Peaceful, an acrylic painting by betsisanders

Title:  Peaceful

Size:  30 x 24 inches

Medium:  Acrylic on Museum Wrapped Canvas

Artist:  betsisanders 2014

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Today is the 25th death anniversary of my little Marie Angelica. Written on her tombstone - "Ours for a while, God's forever."  Someday, you and I will be together. But for now, watch over Mom, Dad and Alvin.

It's a beautiful and peaceful day today. Love and Laugh!

January 2014 Photo Gallery

With good old pals from UPPDA

http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/02/sambokojin-edsa.html

Madam Cookie. Sir Watty and Dr R

Dr. Joy & me

Roy Dit Cookie Alan Watty Joy Dr R & me

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http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-black-pig-charcuterie-bar.html

 Tita Angel  Ma'am Tina & Dr R

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Watched 8 Track Band perform at Strumms, Jupiter St., Makati City

With friends from UP Pre Dental Association  in honor of balikbayan Dr. Joy.

From L to R

Dr. Babette, Ms. Neny, Mr Ferdinand Cacnio,

Dr. R, Me, Dr. Joy, Dit & Roy

(Photo courtesy of Ditdit)

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Happy Hour one Sunday afternoon with balikbayans

Dr Joni and Dr Joy
(Joy Joni Alan Dr R Ned Atchet Ces & me)
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http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/king-bee-chinese-restaurant-marcos-hiway.html

Early Chinese New Year Meal at King Bee
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http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/woo-galbi-korean-restaurant-6f-east.html

Debra's birthday treat at Woo Galbi
(with some travel buddies and the girls I used to hang out with)

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Aya Bubs & Me

Dr Aimee's despedida

http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/sambokojin-edsa.html
(Aimee Bubut Malu Swanee Aya & Me)

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At Zoricho, Silver City, Pasig

http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/zoricho-pasig-city.html
(Avic Gigi Bubut Yayo Me Marivic Angela Debra)

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(Aimee Angela Bubut & Me)

http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/its-filipino-breakfast-for-dinner.html

Aimee's Despedida

 http://chicsanders22.blogspot.com/2014/01/richmonde-hotel-cafe-pasig-city.html
With my bdff's , best doctor friends forever
Dr. Aimee, Dr. Olive, Dr. Joey, Dr. Bingbing, Dr.B & me)

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/ chicsanders 2014

Life, Be Still... a painting by betsisanders

Title:  Life, Be Still

Size:  20 x 16 inches

Medium:  Acrylic on Canvas

Artist: betsisanders 2014

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"Life, Be Still... a painting by betsisanders." 

I chose that title instead of the more common "Still Life" by betsisanders. 

Or maybe this is a better title ---  "be still betsisanders... that's life!"
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The title "still life" is very common. My teacher uses it all the time when students do not give titles to their works. so I jumbled the words and came up with Life, Be Still... then I thought that "Be still betsisanders ...that's life!" is better and more meaningful. / Someone said to me that the reason why some art works sell for hundreds of thousands of pesos, and are all sold on opening night is because people buy the paintings for the social relevance or meaning behind the art works, even if the subjects look like aliens with big eyes and broken necks.... Oh dear... So this painting has a deeper meaning. Not that I plan to sell it and market it for its "social relevance"... duh.... It simply means... be still and pray betsisanders, life may not be easy and trust in Him .... "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10) 

Life ends.

January 18, 2014

As I write this blog post. Daddy General’s remains have been cremated and I’ve been crying ever since. When I was about to leave and go to the wake, Son asked, “Mom, did you bring lots of tissue paper?” … Sigh.

I was having lunch with the girls when my phone started ringing.  I tried to answer the call but Janet hung up. I redialed her number and got an engaged tone. Then, Bubut’s phone started ringing and I knew right away why Janet was calling.  Her dad just passed. We all got teary eyed but my tears just kept on pouring, running down my cheeks, dripping on my shirt and continued to flow as I bit, chomped, swallowed and consumed enormous amounts of food. Aya asked “Kakain pa ba tayo?”  I replied (in my mind) … “Syempre. What else can we do?” but I said this instead, “Yes. That’s what we are going to do… to stop crying.” Aimee was very still, quiet, shocked I guess. I knew she was holding back her tears and remembering how her Dad passed a year ago. So I requested, actually ordered, Aimee to get more food from the buffet and that’s what she did. That was last Saturday.

Iyanla wrote “When we lose a loved one to death or end a long-term relationship, it is perfectly normal to grieve. We must honor and recognize each stage of the grief and every emotion we have. When we do not grieve, we get stuck. We owe it to ourselves and the memory of the relationship to grieve and cleanse our soul.”

I know my dear friend is grieving right now.  I don’t know what to do. Should I call her, text her, email her?  I can’t seem to know what to say.  I even searched the internet on what not to say or what to say to a person who is sad. So here I am again, typing away my thoughts and feelings.

