autumn by betsisanders 09

Title: Autumn
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 12 x 18 inches
Artist: betsisanders 09
Date: June 28, 2009

Today is the 9th death anniversary of my Nanay. She died from septicemia, due to gangrenous legs. She was bedridden for one and half years, suffered and endured all the systemic diseases and complications of diabetes mellitus.

Eighteen days before she died, we had a 'party'. Every Sunday, I would invite people to come over for Sunday lunch or dinner, just so, Nanay could see her sisters, nieces and nephews. But this particular Sunday, I invited my aunt's nephew, an internist. I asked him if he could convince my mother to undergo amputation of both hr legs. Nanay asked, "Up to where will you cut my legs?". I touched the portion above her knees. She didn't say a word and just moved her head from side to side. She meant NO.

Almost nightly, during the long 18 months of Nanay's ordeal, I would walk slowly, silently, without any slippers on and go quietly towards her bedroom door, put my ears on the door and listen to her cry. Then I'd go back to my room and sob the night away. I never showed my Nanay the tears, never told her how sick she was, because I didn't want to take away the only thing that could keep her going, and that was hope. Hope would make her fight, try to live and go on living. Many nights, she begged me to end it for her. ... To give her more dosage of nubain so she could sleep forever. ........ That night, I didn't hear her cry. It was quiet.

The next morning, Dad said that Nanay was awake but quiet, which was very unusual. I approached my mother and asked her to lift her arm. She couldn't move it and she whispered, "I'm weak". I knew right away that she must have had a stroke during the night.

That was the last time I heard her voice, the last time she looked at me, the last time she was awake, aware, 'alive'. She went into a coma. For the next 18 days, Dad continued to give her peritoneal dialysis, bathed her, kept her company. My best friend, Aimee, placed IV (intraenous) solutions, but, her veins would just swell, a sign that her circulatory system has failed.

On the morning of June 28, I noticed that Nanay's breathing was different. My friend, Olive, said that if Nanay's breathing would become heavy, deep and slow... it will only be a matter of hours and Nanay will expire. That whole morning, I was in her bedroom, silently praying the rosary, over and over. I whispered in her ear that I loved her, but didn't tell my Dad what I knew. It was noontime, Dad just finished his lunch, and I told him I was going to have some lunch too. I left Dad in their room, while he sat on his rocking chair and watched a noontime show. Somehow, Dad dozed off and when I returned to check on Nanay, she was gone. Nanay died alone. She must have spared us the trauma of watching her take her last breath. I called my Dad, woke him up and told her that Nanay had passed.. I don't remember what Dad and I said to each other. All I know and remember was that Dad and I did not cry.

I made all the necessary phone calls. Made the arrangements for her wake and cremation. Nanay requested to be cremated right away and not hold a vigil or wake for her. But Loyola Memorial could not schedule her cremation until Saturday, so we held the wake in our home, inside the green room, same room where I held my daughter's wake.

My youngest sister, Maria, was flying in from Chicago, on board an airplane when Nanay died. She arrived a day after Nanay's death, and was only informed about it when she was already in the car, on her way home from the airport. My other sister, Vicky, couldn't come home.

That was nine years ago.

>>>

The painting of autumn leaves is based on a photograph, by my friend, Ned. The photo was taken in one of his trips to the United States. He said that I had given him a painting of autumn leaves a long time ago too. Ned is a classmate in Dentistry and we often talk on the phone and discuss orthodontics or just laugh about anything,

The day my Nanay died, Ned called me in the afternoon. But I didn't tell him that Nanay passed just a few hours ago. Ned wasn't able to go to Nanay's wake. He asked me why I didn't tell him. I don't know. ... Maybe I didn't want anybody to know. But somehow, those closest to my Dad and I, were all present during the first night of the wake. More people came the foll0wing day, it was like having a party daily. Many many visitors. I had mixed feelings... most of the people who went on the last night of the wake never visited Nanay when she was sick. They even stayed the whole night, "naglamay". A lot of them were my Dad's relatives, who never visited my Nanay during the 18 months that she was bedridden and ill.

Should I be thankful that they remembered Nanay , in death? Should I be grateful for the "abuloy" that they gave? Should I be glad that they all came?

That was nine years ago.

>>>

Two famous celebrities died yesterday and the whole world mourns for them, sheds tears for them. All sorts of tributes are being given to them, now that they are dead, unable to hear the kind words, the praises. Why didn't they do all these when the guy was alive or when the woman was suffering from cancer? What purpose does it have now?.... now that they are dead!

I see people crying in the news, fans weeping, even go down on their knees wailing. Where were you when the guy was being accused and being tried in court? Where were those fans these past 20 years? Where were those news people when the guy was quietly raising his children, or when the guy was dealing with debts or when he was having medical problems?

