I survived Christmas 2016

Christmas 2016

Let me just quote someone's Christmas greeting. Dr. Tinali wrote “Taking a much needed break from all the Christmas preparations and chaos... however tired I am, I feel the joy of the season, as I remember my loved ones near and far, and those who have gone ahead of us. From my family to yours, a very Merry Christmas!! May your celebrations be filled with joy and love. And may the New Year bring you overflowing blessings and prosperity!”  

What follows is how I felt and what I wrote on Instagram… “It was exactly how I was feeling. And that no matter how life treats us, We take extra effort to create a happy place not for ourselves but for those people dear to us.  If it is just to beautify our homes and labour in the kitchen for hours, even days, and make that one day special every year to celebrate our Lord’s birthday, by sharing what little that we have with our family and extended families, make each one feel important, make them forget (for a few hours) their own miseries, by setting aside our own troubles is probably the essence of Christmas.  Showing love by simply ‘showing up’ for that one gathering…  I can always go back to being selfish, grumpy, Grinch-like every day of the year. But on Christmas,  I should be selfless.” 

And may I add … It’s not about giving gifts because I don’t really give nice expensive gifts since I cannot afford them.  Hosting this Christmas dinner is a lot of work, months of decorating, days of cleaning the house, hours of washing dishes and cooking.  Some might not even appreciate this gesture. They might expect gifts or cash in red envelopes. Oh well,  maybe someday they will realize how much work was put into hosting this one Christmas dinner. 

  

                                                   

                                                   

The calm before the storm ... 

Sanders' Christmas Eve Dinner

Chicken 'kamameshi' Rice

and Cayenne Shrimps by me

Chinese Ham and Queso de Bola

Chicken Rolls by Rosalie

Ox tail Karekare, Beef Asado,

Spaghetti Bolognese and Fish Fillet 

by Ate Nene

***

Leche Flan by Ate Nene & Grapes

Pear & Almond Tartlets

Caramel Apple Cake topped with Green Sprinkles

and Crushed Candy Cane by me

Merry Christmas!!!

***

Just the 12 of us... hope to see everyone in 2017!!!

The kids have all grown bigger than the oldies.

At ang lalakas uminom ng Tequila at Henessy.

Kami Mountain Dew lang at Pepsi Max.

***

My three Christmas trees for 2016

********

All is calm again ....  the Sanders' Christmas dinner ended at half past ten.  I was watching TV in bed (like I always do), when the Acapellago started singing Christmas carols. That's cool!!
(I remember watching Alvin at The Manila Peninsula every Christmas when the Ateneo Boys Choir would serenade the hotel guests. What a lovely memory.) The Acapellago were guests of Mr. Boy Abunda in his late night talk show.  I tuned in a bit late and they were discussing Christmas traditions. When I was about to turn off the TV,  The Christmas Eve Healing Eucharistic TV Mass started. Now, how lucky can one get? ... Noche Buena Dinner with Family. Christmas carols, and Christmas Eve Mass.  All in the comfort of my own home, All I have to do is turn off the TV, pull up my blanket and have a good night's rest.
Happy birthday Jesus!  Thank you for my family and for the few good friends who never forget me. I hope to do this again next year, Life is good. All is well. All is calm again ...

********

PS...

I was wondering why I had more than a dozen notifications on my phone. I thought that the 4:45 pm written on the right upper portion on my phone was part of a previous screenshot.  OMG …  ganern? I slept for 18 hours, with one bathroom break at 4am, then for 12 hours straight of dreamless sleep. And ...No… I didn’t take extra pain meds. The HubB  thought I had stopped breathing when he checked up on me at 3 pm.  That’s how exhausted I was. 

Last year,  I remember hosting three parties in eight days. This year, we only had two parties in 7 days.  Aging is fast catching up on me.   It's been six days since our Christmas eve dinner and I haven't fully recharged. Oh dear... I missed watching the MMFF movies.  

Oh well…. 

I survived this Christmas! 

Hope to see you all again next year!!!
love love love love ........ betsisanders

Flowers on Christmas

Title:  Flowers

Size:  16 x 16 inches

Medium:  Acrylic:

Artist: betsisanders 2016

***

Christmas in the Philippines starts on the first day of the -ber months.

  Some say we have the longest Christmas season in the entire world.

  For me, the season starts in August, when I begin to bring out my decors

and start setting up a Christmas tree.  I've been doing this for years  and I make

 sure the tree is up and ready on my mother's birthday in October.  

Hopefully by Christmas eve, I am done decorating trees. 

 This year I have three Christmas trees. .The season extends  even after 

the New Year and ends on Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year 

or my birthday.   That's the time when I dismantle the trees

 and keep the decors in plastic storage boxes. 

Advent means the arrival of a notable person, thing or event.

