" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

Quoted from a favorite book "Extremely Loud Incredibly Close"

Probably the third time I've read this book

and watched its movie version twice.

Two days ago, I wrote this quotation on a photo 

of a Buddha which I took in Macau.

I was feeling under the weather and when doing

 nothing I post pictures in Instagram.

***

This morning, I looked at my calendar and

saw that it was the end of the month.

Oh dear,  I missed the 16th death anniversary

of my Nanay which was two days ago.

The day I posted the Buddha's photo

with the quotation.

So it's definitely true that once we die, we are gone

forever, never to be remembered again, even by

those who love us dearly.  Probably the mind forgets,

It shields us from constant pain and more grief.

Our loved ones who have gone ahead would have

wanted us to move on, live on and just remember 

the fond memories, and not the day they left

us, which filled us with sorrow, left us empty and

crying all the time.  Always praying and asking

our dead moms or dads to forgive us for all our 

shortcomings and pagkukulang.

For an extremely long time, like almost

 more than a decade, I questioned, fought,

suffered from sleepless nights, asking my

 dead mother for forgiveness.

How will I get her message of forgiveness?

She's gone. She's dead.

One night, while crying my heart out,

I had this epiphany, a divine manifestation

of our Lord, telling me that Nanay has forgiven me.

How?  

Then somehow, I realized that I can never

remain angry at my child for a long time.

Being a mother had taught me that.

My child is far more important than I am.

I'd do everything for him.

Forgive him even without his asking.

I knew my Nanay had forgiven me too.

I'm sure she knows deep in her heart how much

I loved and respected her.

Now that she's gone a long time,

 I have forgotten specific dates

or fail to visit her grave,  I still pray and

remember her everyday, every night and 

every time I pray the rosary before I sleep.

There are just some days when things happen that

overwhelm me, scare me, and I end up overthinking,

losing sleep. Days when flare ups happen and

 I am in bed for days.  Or like these past two weeks that

I have been confined to my bedroom healing my

sore spastic muscles, bearing the pain from gastritis

and GERD, losing much needed sleep from over thinking.

.. and this time, healing myself from this Flu episode.

Being sick is not an excuse to forget Nanay's death

anniversary.  A friend wrote in IG, " Aww, she'll understand."

Yes dear, I know.  I've known for years.

Since I became a mother, I have known that Moms

will never remain angry at her child,

 will always understand and forgive.

May your weekend be fun.

Spent with your loved ones.

No need to say I love you. They know!

***

I may have been quite vocal in FB... but that's just

a small part of me.... What those FB friends do not know

is I am troubled, afraid, and constantly praying for

my son Alvin. He had another tachycardia episode

the other day.  The dosage of his medicines have been

increased.  He still doesn't want to undergo ablation.

Dr Joey says to maximize medical management.

Dr Lingling Uy says ablation is last resort.

Dr Clara said to consider RFA (radio frequency 

ablation) soon.

***

Thanks for reading. Pls continue to pray for my son.

... and for me to live longer so I can take care of him.

If I don't... please take care of Alvin for me.

***

Talk to you guys again soon.

Let's continue to pray for each other.

Love love love.