It's the same thing... everybody is around in death. Why not be around when the person was suffering? Why not be supportive when the person needed to be praised? Why not give comfort when the person needed to be hugged? Why give flowers when she is unable to smell them? Why praise when she is unable to hear? Why visit when she is unable to see or feel your presence?

>>>

PLEASE DON'T WAIT....

If you ever loved me, tell me now.
If you have tender thoughts of me, tell me now.
If you miss me and wish to be near me, tell me now.
If you care for me, tell me now.
If I did something good and you wish to thank me, tell me now.
Please don't wait until I'm gone, or when my name is engraved on stone.
Please don't wait, because it might just be too late.

It is now autumn... almost near the cold end!!!

June 29, 2009 / dawn / betisanders 09

Happiness by betsisanders 09

Title: Happiness
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 8 x 11 inches
Artist: betsisanders 09

According to Aristotle, there are three forms of happiness. First -- is a life of pleasure and enjoyment. Second -- is a life as a free and responsible citizen. Third -- is a life as a thinker or philosopher. He emphasized that all these three forms must be present at the same time for man to find happiness and fulfillment.

The first form, a life of pleasure and enjoyment. This probably occurs early on in one's life. During childhood, where 'playing' is all that the child wants to do. As he grows older and becomes a teenager or goes off to college, he still plays,.... party all the time, hang out with friends, bar hop, take all forms of intoxication, if only to feel happy. Most people, get stuck in this period of their lives. They are unable to break the habits, smoking, drinking, partying all night, even taking drugs. They get older but remain in this period of their life.

The sec0nd form, life as a free and responsible citizen. What this probably means, is that the child has become an adult, has chosen to live his own life, away from his parents and siblings, has taken a job, gotten married, and is now raising a family. He is now a responsible individual and free to live the life he has dreamed about in his younger days.

The third form, life as a thinker and a philosopher. I am at this stage in life where my mind is filled with many thoughts. I used to have only negative thoughts. I thought that this was just part of menopause, where emotions overwhelm me, where I question my existence,and even reached a point that I doubted my own faith. I searched for the meaning of life, I asked myself if I have a purpose, I wondered what would happen after death. The happiness, enjoyment, merriment during younger days weren't enough to bring me the happiness that I yearned for.

I bought and read self help books, prayer books, inspirational books, philosophy books, and even books on Buddhism. I took art lessons to silence my mind, the thinker in my mind. I kept on doing anything that will preoccupy my mind and divert the thoughts. I read and learned about all sorts of meditation techniques. ... I did anything and everything to make me happy. Only to find out that happiness is never found outside the self. It is in all of us. We just have to choose to be happy.

After much soul searching, I know that I am very happy. All the three forms of happiness that Aristotle mentioned are simultaneously occurring in my life now.

>>>>>
The other day, I watched Transformers with my son. It was very entertaining. Many intelligent and smart people worked together to come up with a fascinating, exciting, fast paced movie. It is not just a movie about robots, but also about humanity, man's human nature, man's capability to love, help, and fight for what is right.

About 15 minutes before the movie ended, the lead star got wounded and was dying. His girlfriend was crying, weeping, wailing, screaming and holding on to him, hoping that he wouldn't die. I suddenly found myself crying. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I kept very still, very quiet... didn't want my son to see me crying while watching a "robot" movie.

My mind was suddenly filled with many thoughts.... I saw my Dad. I remembered the video that my sister sent me. Dad didn't want to say anything in the video. He just waved and said "Goodbye", then turned his head towards the side, the video stopped. I saw a very lonely old person. I saw an old man, who is at the end of his life.... then I remembered my sisters and their families who are all so far away, suddenly missed them all, and wished that they were near me. More thoughts flashed through my mind. I saw my best friends next and felt their love for me. I saw Boyet and Alvin, and was so grateful to have them. I felt needed and loved. .. Then again, frenemies appeared in my thoughts. Instead of feeling anger, I only felt sadness. I didn't have the monstrous thought of assassinating them, but instead, I wished them well and hoped that someday, they will understand me. That someday, forgiveness shall free me. That one day, I will be able to fully forgive them too.... Then I thought of writing my last will. I thought of writing each and every individual that has been a part of my wonderful life. Then the tears stopped flowing. I felt relieved. Despite the negative emotions that went through my mind, in the end, I felt happiness.

Then the movie ended. I didn't see how Optimus Prime defeated Megatron. I was so lost in thought, that, I was not present. I had to ask Alvin how the movie ended, because all I saw were the credits, the lights of the movie house being turned on, and people rushing to get out of the theatre :(. I told Alvin that Mom just had another 'attention deficit moment'.