Ronnie, another dear friend sent me an email yesterday and asked to hug Janet for her.  I told her that I am not a hugging kind of person and that I will just send Janet a flying kiss. Or…  I might just send Janet this blog.

When my Nanay passed 14 years ago, I remember not crying when I found her lifeless on her bed.  Dad didn't cry too.  We just stared at her.  After a while, the maid came up to the room and started wailing.  I gave her a few minutes then ordered her, commanded her to STOP.  It took a while before the body of my Nanay was taken and brought to the morgue. I also remember getting a phone call from Ned,  a dental colleague ( husband’s close friend, even a secondary sponsor at our wedding), a few minutes after Nanay died.  We chatted and I talked as if nothing happened, as if everything was alright, as if my tears were not flowing down my cheeks.  I did not tell him that Nanay died.  If I were the only one to make the decisions then, there would be no wake.  Nanay’s remains will be cremated that same day. … And that I would tell no one.

All I wanted to do was to keep very still, lock myself in my bedroom, bury my head in my pillows, scream and cry endlessly. I always say that all things end, even my tears will run out.  Maybe that is what Janet is feeling and doing right this moment. I will let her be quiet and still. I will let her cry until her tear glands are dry. I too will cry in the confines and privacy of my bedroom. My tears will blend with hers.

 Death paid us a visit again. I will remind myself over and over, that only death is certain. Life ends. 

"I will not be pushed where I choose not to be." / betsisanders 2014

Iyanla Vanzant is an American inspirational speaker, New Thought spiritual teacher, author, and television personality, (quoted from Wikipedia) I first saw her in one of Oprah's shows and I've been following her appearances on Super Soul Sunday. Today, Iyanla wrote, "You can direct the outcome of any situation you face through the power of thought. The key is to be honest with yourself and others at all times, keep your thoughts focused on the best possible outcome for everyone involved and never allow yourself to be pushed where you don't choose to be."

That's what I actually did. I did not allow anyone to push me where I do not choose to be.  Instead, I stayed home and started painting.  I have transformed my thoughts, such monstrous thoughts, into an art work.  I did not wish to be in a place where I could encounter frenemies.  It's either fight or flight and I chose to walk away.

This is the outcome of my choice. An unfinished painting. 

The first for the year 2014 ....

 "I will not be pushed where I choose not to be."

/ betsisanders 2014

"Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me. True forgiveness is trusting God to handle the situation."

Iyanla wrote, "Do not allow yesterday's garbage to influence your experience today. Do not allow your fears about tomorrow's garbage steal the goodness that is available to you right now. Right now you have the opportunity to create a fresh start. Release the past! Receive your good now! Trust that when you reach tomorrow, there will be nothing but good waiting for you."

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It’s been almost 14 years since my mother died.  For some reason, I remember her today. As I was busy doing my chores, sketching, making the draft for my painting, just quietly spending the day at home, alone, (since the Son was  in school and the Hubby at the office) … I remember how only a few people came to visit  Nanay while she suffered and slowly died from chronic renal failure and end stage diabetes.

Actually, only three people came to visit her regularly. One was a nosy neighbor who came and ‘prayed - over’  her weekly. Only to find out that the neighbor was actually snooping and telling the other neighbors how my mother was suffering and even said bad things about our family.  That neighbor has left the subdivision, sold her house, moved to the province and is probably dead by now. 

The other two who came to visit was my Auntie, my mother’s older sister and her daughter. My Nanay and Tita Ding were very close to each other.  Too bad that my auntie died three months before Nanay passed away.

When Nanay died, I didn't want to celebrate that Christmas in 2000, but I still put up a blue Christmas tree for my eight year old son.  That year and for the next several years, we went out of the country and spent Christmas out of the house. I vowed to never ever have the traditional lunch on Christmas day at our house, where both sides of my family would hold their yearly reunions. Instead, we celebrated Hubby’s birthday and invited friends, high school classmates, dental colleagues and the Hubby’s relatives. It took me many years, probably ten, before I invited some of my relatives over and only my cousin, Tita Ding's daughter, knew how I felt towards my relatives on both sides of my family. 

For the past five years or so, the three of us have stayed home during the Christmas season. We stopped going out of the country during the holidays, not even out of town.  I send the household help on days-off and the three of us spend Christmas Day and New Year together at home.

I guess time  healed my wounds.  I have allowed some relatives to come and visit me last week.   Another family, my Dad’s sister, her children, grandchildren are coming over this weekend to visit me. I guess they do really want to see ME. 

I was telling my sister about these thoughts, my feelings, my sentiments. She said, “I can never be happy if I hold on to grudges and to do what makes me happy.” I replied that my happiness does not depend on them, that I have forgiven them and have allowed them to visit; that I have helped my cousins financially and even gave a life plan to another Aunt when she died. That is more than forgiveness. She replied by saying that only God forgives.

There is that word again… forgiveness.

"Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me. True forgiveness means trusting God to handle the situation."

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These two boys love me and make me laugh.

It's still a happy new year!

Love and Laugh … betsisanders 2014