs.

Hoping to get some sleep. Or for it to end.

Sigh ....

***

I finally had steroid shots on both my shoulders last Wednesday.
........

I scheduled more PT sessions for the coming weeks because the

shots weren't enough. Wish me luck!

***

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

Quoted from a favorite book "Extremely Loud Incredibly Close"

Probably the third time I've read this book

and watched its movie version twice.

Two days ago, I wrote this quotation on a photo 

of a Buddha which I took in Macau.

I was feeling under the weather and when doing

 nothing I post pictures in Instagram.

***

This morning, I looked at my calendar and

saw that it was the end of the month.

Oh dear,  I missed the 16th death anniversary

of my Nanay which was two days ago.

The day I posted the Buddha's photo

with the quotation.

So it's definitely true that once we die, we are gone

forever, never to be remembered again, even by

those who love us dearly.  Probably the mind forgets,

It shields us from constant pain and more grief.

Our loved ones who have gone ahead would have

wanted us to move on, live on and just remember 

the fond memories, and not the day they left

us, which filled us with sorrow, left us empty and

crying all the time.  Always praying and asking

our dead moms or dads to forgive us for all our 

shortcomings and pagkukulang.

For an extremely long time, like almost

 more than a decade, I questioned, fought,

suffered from sleepless nights, asking my

 dead mother for forgiveness.

How will I get her message of forgiveness?

She's gone. She's dead.

One night, while crying my heart out,

I had this epiphany, a divine manifestation

of our Lord, telling me that Nanay has forgiven me.

How?  

Then somehow, I realized that I can never

remain angry at my child for a long time.

Being a mother had taught me that.

My child is far more important than I am.

I'd do everything for him.

Forgive him even without his asking.

I knew my Nanay had forgiven me too.

I'm sure she knows deep in her heart how much

I loved and respected her.

Now that she's gone a long time,

 I have forgotten specific dates

or fail to visit her grave,  I still pray and

remember her everyday, every night and 

every time I pray the rosary before I sleep.

There are just some days when things happen that

overwhelm me, scare me, and I end up overthinking,

losing sleep. Days when flare ups happen and

 I am in bed for days.  Or like these past two weeks that

I have been confined to my bedroom healing my

sore spastic muscles, bearing the pain from gastritis

and GERD, losing much needed sleep from over thinking.

.. and this time, healing myself from this Flu episode.

Being sick is not an excuse to forget Nanay's death

anniversary.  A friend wrote in IG, " Aww, she'll understand."

Yes dear, I know.  I've known for years.

Since I became a mother, I have known that Moms

will never remain angry at her child,

 will always understand and forgive.

May your weekend be fun.

Spent with your loved ones.

No need to say I love you. They know!

***

I may have been quite vocal in FB... but that's just

a small part of me.... What those FB friends do not know

is I am troubled, afraid, and constantly praying for

my son Alvin. He had another tachycardia episode

the other day.  The dosage of his medicines have been

increased.  He still doesn't want to undergo ablation.

Dr Joey says to maximize medical management.

Dr Lingling Uy says ablation is last resort.

Dr Clara said to consider RFA (radio frequency 

ablation) soon.

***

Thanks for reading. Pls continue to pray for my son.

... and for me to live longer so I can take care of him.

If I don't... please take care of Alvin for me.

***

Talk to you guys again soon.

Let's continue to pray for each other.

Love love love.