I cry a lot... it is a way to release my emotions, so I can go back to being functional, loving, caring and happy. Those people who mind what I say 0r do, don't matter. But those who don't mind, matter.

Live, love and be happy always :)
June 27 (dawn)... betsisanders 09

The Dancer by betsisanders 09

Title: The Dancer
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 8 x 11 inches
Artist: betsisanders 09

This painting is included in "Calm 2009", my latest Digital Art Exhibit. I wrote about how much I love dance music and throwing parties. I mentioned how this boy, a nephew of my husband, clapped his hands, tapped his feet, swayed to the beat of disco music "Low" & "Suicidal"... he was nodding his head, making some sounds, unaffected, impervious to his cousins' inhibitions and lack of visible reactions, ignoring the people around him who were all pretending or acting as if there was no dance music playing. He was having a great time, simply having a fun happy moment. The boy is Khryzt, a boy with autism. These special children with autism are devoid of shallow worries, always in a state of blankness, never holding any grudges, protected by their mental state, never knowing how and what it feels to be alive.... or are they more alive than us, than his 'normal' cousins... I wonder?

>>>
Graham Greene wondered how those people who do not write, compose, paint, escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear which is inherent in all of us. He must have only considered those very few gifted, intelligent, smart individuals. Greene must have missed the vast majority, who in one way or another, alleviate their melancholia by singing, dancing, playing sports... those highly energetic "physical" persons.

The younger generation makes use of technology to reach out, to express themselves. They have video diaries, photo journals and blogs, which the older ones (like me) have recently discovered to be very useful tools in expressing thoughts, communicating and interacting with not just family and friends, but to many other wonderful people in the www - world wide web.

Those people who have not found a way to express themselves, are probably unhappy. The 'noonday demon' , depression, as described by Andrew Solomon, is their constant visitor and companion.

Some people use depression to bring out all kinds of helping behaviors from family and friends. They need a higher level of attention than you would expect. They use depression to relive their burdens or to avoid taking responsibility for their own lives. Financial, emotional and even behavioral issues or problems are taken cared of by friends and family. They simply claim to be too sick, too depressed, and demand that friends and family around them need to come through for them. They use depression to get more attention. They use their tears to gain sympathy, support , even material things from those closest to them.

They use depression as a power play. They make lots of demands on the people around them. They put themselves at the center of the lives of their family and friends. They can even use depression to blackmail friends into feeling sorry for them... and people often take the side of the person who cries loudest.

When one is depressed, one demands the love of others. And yet this depression causes you to destroy the love that is often given. Most of these depressed persons stick needles into their own life rafts. So, friends and family abandon their 'sinking ship".

No one wants to be sick all the time. When you feel a tummy ache, or a chest ache you visit an internist. When you have a rash, you visit a dermatologist. But when you are always in a bad mood, you go into denial.... you self medicate by taking sleeping pills, or drink liquor or even chain smoke profusely. Very few people accept that there is something wrong with their mind and avoid seeking professional psychiatric help. Then when relationships have been destroyed because of this depression, this 'pity me" attitude, "no one loves me or understands me" attitude... the depressed person blaims her friend, the one who has consistently listened to her problems, the friend who was the midnight counselor who was always on call, the friend who tried to help and solve some if not all of her problems. But in the end, the loyal friend is now an enemy, only because the friend needed some breathing space, needed to jump off the sinking ship, needed some time alone for her own self, needed to protect her self from being dragged down by this depressed individual. The friend has become the foe of the depressed person. They have a 'falling out" of sorts, had gone off in separate ways. The friend walked away to save herself from drowning. While the depressed person blaims her for all the misunderstanding. She is right and the helpful friend is the bad guy, the villain in her life. She claims never to have abused the helpful friend, but have forgotten their midnight counsellings, the cakes, the pastas, the care and love that was given to her and her family. She may not have abused but has definitely USED her friend.

If only this depressed person has found a way to express herself, transform her monstrous evil thoughts into art works, cakes, love songs, or have danced the night away. Then, she would probably still have her friend by her side, and more friends around her. But no dear, she has chosen to push her friend away.

Depression, the noonday demon, as described by Andrew Solomon, must be her constant companion.

So, dance or sing the night away with "I Love the Nightlife" ... create art, bake delicious cakes, write or blog, take photographs of spring flowers, explore and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us, play badminton, swim 20 laps in your pool daily, go on short trips with nice girls, indulge in decadent desserts,,, but never ever allow the noonday demon to dominate your life.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Let go... of bad thoughts. Fill your mind with wonderful thoughts. Listen to people who love you even if you don't believe that they are worth living for. Remove or block out the monstrous thoughts that invade your mind. Avoid persons who have nothing good to say, or those who waste time with gossip. Steer clear of emotionally damaging behavior or separate from people whose behavior is damaging to yourself. Avoid anything and everything that makes you unhappy.

