Why we lose people along life's journey ...

A few of my friends have lost their spouses through natural and unnatural causes ... "Sumakabilang buhay or sumakabilang bahay!" This Filipino phrase always makes me smile. It sort of 'trivializes' the loss of a spouse and adds comic relief to a seemingly unfortunate, unhappy ending to a marriage. Other women friends have filed for legal separation or annulment of their marriage. A few others just brought their husbands to nursing homes, in the pursuit of freedom and happiness. Another friend signed a waiver, a 'quit claim' document or 'legal separation of properties', upon the request of the spouse, so their properties will not be attached to lawsuits incurred by the other.

People fight. You fight with a best friend, a classmate, a professor, even a sibling. It was so much easier then. You can't continue to fight since you will be seeing them in school again the next day, week or month. You are forced to interact with them.  With siblings, your parents will scold or punish you both for fighting. So, you try to work things out and make it work again. As I got so much older, I am not forced to see these frenemies again. Days turn into weeks, then months and years. There seem to be no point in ever calling or talking to these people whom I have had a 'falling out of sorts' with. It was more of a falling out of love. Why would I send them christmas cards or birthday cards, when I have not seen or talked to them for ages? They never remember to call, text or greet me on special occasions. Therefore, i shall forget those who forgot me. I am quite sure they feel the same way. So, I'll make it easier for them. I shall walk away, turn my back, shut my door, bolt it and keep it that way.

People grow, learn, and adapt.  During one's earlier years, you mingle and socialize with everyone you meet in school, at work or even in church.  As time passes, you eventually find yourself in a smaller group of people whom you surround yourself with. You decide to let go of those who do not share common goals, profession or interests. You just outgrow each other. 

People migrate to another city, province or country. Despite technology, Facebook, FaceTime, Skype, Vonage ... they never write, email, call or text. 

The most common cause of friendship loss is when one is totally immersed, consumed, possessed by a love affair. As if there are not enough hours in a day or weeks in every month. These lovebirds are inseparable and tend to neglect the other people in their lives. Those patient friends who were with them before their 'hot' relationship. Old friends are forgotten, neglected. They were just simply having the best time of their lives. Just wait until this nth relationship is over and your so- called friend will soon be knocking at your doorstep.

Finally, they weren't really bff material to start with. Not worth keeping. Not worth your precious time and emotions. Aren't you just glad they have left ? You've lost probably one to make room for far better friends to fill up the holes in your heart! Great! So, I'll see you when I see you 'friend" ...

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These flowers were given by the Hubby on my birthday, which is 6 days before V Day. He brings me  flowers on my birthday but never on V day. Much like those December birthday celebrants. They receive gifts on their birthday and seldom get a Christmas gift. {but Hubby brings orchids from Singapore whenever he reports to their head office. } 
O well.... still feels good to be remembered anytime. It's really  the thought that counts !  

LOL ... lots of Love ....  betsisanders 2013

The Cook

Title: The Cook (based on Darrin Hoover's Chef's Special painting)
Size: 5 x 7 inches
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Artist: betsisanders 2010

Atisha, a great bodhisattva in India, helped to spread Buddhism to Tibet in the 11th century. When he went to Tibet, he took his Indian cook with him. This cook was very disagreeable, speaking harshly and being rude and obnoxious to people. He even regularly insulted Atisha. The Tibetans asked, "Why did you bring this person with you? We can cook for you. You don't need him!" But Atisha said, "I do need him. I need him to practice patience."

So when someone criticizes me I think, "He is an incarnation of Atisha's cook."

When people with whom we don't get along point out our faults to us, we have to look at them. We can't run away anymore. When we're outrageously angry, burning with jealousy or attachment is eating away at us, we can't deny that we have these negative emotions. Of course, we try to say that it's the other person's fault, that we have these horrible emotions only because they made us have them.

But after we've listened to the Buddha's teachings, this rationale doesn't work any more. We know in our hearts that our happiness and suffering come from our own mind. Then, even though we try to blame our difficulties on other people, we know we can't. We are forced to look at them ourselves. And when we do, we also see that they are incredible opportunities to grow and learn.

This is taken from "Buddhism In Modern Society"
by: Venerable Thubten Chodron

>>>>>>>>

There are so many 'cooks' in my life. They are those ungrateful, unappreciative, user- friendly frenemies that have created holes in my heart. This Buddhist teaching tells me to learn from these individuals. Patience is what they 'll teach me. Instead of getting angry, irritated or lose sleep thinking about them, I shall ignore, walk away like the 'duck', and be with people who are appreciative, thoughtful and loving,

Growing up in a Catholic school, we were taught to "love our enemies". I could never understand, grasp or accept this teaching because it was very difficult to do. It was like a command, an order, that was very hard to follow.

But with the way it is explained by the Buddhist teachers, it seemed easier to apply in my life. They give a more positive approach and that is to be tolerant of others, understand and learn from these 'cooks' and thereby learn patience.

We were also told that when one thinks of doing bad things to other people, one already commits a sin. The mere thought was considered sinful. In Buddhist teachings, these are just monstrous thoughts. These monstrous thoughts are just regarded as thinking. These thoughts, whether monstrous or benevolent are just thoughts. They are neither virtuous nor sinful, just thoughts. No thought deserves a gold medal or a reprimand. One can think of assassinating an enemy or baking a cake. these are just thoughts.

As I always find myself thinking all the time, I get tired and emotional. So, to silence my mind, I paint, read, write, cook, or bake, go on the treadmill, watch a movie or listen to dance music, or I simply sit in silence or better still, I pray.

Love, love lots and truly love. / betsisanders 2010