It wasn't so calm after the storm...

Just another weekend,  just another ordinary Sunday … and it’s August 2016. 

Didn’t I just keep the Christmas decors a couple of months ago? And now I am about to set up the Christmas trees again.  I’ve been doing this for more than a couple of decades. I started when I was eighteen.  {Hahaha … If you know how old I am then you know I’m lying about my age here. Oh well, this blog isn’t about my age so it really doesn’t matter if I deduct a couple more decades.}

Less than a month ago, I was in panic mode and of course you all know why, right? {How presumptive of me.} When someone I love is ill, that’s when I can’t be weak.  It’s during those stressful, troubled times that I am strongest, fiercest and in fight-mode. What some of you do not know about was what happened after the 'storm', when there should have been calm. ...

I came from two reunions with balikbayan friends and surely I didn’t look frail, tired, nor did my eye bags show, not with five layers of BB cream, MAC foundation, loose high definition powder and bronzer, plastered heavily on my cheeks, plus three layers of multi-colored  lipsticks, .  How can you tell right?   I have an invisible illness and so does Alvin. 

***

The pain started right about here … 

  Despite my pain cocktail, there was this

 dagger-like pain that was way too unbearable. 

A few days later. I fell down the front porch. I fell down two steps from the top of the porch. As I stepped down, my right knee folded. {This happens when my muscle relaxants are still in my system.} I used my left upper extremity to break the fall.I kept holding on to the handrail while I fell down two steps from the top of the marble steps. Luckily, I didn't break any bones nor slipped any discs. I just stretched my tendons to the max and was diagnosed with subscapularis tendinitis. Pain level with my current medications was 9.5!

Now add my other ailments (cervical spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, trigger fingers, rotator cuff syndrome, osteoartritis, bursitis, then top it with fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome ... I'd say, I'm still alright... alive... soooo alive!

 

Thought I'd post pictures of how it is to live with 

Chronic Pain and Diabetes for almost 30 years.

***

***

My pain was so unbearable.

I was taking too much NSAIDs and hurting my tummy.

Vomiting all day. Unable to drink or eat for hours.

Pitying myself. Exhausted and too weak to get out of bed.

Crying incessantly. Praying and praying in between sobs.

Hoping to get some sleep. Or for it to end.

Sigh ....

***

I finally had steroid shots on both my shoulders last Wednesday.
........

I scheduled more PT sessions for the coming weeks because the

shots weren't enough. Wish me luck!

***

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

Quoted from a favorite book "Extremely Loud Incredibly Close"

Probably the third time I've read this book

and watched its movie version twice.

Two days ago, I wrote this quotation on a photo 

of a Buddha which I took in Macau.

I was feeling under the weather and when doing

 nothing I post pictures in Instagram.

***

This morning, I looked at my calendar and

saw that it was the end of the month.

Oh dear,  I missed the 16th death anniversary

of my Nanay which was two days ago.

The day I posted the Buddha's photo

with the quotation.

So it's definitely true that once we die, we are gone

forever, never to be remembered again, even by

those who love us dearly.  Probably the mind forgets,

It shields us from constant pain and more grief.

Our loved ones who have gone ahead would have

wanted us to move on, live on and just remember 

the fond memories, and not the day they left

us, which filled us with sorrow, left us empty and

crying all the time.  Always praying and asking

our dead moms or dads to forgive us for all our 

shortcomings and pagkukulang.

For an extremely long time, like almost

 more than a decade, I questioned, fought,

suffered from sleepless nights, asking my

 dead mother for forgiveness.

How will I get her message of forgiveness?

She's gone. She's dead.

One night, while crying my heart out,

I had this epiphany, a divine manifestation

of our Lord, telling me that Nanay has forgiven me.

How?  

Then somehow, I realized that I can never

remain angry at my child for a long time.

Being a mother had taught me that.

My child is far more important than I am.

I'd do everything for him.

Forgive him even without his asking.

I knew my Nanay had forgiven me too.

I'm sure she knows deep in her heart how much

I loved and respected her.

Now that she's gone a long time,

 I have forgotten specific dates

or fail to visit her grave,  I still pray and

remember her everyday, every night and 

every time I pray the rosary before I sleep.

There are just some days when things happen that

overwhelm me, scare me, and I end up overthinking,

losing sleep. Days when flare ups happen and

 I am in bed for days.  Or like these past two weeks that

I have been confined to my bedroom healing my

sore spastic muscles, bearing the pain from gastritis

and GERD, losing much needed sleep from over thinking.