So, DANCE, SING, PAINT, WRITE... PARTY... let go and let God!


betsisanders 09 ---- dawn July 26, 2009

summertime by betsisanders

Title: Summertime
Medium: Oil on Canvas
Size: 9 x 12 inches
Artist: betsisanders 09

I am in the summertime of my life, a hopeless 'Romantic', where I use art to express my thoughts, feelings and desires, where I find myself 'at play', where I create my own reality, where I am free to be me, where I am never judged, where in my pursuit of happiness, I went inward, to the very core of my 'being', and found my soul, whom I call, betsisanders.

"Romanticism was Europe's last great epoch, it was during this period in time that there was much importance of the ego's contribution to knowledge and cognition, where the individual was free to interpret life in his own way. The Romantics viewed artists as those who can provide what philosophers can't express. They viewed the activity of the artists as "play", and believed that man is only free when he plays, because then, man makes his own rules. They believed that thru art, they will be led to the "inexpressible". They said that the path of mystery led inwards and that man bears the whole universe within himself and comes closest to the mystery of the world by stepping inside himself. The artists went inside themselves and created a new world. But these Romantics went too far as to compare the artist to God, because the artist created his own reality the way God created the world. They said "that the world becomes a dream, and the dream becomes reality."

What makes me different from the Romantics of yesteryears? I do not claim to make art alone, nor attribute my works to just my talent or my gift. I owe this gift, this talent, only to Him, where I offer all of my creations, where everything I say or do are reflections of His love for me, and that I am all that I am because He loves me... and to Him I am grateful. One priest said that if your only prayer is a prayer of thanks, then that will suffice.

Summertime is the time to play. I am still in the summer of my life, though almost at the end of it, I still long to play, create, and dream. This painting is of a woman by the sea, where I always want to be, where I enjoy soaking in the salty water, riding the waves, and looking at the horizon... where I see Him waiting for me, watching over me, keeping me and my loved ones safe. It is not yet time to stop playing. Summer is here to be adventurous, playful, living, loving, dreaming, and to simply be me. (betsisanders 09)

"spring" by betsisanders

Title: "spring"
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 8 x 11 inches
Artist: betsisanders 09

I gave this painting to a dear friend on her 49th birthday. I have forgotten the title of this work :( but have renamed it as "spring".

Flowers bloom in springtime. So this lady is in her prime...youthful and vibrant, just starting her life as a young woman. She has many dreams,plans for the future and full of ambition, ...she thinks of what to do after college, where to set up her practice, which post graduate course to take, when is the right time to marry, how many kids to have... she even thought up names for her three baby boys. ... such a positive outlook in life.

Only to realize early on in her life that her plans may not happen the way she imagined them. Setting up her dental clinic was the easy part. Staying in the clinic day after day, from 8 to 5, waiting for potential patients to enter her clinic was the hard part. One needed to actively find patients. One needed to socialize more and meet more people to have more referrals. One colleague said that you should give away hundreds of business cards to people, even new acquaintances, so they will know you and that way, you'll get many referrals.

She wished to take up postgraduate training in the United States, but her mom said that their finances were not enough and would not suffice. :( So her dreams of becoming a specialist early on didn't materialize. Instead, a classmate encouraged her to work abroad as a dental assistant, to become an OFW. :(... this was never in her plan or in her wildest dreams. But what did she have to lose? She was a new graduate, working as an associate in a dental clinic earning 400 pesos a month, and her home clinic had no patients. The 10,000 pesos monthly compensation as a dental assistant was very tempting, and so off she went to the 'kingdom' as an OFW, a dental assistant. :(

Many wondered why she chose to work as an OFW. Her family was well off, financially stable, although not filthy rich. She still had two siblings in college and that was a tough time for her parents. She probably wanted some adventure. During that time, tourists were not allowed to enter the 'kingdom'. She saw this as an opportunity to travel, to learn new things, to get away from her 'sheltered-cloistered" home environment. It was a challenge and the daring woman inside her said, GO!.... ( working in the kingdom was a 'culture shock', a bad dream, a nightmare.... but this story will have to wait)

She remained focused and positive. Thought that by working for a few years, she'll save up enough money so she can have her dream wedding or take up postgraduate courses...barely six months working in the desert, she got married, came back home and started a family.