Advent is the "second coming of Christ".

As we wait for the arrival of our Lord,

some become impatient, some are filled with emotion, 

passion, expectancy and positivity. We wait for Christ 

to fill \us with love. In turn, we share, give, impart and transfer

this love to our family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, 

our community and most of all, with the poor, 

needy, sick and elderly.

We may not be financially or physically capable 

of sharing material things.  What can one do?

  ...... ... I can't even  think of anything noble, worthy, unselfish, 

generous or virtuous to do.

I guess a sincere greeting, with a beautiful 

smile, and a warm hug would suffice.  

This painting of flowers is my simple way 

of  greeting you all on Christmas day.  

May you all be filled with an abundance of

 love from  your family and friends.

love love love love,

betsisanders

"It pours..."

Title:  “It pours…”   Size:  8 x 11 inches    Medium:  Acrylic

“When it rains, it pours!”  What does this really mean?  As I Googled it’s meaning, the first one that came up was … “difficult things always happen at the same time”.    It could also refer to bad things happening  (if not at the same time) at a short period of time, which most often gets worse. 
What is best done in case “it pours”?   I’m not a psychologist, counselor or spiritual adviser and in no position to give guidance.  What I can do is share what I do when I am overwhelmed with sadness.The first thing I do is cry but I only give myself a few minutes  to weep.  I used to cry non-stop but I have learned to control my sobs.  I tell myself that whatever bothers me today won’t matter one year from now.  I’ve learned to do this through years of practice. Then, I pause. I keep very still and start praying.  
People used to tell me to count from 1 to 10 every time I get disappointed or angry.  Counting doesn’t work for me.  I’ve learned to be quiet, not to open my mouth and spew out expletives, which never ever solved my problems, never stopped the tears and most often,  hurting those people closest to me. Create a distraction.   Others would suggest calling a friend. I used to do this a lot.  I would reach for the telephone, call a friend, and another, and another.  Didn’t quite work for me. I ended up repeating my story over and over.  Some friends listened but they soon got tired and weary listening to my complaints, hurts, body aches, generalized muscular and skeletal pain and personal problems.  Only a handful truly cared and helped. What distraction did I do? I would watch television,  read a book or paint. It’s been this way for the past 16 years and so far, these distractions always lightened my mood, lifted my spirit, even alleviated physical pain, as I waited for my pain medications to kick in. 
This acrylic painting is the result. 
May you do what’s most effective to lessen the load you carry when “it pours”.

Winter Spring Summer or Fall

Winter Spring Summer or Fall

Winter is represented by the nude painting, the title of which is

If an old girl is quiet ...

Spring is represented by the bonzai tree with cherry blossoms,

the title of the painting is My Cherry Blossoms

Summer is represented by the nude girl sitting on a sunflower.

the title of the painting is If a girl is quiet...

Fall is represented by those maple leaves, the title of the

painting is  Autumn Leaves .

I kept on saying winter spring summer or fall …  over and over.

Couldn’t remember the song where these lyrics came from.

Hmmm… I gave up and searched Google.

The lyrics came from the song by Carole King.

My Dad gave me a long playing album of Ms. King, Tapestry,

when I was very young.  I memorized all of the

songs in the album and played it all the time.

 We didn’t have  computers or internet

back then and all I did was play records on my Dad’s

stereo or on my portable record player that my mother

got me for Christmas.When not listening to music,  reading

pocketbooks and playing the piano kept me and my

sisters busy. Life was so much simpler back then.

Going back to the song “You’ve Got a Friend”, the song’s theme

 is an expression of a “universal sisterly/brotherly love,

an agape-type love of one human being for another,

regardless of gender”, according to author James D. Perone.

The song had appealed to lonely people needing support

from friends. I also read that James Taylor, who had recently

recovered from depression back then, had evoked emotions

from the lyrics when he heard Carole King perform the song.

Even the music elicits or draws out compassion, caring, concern,

kindness and support for people in need of a friend.

***

“You’ve Got A Friend”

When you’re down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friendIf the sky above you grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
Soon you’ll hear me knocking at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, running, yeah, yeah, to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
And I’ll be there, yes I will.

Now, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend
When people can be so cold?
They’ll hurt you, yes, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them,
Oh, but don’t you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, running, yeah, yeah, yeah, to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend

You’ve got a friend
Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend?
Ain’t it good to know?
Ain’t it good to know?
Ain’t it good to know, you’ve got a friend?

Oh yeah, now
Oh, you’ve got a friend
Yeah, baby
You’ve got a friend
Oh yeah…
You’ve got a friend

***

Have a wonderful weekend dear friends.

Love love love love …. betsisanders

It's our 30th!

It's our 30th!!!

***

August 17, 1986

Archbishop's Palace

***

23 years later ...