.. and this time, healing myself from this Flu episode.

Being sick is not an excuse to forget Nanay's death

anniversary.  A friend wrote in IG, " Aww, she'll understand."

Yes dear, I know.  I've known for years.

Since I became a mother, I have known that Moms

will never remain angry at her child,

 will always understand and forgive.

May your weekend be fun.

Spent with your loved ones.

No need to say I love you. They know!

***

I may have been quite vocal in FB... but that's just

a small part of me.... What those FB friends do not know

is I am troubled, afraid, and constantly praying for

my son Alvin. He had another tachycardia episode

the other day.  The dosage of his medicines have been

increased.  He still doesn't want to undergo ablation.

Dr Joey says to maximize medical management.

Dr Lingling Uy says ablation is last resort.

Dr Clara said to consider RFA (radio frequency 

ablation) soon.

***

Thanks for reading. Pls continue to pray for my son.

... and for me to live longer so I can take care of him.

If I don't... please take care of Alvin for me.

***

Talk to you guys again soon.

Let's continue to pray for each other.

Love love love.

Naked Truth, an acrylic painting by betsisanders 2016

Title:  Naked Truth 2016

Size:  8x11 inches

Medium:  Acrylic on Canvas Board

Artist: betsisanders 2016

There is this great confusion, a pandemonium

 of thoughts and ideas in my mind.

There is this great need in me to silence

the noise of these reflections, 

aspirations, meditations, dreams or even fears.

Sometimes when I think, I tend to overthink.

So I have this urge to get away from all these

ruckus or commotion or uproar.

You know what I do ... I read. I paint.

I write then, I pray..

Most painters need to have inspiration

in order to create.  Not me.

All I need to do is to be still, be quiet.

Then, I start working.

Every time I finish an art work,

I am thankful for this opportunity

to express thoughts, feelings, dreams,

fears, sadness, happiness, anger ...

and all those emotions.

All of them push me to create art.

Then I attribute it all to Him,

Who guides me, Who helps me,

Who lifts me up, and

Who loves me the most. 

My dear sweet Lord.

***

My sweet Lord,Hm, my Lord,Hm, my Lord

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord
My sweet Lord, Hm, my Lord,Hm, my Lord
I really want to know you
Really want to go with you
Really want to show you Lord
That it won't take long, my Lord (hallelujah)
My sweet Lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my Lord (hallelujah)
My sweet Lord (hallelujah)
I really want to see you
Really want to see you
Really want to see you, Lord
Really want to see you, Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord (hallelujah)
My sweet Lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my Lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my Lord (hallelujah)
I really want to know you (hallelujah)
Really want to go with you (hallelujah)
Really want to show you Lord (aaah)
That it won't take long, my Lord (hallelujah)
Hmm (hallelujah)
My sweet Lord (hallelujah)
My, my, Lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my Lord (hare krishna)
My, my, my Lord (hare krishna)
Oh hm, my sweet Lord (krishna, krishna)
Oh-uuh-uh (hare hare)
Now, I really want to see you (hare rama)
Really want to be with you (hare rama)
Really want to see you Lord (aaah)
But it takes so long, my Lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my Lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my Lord (hare krishna)
My sweet Lord (hare krishna)
My sweet Lord (krishna krishna)
My Lord (hare hare)
Hm, hm (Gurur Brahma)
Hm, hm (Gurur Vishnu)
Hm, hm (Gurur Devo)
Hm, hm (Maheshwara)
My sweet Lord (Gurur Sakshaat)
My sweet Lord (Parabrahma)
My, my, my Lord (Tasmayi Shree)
My, my, my, my Lord (Guruve Namah)
My sweet Lord (Hare Rama)
(hare krishna)
My sweet Lord (hare krishna)
My sweet Lord (krishna krishna)
My Lord (hare hare)

 ***

I'm sure you know how to sing this song.

I have been listening to this song almost every

morning of every day since my last blog.

... and then I cry.

Wishing you all lots of love and

happiness always ...  betsisanders

Good night !!!

***

The painting below was done last year.

Naked Truth 2015

Shades of Gray

Shades of Gray is a collection of my paintings for 2016. There are 12 paintings in this collection but two paintings are displayed in the homes of two dear classmates.