She wanted to have 3 babies, baby boys... she even had names for them, Joey, Louie and Mark. But she didn't have a baby boy, she delivered a cute baby girl. Want to know how strong she was then? She delivered her baby alone,,, her husband was still in the desert working.... but with the help of her best friend, sisters, Nanay and Daddy, she delivered her angel without much complications. That was what she thought.:(

She asked to see her daughter, whom she first saw a glimpse of, when the doctor woke her up to show her the cute baby girl, who was pink and 'healthy'. But she never got to see her baby in the hospital again. She was informed that her little girl was rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit of the Heart Center. Her baby had Congenital Pulmonary Valve Atresia. She was a "blue baby!!! :( Her baby's name was Marie Angelica, Chica for short. She lived for 1 year and 9 months...."Ours for a while, God's forever"... her little angel.

Now the strong, ambitious, focused , goal oriented woman was shattered. Fear, Anger, Sadness dominated her being. She was lost and didn't know what to do next... realized that things may not happen as planned, dreams can be destroyed, one can be left shattered, broken. Melancholia came and never left her side.

But it was still springtime, and there was still hope, a whole bright future ahead. She took small steps, healed herself and became stronger. She is a fighter, a worker, a dreamer, a woman in search for happiness and meaning in her life. Three years after her daughter's death, she decided to let go of the fear, try again and maybe next time, God will grant her a healthy baby boy...and God did... He gave her Alvin, her inspiration to live longer, to love more and pursue not just her happiness but joy for herself, her husband and her dearest Alvin.

It's spring... flowers bloom, birds chirp, ... the surroundings seem to be sprouting life... the weather is pleasant... no way to waste such beauty. So start dreaming again, start over, make new plans, stay focused... if you fail, then try again and again... it's springtime... life was just beginning.

betsisanders / july 18, 2009

The Red Rose by betsisanders

Title: The Red Rose
Medium: Acrylic on Canvas
Size: 14 x 36 inches
Artist: betsisanders

I made this painting about 4 years ago. It's in my husband's home office. It is my version of an original painting I saw while surfing the web.

I have posted this painting in my multiply site in one of the blogs entitled "falling-out". :( Don't know why I chose this painting for that blog, which some people interpreted as "negative". They thought I was very bitter, very angry and in a really bad situation. But people who know me well did not see me as bitter, angry or hateful.

The title of the blog I posted in multiply is "falliing-out"...two words that explain simply how friends , even spouses, have gone separate ways or have split up, fought and decided to walk away, or separate from the other. They have chosen to abandon the 'sinking ship' or the failed relationship, detached themselves from people whose behavior or maybe their behavior has been detrimental to both of them.

I have written that FRIEND who loses respect 'R'... becomes FIEND... :( just my thoughts, and maybe someone else's thoughts. I always say that thoughts, even how monstrous they can be, are just thoughts ,, and do not deserve a reward or a reprimand. I even suggest that when these monstrous thoughts disturb the peace and the calm that one has achieved, one just has to follow the thought, feel the feeling, and very soon it will go away... or better to transform such thoughts, by creating art, baking a cake or cooking up a feast.... or throwing a party.

My purpose in life is to attain happiness, which I have found inside me... no one can give me happiness, no amount of material things can assure me of happiness... one just has to accept and choose happiness! I have read a lot of self help books and they all say the same thing... choose happiness!

>>>

The Red Rose symbolizes me... or you ... it starts as a bud,,, a beautiful bud, ... 'a child'... who after some time, becomes a full blown beautiful red rose... admired and wanted by everyone, brings out a smile when given by a handsome or not so handsome suitor, or gives comfort to a bereaved family who has just lost a loved one.

The Red Rose will bloom and emit its fragrance ... that's her time, her moment, her best performance.... but after that, the red rose will wilt, dry up and die.

Here I go again talking about death... it is certain, it is inevitable, its realization makes one live life more fully, it makes us value each day. By knowing that it is coming, we make the most of what we have today, we give importance to those we love, and keep them close to our hearts... it will come any day, any time... but don't wait for it to come, don't lose sleep thinking about it. Just have the greatest time of your life every day... live, love and always be happy.

Others say, live , love, laugh.... laughter isn't happiness, but it does help a lot... happiness is being content, grateful, fulfilled, and ready.........

betsisanders09

The Blue Ballerina

Artist : betsisanders 09
Title: The Blue Ballerina
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting is my version of the original (painted by a Foot & Mouth Painter). The original ballerina wore a white tutu. In my version she wears a 'powder blue' tutu.

The little lady is shown tying the laces of her ballet shoes. While at it, she is probably feeling very anxious, nervous , excited about her performance. By slowly tying her shoe lace, she is indeed having a quiet time, alone, separate from the other girls , who may be as anxious and more nervous than she is. These few minutes are pr0bably spent on reviewing her steps , silently praying that she doesn't make a mistake, or probably, thanking God for the opportunity to express herself thru dance, make an identity for herself, show others what she is capable of, reveal an important part of herself, the balerina, the dancer, the performer, the artist.