2013 at the Grand Canyon

January 2016

 

What's funny B???

 ***

July 2016

***

 

Friendship

Parang unreachable stars lang!!!

 Now that's a good one!

I've got quite a few of these friends, most of them

are from dental school.  I was chatting with a few

in FB and one friend said that the reason why we have

remained friends is because we don't see each other often.

Hahaha

May I add some more reasons?

We don't demand for attention.

We rarely ask favors.

We've maintained a comfortable and safe

 distance from them. We set boundaries.

We tell the truth.  

Lies or fibs destroy relationships.

We don't borrow their hard earned money.

We don't issue rubber checks to them.

We pay them back ... fast.

We don't wait to be sued in court before settling.

We fulfill promises.

We respect each other.

Lastly,  we love ourselves more.

*** 

Yup... I'm a stupid friend. 

***

As I was scrolling through my news feed in FB,

 I came across this article,

 the title of which was what got me quite interested. 

 "According to this sad new study, most of your friends don't really like you as much as you think"

Hmmmm.... title pa lang yan!

Written by Rachel Lewis.

To read the article, please click the link below.

Click this. 

***

What can I say?

Kung ayaw mo sa akin e di ayaw ko din sa iyo!

The feeling is mutual!

GOd paved the way…

JULY 8, 2016BETSISANDERSLEAVE A COMMENTEDIT

There are many holes in my heart for my Marie Angelica, Angelita and Ben. … and no one can totally fill those empty spaces in my heart.  But as the years have gone by, the brain has forgotten their death anniversaries or I have been remiss in checking my calendar.  Who else will remember them except me?  I failed to light a candle or pray during their death anniversaries or bring flowers to their resting place.

Forgiveness… yes I always ask for forgiveness. Someone asked me ,,, what is there to forgive? Small things, mga pagkukulang bilang isang anak, mga bouts of anger and raising my voice.  Our maid accused me of always being on beast mode, even claimed that she took care of my Nanay during her last days.  Just because you cooked and served her meals, doesn’t make you her caregiver! My Dad was Nanay’s personal nursing aid and caregiver. I took charge of medical care, giving medicines, injecting insulin, changing catheters,  checking blood sugar / blood pressure,  consulting with her physicians, purchasing her dialysis meds. and yet I feel that what I’ve done wasn’t enough.  I should have probably laid down on Nanay’s bed  with her, like what my sister did. Instead,  I’d tiptoe through the corridor at night bare-feet, put my ear close to her door and listen to her cry alone during the night. Then I’d walk back to my room and cried harder.

I missed Nanay’s death anniversary last June 28. Been in bed healing my sore muscles, a fibro flare up that lasted for 2 weeks followed by a flu episode, an almost critical condition of pneumonia. Diabetics are prone to bacterial infections and I’ve been a diabetic since 1989.  Still .. there is no excuse to forgetting her death anniversary.  I am the only one left to remember her and I forgot.

I posted this on the day of her death anniversary on Instagram. Perfect quote.  All that is left is Nanay’s name. Someday this too will be forgotten.

Going back … what else is there to ask forgiveness for?  Maybe I am not like you who can easily move forward and forget the sad tough times.  But that’s not me.  Despite the fact that I was her personal nurse and Dad was her nursing aid, I know that I was never the perfect daughter.  I failed to hug her and tell her that I love her. But as a mother, I know that Nanay knew that I love her. Just like how I love Alvin unconditionally. I only wished I could have done more,  been more compassionate and hugged her a lot.  But we are not a hugging kissing family.  We just pat each other’s backs and cry with each other.

A dear friend told me that if I see a sunflower, then it will always remind me of Nanay.  I love love love sunflowers. She added that one day I shall be with Angelita, Marie Angelica and Ben in heaven.

Two weeks in bed because of Fibromyalgia flare ups and Flu made me quite emotional, The pain which I courageously bear become so intense that I cry at night or sleep for 3 hours and then again… go through the cycles of Suffering, Sadness, and Sleeplessness, the 3 components of Chronic Pain Syndrome.

Some suggested Meditation, Gratitude Journal… even Yoga.  Read them, Done them and I am still at square one. There is no cure for fibromyalagia. I’ve tried all treatment modalities. Sometimes, they work. More often, they don’t. I have decreased my meds to Lyrica Tramadol and Zanaflex. Stopped Neurontin Amytriptilline and Cymbalta. and bear the pain during the day.

Life is hard. Pray that I live longer with a better quality of life so I am able to take care of Alvin.  A friend told me that she will take care of Alvin.  Thanks so much Tita Angel. It warmed my heart and allayed my fears and anxiety.  But please don’t find him a girlfriend just yet. To me he is still 12 years old. Hahaha

Mothers shouldn’t bury their children. I lost Marie Angelica 30 years ago and I am not prepared to lose Alvin ever.  Sometimes, I wish You’d give me his illness so I can bring it to my grave.  If I go ahead, please take care of Alvin.