Quote: “A lie doesn’t become truth, wrong doesn’t become right and evil doesn’t become good, just because it’s accepted by a majority.”

I actually completely totally believe in the quotation above.

It’s true that black doesn’t become white nor the other way around. In life, it isn’t just black or white, but there are many shades of gray, which makes our life interesting, mysterious, quite challenging. It is in the grays that we find more questions than answers, hope that the following day will become so much better than today, and if it doesn’t, then we wait for a new day, another week perhaps, until we find what will make us happy, happier.  We will get there somehow.

As I was listening to the radio on our way home, the song “Alone again, naturally” was playing.  I know the words by heart. I tried to hum even sing along. But as the song neared the end, I stopped, pretended not to listen, looked the other way, controlled the sobbing, until tears rolled down my cheeks.  Didn’t I just say I don’t cry as much. I wish that was true.  I just try to forget the many things that run through my mind. I avoid issues.  I keep myself busy so as not to dwell on my troubles, too many to share. I just pray more.

Lyrics of the song Alone Again Naturally…..

In a little while from now
If I’m not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to
Make it clear to whoever
Wants to know what it’s like When you’re shattered

Left standing in the lurch at a church
Were people saying, My God, that’s tough
She stood him up
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn’t do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about, God in His mercy

Oh, if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that
There are more hearts broken in the world
That can’t be mended

Left unattended
What do we do
What do we do
Alone again, naturally
Looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn’t understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start
With a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

It’s really a sad sad song. It’s in the grays, the many shades of gray that we find hope, meaning and love, love love. Talk to you soon ….

Sunflowers, an acrylic painting by betsisanders 2016

Title:  Sunflowers 2016

Size:  8x11 inches

Medium: Acrylic

Artist:  betsisanders

It's that time of year when sunflowers bloom,

when these beautiful blossoms queue up at

University Avenue, in time for the Iskos & Iskas

graduation at UP Diliman.

After the cherry blossoms. it's betsisanders'

Sunflowers.  That's my life... there's always a time,

a season for everything.

Cherish, enjoy and be grateful for these

seasons of life.

Soon I'll be painting autumn leaves.

Soon it'll be Christmas.

These are the joyous seasons of my life.

I don't want to talk about death.

I haven't for quite a while.

I'm in  fight mode.

Despite my physical handicap, 

(that some of you know and have seen)

... I'm walking without a cane now.

... slowly, extremely slow!

Atty Susie said, "Betot, you are sooo slow!"

I wasn't offended at all... I just laughed.

You'd say, "Oh... Betsi has changed."

How right you are. I refuse to be defeated.

I don't cry as much.

I have to be strong... 

for those two who love me most.

I pray more too.

Wishing you all a happy and sunny day.

Let these sunflowers brighten your life.

I love you all !!!

... betsisanders 2016

My "cheery" Cherry Blossoms, an acrylic painting by betsisanders 2016

Title:  My "cheery" Cherry Blossoms

Size:  8x11 inches

Medium:  Acrylic on Canvas

Artist:  betsisanders 2016

A very simple painting specially made for another

dear classmate, Thelma.  

Cherry blossoms bloom during this time of the year,

 late March til early April.  I was in Roseville visiting 

my sister and thought of painting these beautiful blooms.

********

•  “One day the Buddha silently held up a flower.
• This was the famous “Flower Sermon.” 
• In the story, Śākyamuni gives a wordless sermon to his disciples (sangha)
•  by holding up a white flower. No one in the audience understood
•  the Flower Sermon except Mahākāśyapa, who smiled. 
• The Flower Sermon signifies the direct transmission
•  of wisdom without words.        
• “Pick up flower … subtle smile.” 
• 
  
• 💛 💛 💛 🌸🌸🌸🌼🌼🌼

My Naked Ballerina, an acrylic painting by betsisanders 2016

Title:  My Naked Ballerina

Size:  8x11 inches

Medium:  Acrylic on Canvas

Artist:  betsisanders 2016

This painting was specially made for a dear classmate,

Berna.  I was in Roseville for a short vacation and did this

 painting in the wee hours of the morning, those times when

I am unable to fall asleep. Since I have aged much, 

it took me longer to adjust to the time difference.

But I welcome these sleepless nights because I am

able to contemplate, pray, read, create and paint.

Displayed in Berna's sitting room.

Thanks Berna for giving my painting a home,