During my early years in life, I have always wanted to take ballet lessons. My two younger, slim sisters were taking ballet lessons, But since i was on the heavy side, chubby, fat :) Nanay didn't think I would fit in any leothards or tights, that's why she didn't let me take ballet lessons.

After my back surgery in 1987, I underwent physical therapy, almost daily, for many many years. My physical therapist would comment that I have very flexible joints and that if I had taken ballet lessons when young, it could have corrected some if not all the back and spine problems that I have today.

I suffer from degenerative disc disease, cervical spondylosis, lumbar spinal spondylosis and spondylolistheses, rotator cuff syndrome, myofascial pain syndrome, chronic pain syndrome, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel syndrome, hypertension and diabetes mellitus. I have to take medications to regulate my blood sugar, blood pressure, bowel movement, treat gastric problems and alleviate pain. Doctors advised me to take insulin, but until now, I still refuse to do so, hoping that oral hypoglycemic medications can regulate blood sugar levels. I am undergoing pain management, so I can function like a normal individual during the day, be productive , pain-free , to be able to do household chores, cook and bake for my husband and son, to be an ideal wife and mother, to make delicious pasta dishes , cupcakes, tarts for our food business, to work and finish my last orthodontic cases, and lastly, to escape the melancholia that comes with these illnesses.

Tramadol, Celebrex, Neurontin, Lyrica, Stillnox, Rivotril, Benadryl, Advil, Tylenol, Flanax, etc etc etc.... are my constant companions. I am never without any of them. They make me feel normal, pain - free, and functional, so, I can be a good wife, a loving mother, a caring friend, a better dentist. Without them, I will be in anguish and all I can do is lie down on the bed and cry. One does not have to tell the entire world of one's pain or suffering all the time. People get tired of listening to my old stories... so i have dropped the pathetic sad stories of my life. I go on with life, with one major goal,,, and that is to pursue happiness.

Live, love and be happy.... betsisanders 09

Memories ... naked truth

Artist: betsisanders 09
Title: Memories ... Naked Truth
Medium: Watercolor
Size: 6 x 8 inches

While watching a local television show, they featured people who had 'collections', one had a collection of vintage electric guitars, another one had memorabilia of rock stars, one lady had a room full of expensive designer bags, Birkin's, Kelly's,LV's etc. Then I thought, what if there suddenly is an earthquake with a magnitude of 7.9, or some flash flooding happens? Their collections will be buried in rubble or soaked in mud. What then?

When is it enough? When is it too much? When is it a need, a want, a whim, an obsession or an illness? After the tenth Hermes bag, what more can satisfy your need or is it greed? After that Porsche, that Bentley or that Harley, what more do you want to acquire?

Collect memories, friends, graces and not material things. Acquire things that need not be carried, like movie tickets, or tickets to the ball game. Purchase season passes to the ballet or watch plays at the theatre. Indulge in fine dining or simple fast food finds. Travel with family and friends and have a good time.Spend your time creating and not buying useless things that clutter your life. You might think that the designer bag you bought using your credit card is the best, but no dear, someone else has a bigger bag, a more expensive bag, an original and not a 'knock-off'. Have coffee with your best friend or have fast lunches with your travel buddies. Dance the night away while watching your favorite band play non-stop dance music. Swing to the beat of "I love the nightlife". Remember the time that your friend dedicated a song number for you. Reminisce the good times, the dates with your husband. Think back on all the wonderful things your husband has done for you. Never forget how he has kept his cool while you recklessly insulted , shouted, even kicked him out of your frustration and anger. Bear in mind the kindness and care he has given you for almost 25 years . Recall your son's first steps, first words, first everything......Store all these memories in your memory bank. When feeling down, log on to these thoughts, these wonderful fond memories of happy times. Relive them in your thoughts.

"Memory is amazing. Our memories shape us, they serve as a backdrop for our daily lives, context for our actions, a rationale for our sometimes dubious decisions. Who we are today is extrinsically woven through with memories of who we were yesterday and the days before that, where we highlight episodes from our past, spotlighting our first loves, latest disappointments or hates. They are all woven in the threads of our tapestry ,called life. Pull one thread and watch how the whole thing unravels. Who did what to whom, what foods we've developed a taste for, what skills we have mastered or failed at, what movies we enjoyed, what music we've danced to, what movie star we admire, or what politicians we hate. If we can't remember such seemingly ordinary details, well, then, who are we?"

"It's our memories that define us. Without them, we don't have an identity. We have nothing. Those pathetic old creatures who have outlived their memories and now sit screaming in lonely hospital corridors, scream not with the pain of their deteriorating organs, but rather with the agony of no longer knowing who they are, their ears searching for the familiar voice, their eyes staring blankly not recognizing their old faces or reflections. They live for nothing."

