i'll keep them in my heart but not in my life ...

Title: Nude
Size: 5 x 7 inches
Medium: Acrylic on Museum Wrapped Canvas
Artist: betsisanders 2011


I have been hurt, disappointed, frustrated. I've had failed relationships and find it difficult to forgive others, those who have wronged me. I have missed numerous opportunities. Some of my dreams & aspirations have died. I felt guilty for what I had done wrong or for those things I failed to do. I am shamed. While guilt is about something wrong that I had done. Shame, as I have learned in a life class, is something wrong with who I am.

For a long time, I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong in my life. It was all my fault and I cried buckets. I thought I was not smart enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, not good enough,.... not enough.

At one point, I blamed others. It wasn't all my fault. It takes 'two to tango', two to fight and two to make things right. That was what I thought.

Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are the first time, believe them."

I had seen them, seen their true faces,
I knew she was self centered, selfish, narcissistic,
I knew she was user-friendly and immoral
I knew that her past time was gossiping.
I knew she was a social climber.
I knew that she was good for nothing, a liar, a leech, a cheat
.... but I gave excuses for her behavior.
I wished that maybe, in time, she will change.
I gave her permission to be in my life.

When I was betrayed and hurt by a loved one, a friend, a sister,
I went into self doubt, felt unworthy and 'not enough'.
I asked ...
"Why didn't I see that? How can I be a dolt?
Am I really that stupid?
Why did I allow them to hurt me ? "

I learned that...
"I am responsible for what others bring into my life.
I am the only one who gets to say what goes on in my life.
If people hurt me, it is because I allowed them. "

I also learned that "When crazy comes into your own family, or within your circle of friends, is it okay to walk away and never have a relationship with them? As a child, I had to stay. As an adult, I have a choice. I released my story. I can have a good relationship with them within myself, not necessarily have a physical relationship. By continuing to be angry means I still care and wish to go back to the way it was."

So, I shall forgive them. I have made peace with them within myself. I have released them to God, Who is the ultimate judge.

How do I know I have forgiven?
...when I don't feel anything anymore
...when I have no more emotions
...when I can talk about the past and not be upset
...it is just as it is.

Finally, I will forgive myself for judging myself. First, let go of the guilt that I did something wrong. Then let go of my shame... That there is something wrong with who I am. ... Just let go and let God.

"When I turn my back, walk away, close my door and keep them shut, it is because I value my peace of mind and myself more. They are not worth my time and my love. I'll keep them in my heart but not in my life." / betsisanders 2011