I am sad for him ...

“There are two kinds of pain, the sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain, the sort of pain that's only suffering. I have no patience for useless things.” I heard Francis Underwood say these lines at the beginning of the series, House of Cards.

I am used to useless pain, the physical pain that debilitates; one that causes me to take unlimited amounts of NSAIDS; that which keeps me awake at night; that which makes me shed buckets of tears; that most human experience which does not make me stronger; that is just suffering… and I can deal with that any time.

That isn’t the reason why I am typing away on my computer at two in the morning. I am dealing with a different kind of pain. 

After taking my nightly dose of painkillers five hours ago; while it seems to be peaceful and quiet where all I can hear is the hum of the air-conditioning unit; while I’ve waited and longed for this tranquil state; I am still unable to fall into deep slumber. It’s not about me or Hubby nor my frenemies.

He said, “ Mom, would you take it against me if I quit law school?”  We were on our way home, with him driving for his dear old Mom. He probably expected me to scream at the top of my lungs; to crush his soul with sharp dagger looks; to be extremely furious;to  shout or swear at him.  I didn’t do any of those.  I totally understood him.  I knew where he was coming from. Something flashbacked in me … that time when I wanted to quit dentistry in my senior year and go to art school.

I remember what he said to me on his first week in law school. “Mom, if I don’t make the cut-off in law school, I’ll  just find a job.” I said, “What?”… “kaya mo yan, matalino ka.”  … “Mom, I’m not happy in law school. I wanted to quit in September.”  I asked, “Did you fail any subject?”  “Yes." "Why? How?” …. “ After thirty minutes of badgering, of being harassed and insulted by that teacher, I told him, … “You think this law profession is so high and mighty? It is not. In law practice, you bribe and pay the judges, you corrupt lawyers….” He didn’t finish and couldn’t remember everything he said to the professor.  He walked out and never went back to class.

I understood where my son was coming from and it hurt more than my useless physical pain. I am sad for him. I’ve been crying quietly, haven't told his Dad about what happened.  

Everyone knows how my son is such an obedient boy, soft-spoken, could not harm a fly. But he just lost his temper.  He said, “Mom I studied hard. I made notes. I read that thick bunch of Xerox copies.” He motioned with his fingers, about two inches thick. 

“Will you be kicked out?” .No Mom.  I will be dropped from the roster and will be given an honorary dismissal. But I can’t enroll this semester for post-graduate studies.”  “I’ll probably take Masters in Psychology.” I said, “.. and be a Doctor of Psychology.”

At this point in my son’s life, he is lost. His dreams crushed by that fucked up ill-mannered professor.  I remembered his Grandfather telling me, “Hindi pwede magattorney si Alvin. Dapat matapang. Malakas ang sikmura.” My Dad was right all along.

I am just very sad for my son. Angel of God, his guardian dear…please guide and guard him.  Dear God, please show him the way to make him happy again.  Thank you dear Lord.  My son talks to me.  I love him so much more than anything in this world.