My mother used to cry all the time, she screamed all night, for several months, while she lay down on her bed, unable to move her body, unable to feed herself, unable to sit or stand without the aid of a caregiver. Many nights, she begged me to end it for her. :( I never talked about her illness. I never mentioned to her how serious her condition was.... because I didn't want to rob her of hope. But I knew that she knew her time was short and will soon be over.

So when the time comes that my memory will fail me, or my body has stopped working for me... Please help me out of this painful, dreadful, pitiful situation. When my mind has forsaken me, and fond memories have gone, I, too have gone away. All that will be left is the naked, bare body. Just like a child, born naked, one dies naked, bare... that's the naked truth.

June 14, 2009 / 2 AM........ betsisanders

reflections

Title: Reflections
Acrylic Painting by betsisanders
Size: 20 x 24 inches

Reflections are images produced when light is reflected, as seen on the water in this painting.
Reflection also means throwing back by a surface of sound, light, heat. Reflection may also mean serious thought or contemplation, expressed in words.

Painting and writing requires serious thoughts and contemplation. These are my ways of coping and dealing with life, that, at one point has become difficult, sad, full of suffering, pain, fear and anger. In this journey called life, I found meaning and happiness in these solitary activities, where I am not judged, where I am free to express my innermost feelings, where emotions are released, where pain and anger disappear,( if only for a moment), where I create simple art... where I can inspire others through my writing,, so that they too may find real happiness.

Pine trees are also my favorite subjects when painting landscapes. Christmas is never complete without these trees. The origin of the Christmas tree is accredited to Saint Boniface. When the Oak of Thor was chopped down by Boniface , in a stage-managed confrontation with the old gods and local heathen tribes, a fir tree grew in the roots of the Oak, which Boniface claimed as a new symbol. "This humble tree's wood is used to build your homes, let Christ be the center of your households. Its leaves remain evergreen in the darkest days, let Christ be your constant light. Its boughs reach out to embrace and its top points to heaven, let Christ be your comfort and guide."

This painting is a reflection of my present state... happiness is in me.
Betsisanders' prayer --- Lord, may my life be a reflection of Your love, in whatever I say or do, I offer you my creations, because they can only come from You.

WOMAN a reflection of my soul

Title: WOMAN, a reflection of my soul
Medium: Oil on Canvas
Size: 8 x 11 inches

WOMAN ... one who has lived and loved. Someone who is in a transition, from being an adult to becoming an elderly person. Someone who has reinvented and created a better version of herself.

The painting draws out all sorts of emotions. Emotion in itself is not unhappiness. Emotion plus an unhappy story is unhappiness. I have dropped the story of my life and have changed my story.

Everyday, I say, I'm happy, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm pain-free, I'm lovable and I'm loved. I spend my time with people who are generous, not with material things, but generous with praise and appreciation.

The WOMAN is calm, quiet, mysterious, deep in thoughts. Pleasure is expressed in this painting. She may even be lustful. She must also be having so much fun and laughing in her heart. She is grateful for all the blessings that come her way, has lived a comfortable life, never needing nor wanting anything material because material things never made her happy. This woman is loved by a handsome, loving, caring and wonderful man. She is respected and loved by her son, who is her inspiration and motivation to live longer, to love more and whom she lives for. The woman has friends and family who love her back, who make her feel needed, wanted and appreciated. That woman is me... betsisanders.

Lady in Red, Naked

Title: Lady in Red, Naked
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting is just one of the three versions of the Lady in Red. I have given them to two of my dearest friends, Cynthia and Debra. These two lovely ladies are very generous... with praise and admiration.

The Lady in Red... represents life, from birth until death. We are all born naked. But as we go through life, we cover up, we hide, not just our naked bodies, but our naked self. We learn to mask our feelings. We learn how to behave or act in proper decorum, even when deep inside ourselves, we want to break free, be wild, carefree, devoid of shame or fear. We try to do what others expect us to do. We put on the "red towel" to protect us. Or we use it as a shield or a wall to keep us safe from those who want to harm us, ridicule us, hurt us, or rob us of our joy.

This Lady in Red is now at a certain point in her adult life, where she begins to dismantle the walls she has created in her 50 years of life. She wants to break free from the dictates of others. She wants space and sometimes, wishes to be left alone. She is comfortable with simply being. She has found solace, an easing of grief, loneliness or discomfort. Solace is the comfort that you feel when consoled in times of disappointment. She has provided moral and emotional support to many people in her life, solace for others.

She has lived a full life, is quite content and peaceful. However, she is nearing a point in her life, that is inevitable, certain. Aging started when she survived her first fall and that death will come with the second fall.

