Life ends.

January 18, 2014

As I write this blog post. Daddy General’s remains have been cremated and I’ve been crying ever since. When I was about to leave and go to the wake, Son asked, “Mom, did you bring lots of tissue paper?” … Sigh.

I was having lunch with the girls when my phone started ringing.  I tried to answer the call but Janet hung up. I redialed her number and got an engaged tone. Then, Bubut’s phone started ringing and I knew right away why Janet was calling.  Her dad just passed. We all got teary eyed but my tears just kept on pouring, running down my cheeks, dripping on my shirt and continued to flow as I bit, chomped, swallowed and consumed enormous amounts of food. Aya asked “Kakain pa ba tayo?”  I replied (in my mind) … “Syempre. What else can we do?” but I said this instead, “Yes. That’s what we are going to do… to stop crying.” Aimee was very still, quiet, shocked I guess. I knew she was holding back her tears and remembering how her Dad passed a year ago. So I requested, actually ordered, Aimee to get more food from the buffet and that’s what she did. That was last Saturday.

Iyanla wrote “When we lose a loved one to death or end a long-term relationship, it is perfectly normal to grieve. We must honor and recognize each stage of the grief and every emotion we have. When we do not grieve, we get stuck. We owe it to ourselves and the memory of the relationship to grieve and cleanse our soul.”

I know my dear friend is grieving right now.  I don’t know what to do. Should I call her, text her, email her?  I can’t seem to know what to say.  I even searched the internet on what not to say or what to say to a person who is sad. So here I am again, typing away my thoughts and feelings.

Ronnie, another dear friend sent me an email yesterday and asked to hug Janet for her.  I told her that I am not a hugging kind of person and that I will just send Janet a flying kiss. Or…  I might just send Janet this blog.

When my Nanay passed 14 years ago, I remember not crying when I found her lifeless on her bed.  Dad didn't cry too.  We just stared at her.  After a while, the maid came up to the room and started wailing.  I gave her a few minutes then ordered her, commanded her to STOP.  It took a while before the body of my Nanay was taken and brought to the morgue. I also remember getting a phone call from Ned,  a dental colleague ( husband’s close friend, even a secondary sponsor at our wedding), a few minutes after Nanay died.  We chatted and I talked as if nothing happened, as if everything was alright, as if my tears were not flowing down my cheeks.  I did not tell him that Nanay died.  If I were the only one to make the decisions then, there would be no wake.  Nanay’s remains will be cremated that same day. … And that I would tell no one.

All I wanted to do was to keep very still, lock myself in my bedroom, bury my head in my pillows, scream and cry endlessly. I always say that all things end, even my tears will run out.  Maybe that is what Janet is feeling and doing right this moment. I will let her be quiet and still. I will let her cry until her tear glands are dry. I too will cry in the confines and privacy of my bedroom. My tears will blend with hers.

 Death paid us a visit again. I will remind myself over and over, that only death is certain. Life ends.