When I reach the point when I am in nothing but pain, I hope that you, my dear family and friends, will end it for me. Nobody wants pain. We all want a quiet death, dying in one's sleep, in the comfort of your own bed, when one is very very old. But death comes when you least expect it. I have this fear of what lies ahead, of being out of control or having no control of my self. If you love me, you will help me out of the misery. The naked lady in red will soon reach the end of her life. She has no regrets or unresolved issues anymore. She is ready, to be naked again, in death.

The Sunflower Lady

Title: The Sunflower Lady
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting was exhibited last March 2009 and it was sold on opening night. I have made 4 other versions of The Sunflower Lady and have given them to special people in my life. Those wonderful individuals who appreciate what I do. Those great friends who value my friendship and have chosen to accept and love me unconditionally.

The lady in this painting is carefree, fun loving, always having a great time, love to party, love to dance, is never afraid to expose her real self, is confident with herself, and has a great future ahead of her. The lady is me... should I say , was me, during my younger years, where i was daring, strong, ambitious, and having fun all the time, partying, dancing, drinking, .... did everything my mother told me not to do. This was me, many years ago. All that is left now are the fond memories of party time, dancing at Coco Banana until dawn, drinking scotch on the rocks in high ball glasses, smoking, ... just simply having FUN. I thought this was the kind of life that I would enjoy forever.

The other day, I went with my old 'drinking buddies' and Coco Banana party crowd to watch 8 Track Band at Strumm's, Makati. It was just like the good old days. Non-stop party music. Couples dancing the swing, my favorite! Girls jumping around, having a great great time. I had a good time too, by simply watching all of them have fun. I simply enjoyed the music, dance music from the late 70's to early 90's. I was surprised to feel good despite the fact that I didn't drink a drop of alcohol nor did I go to the dance floor. I watched my friend while he played the keyboard. He smiled and I waved.
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But the parties had to end. I thought that having fun gave meaning to my life and that kind of fun equaled happiness. --- I used to come home tired, tipsy, sometimes drunk, during my younger days. I wanted more of the fun, but it had to end. I was back in my room with only me and alone.

But the other night, coming home from Strumm's... I came home smiling, relaxed and felt good. I actually had a good time, and going home, being alone or simply 'being' ...was good, was enough, or more than enough.

Realized that happiness is never found outside the self, never found in other people, never found in parties.... happiness is in me, has always been inside me, I just had to choose happiness, and by being still and simple, I have found what I have always searched for in my life.

Live, love and be happy.... by betsisanders

Bridge Over Calm Water (Oil Painting by betsisanders)

Calm, quiet, peaceful, relaxed, in perfect harmony with life, full of love .... complete bliss, joyful and happy. This is how I would describe this painting. This is me, or what I want to achieve in my life. Through painting and writing, I achieve this state of tranquility... where I am not judged, where I can be me, where I am most happy.

That is what I want you to see through my paintings and my writings. Everyone sees only what I want them to see. What isn't written or painted are some things that you will never see.... my frustrations, my heartaches, my pain. All these I can hide. I am the only one who sees this part of me. You'll never know the thoughts, such monstrous thoughts, that sometimes invade the peace and the calm. But what is important is that you see what God sees in me, and I portray them in my simple works of art.

Only a person who is totally happy with one's self, quite comfortable with herself, and completely content with life can enjoy solitary activities. I do not long for the constant noise or boisterousness of some people, or the amusement, recreation, or social entertainment from a gathering of people. I do not need the admirations, praises, compliments, fame, expressions of approval, glory or applause.

I just need to 'be'... true, honest, sincere, respectable, trustworthy, to others and to God, who sees the real me. "I am all that I am because Someone loves me!".

Sometimes, I do enjoy being with the company of fun, smart, loving, caring, grateful friends. But I have detached myself from those who do not love me back. :( I can love and still choose to separate from people, if our behavior is repeatedly damaging to myself or to them. I have found new people in my life who are more deserving of my love. Found new friends to share my short life with. Turned my back on those who hurt me.

I am at an age where I am more comfortable with being alone, where I shift from being an adult into becoming an elderly person. Old age has begun. Old age begins with a minor fall that one survives... and death comes with the second fall. Being with other old people, colleagues from college, friends from high school, classmates in grade school.... one does not feel very old when around these same old people. I suddenly realize that I am not young anymore, and that half a century has passed.

What have I done? What have I become? What have I done for others? What have others learned from me? I can only say that I shared and gave until it hurt. I still do. I just have to accept that whatever good deed I have done for one person, may not be returned to me by that same person. I have been very fortunate, lucky and very well provided for. That must be the way I am rewarded.

Never expect people to love you the way you want to be loved. Suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine to be loved. I always say, love those who love you back... but if they don't, just try again and maybe next time, they will love you back.

Live, love and always be happy. (betsisanders 09)