I posted a photo in FB about my sleepless nights.  A niece who seldom comments or likes suddenly wrote a comment and suggested meditation to help me sleep. So I sent her a private message saying that my anxiety is caused by Alvin’s recent tachycardia episode. His med’s dosage  was increased and we only had  a week’s supply left. Now that’s a trigger for panic mode.  Guess what, my niece Joanne, found someone who is coming home from America this weekend. I asked my sister to purchase Sotalol for Alvin since this drug is out of stock in St Luke’s at the moment and is not commercially available in Manila. My ever reliable sister and brother in law got the meds and mailed it to the guy that Joanne and Rayan mentioned. He is arriving this weekend to bring home those lifesaving precious medications.

I do not post problems in fb nor ask help.  But somehow God paved the way through Joanne, to facilitate bringing the much needed drugs for Alvin.  Next time,  I will be direct when asking for help.  I know that I have more compassionate friends, family and relatives that will help because they truly care and love me, my son and HubB.

Thank you so much Joanne, Reyan, your officemate, my sister Nono, Docchito, and  Kim our friendly pharmacist in Roseville for all your help. I can’t thank you all enough.  God will take care of you and I will include you in my prayers.

I love love love you all so much. May your life be filled with happiness and peace.

It wasn't so calm after the storm...

Just another weekend,  just another ordinary Sunday … and it’s August 2016. 

Didn’t I just keep the Christmas decors a couple of months ago? And now I am about to set up the Christmas trees again.  I’ve been doing this for more than a couple of decades. I started when I was eighteen.  {Hahaha … If you know how old I am then you know I’m lying about my age here. Oh well, this blog isn’t about my age so it really doesn’t matter if I deduct a couple more decades.}

Less than a month ago, I was in panic mode and of course you all know why, right? {How presumptive of me.} When someone I love is ill, that’s when I can’t be weak.  It’s during those stressful, troubled times that I am strongest, fiercest and in fight-mode. What some of you do not know about was what happened after the 'storm', when there should have been calm. ...

I came from two reunions with balikbayan friends and surely I didn’t look frail, tired, nor did my eye bags show, not with five layers of BB cream, MAC foundation, loose high definition powder and bronzer, plastered heavily on my cheeks, plus three layers of multi-colored  lipsticks, .  How can you tell right?   I have an invisible illness and so does Alvin. 

***

The pain started right about here … 

  Despite my pain cocktail, there was this

 dagger-like pain that was way too unbearable. 

A few days later. I fell down the front porch. I fell down two steps from the top of the porch. As I stepped down, my right knee folded. {This happens when my muscle relaxants are still in my system.} I used my left upper extremity to break the fall.I kept holding on to the handrail while I fell down two steps from the top of the marble steps. Luckily, I didn't break any bones nor slipped any discs. I just stretched my tendons to the max and was diagnosed with subscapularis tendinitis. Pain level with my current medications was 9.5!

Now add my other ailments (cervical spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, trigger fingers, rotator cuff syndrome, osteoartritis, bursitis, then top it with fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome ... I'd say, I'm still alright... alive... soooo alive!

 

Thought I'd post pictures of how it is to live with 

Chronic Pain and Diabetes for almost 30 years.

***

***

My pain was so unbearable.

I was taking too much NSAIDs and hurting my tummy.

Vomiting all day. Unable to drink or eat for hours.

Pitying myself. Exhausted and too weak to get out of bed.

Crying incessantly. Praying and praying in between sobs.

Hoping to get some sleep. Or for it to end.

Sigh ....

***

I finally had steroid shots on both my shoulders last Wednesday.
........

I scheduled more PT sessions for the coming weeks because the

shots weren't enough. Wish me luck!

***

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

" ... names are the only things dead people keep."

Quoted from a favorite book "Extremely Loud Incredibly Close"

Probably the third time I've read this book

and watched its movie version twice.

Two days ago, I wrote this quotation on a photo 

of a Buddha which I took in Macau.

I was feeling under the weather and when doing

 nothing I post pictures in Instagram.

***

This morning, I looked at my calendar and

saw that it was the end of the month.

Oh dear,  I missed the 16th death anniversary

of my Nanay which was two days ago.

The day I posted the Buddha's photo

with the quotation.

So it's definitely true that once we die, we are gone

forever, never to be remembered again, even by

those who love us dearly.  Probably the mind forgets,

It shields us from constant pain and more grief.

Our loved ones who have gone ahead would have

wanted us to move on, live on and just remember 

the fond memories, and not the day they left

us, which filled us with sorrow, left us empty and

crying all the time.  Always praying and asking

our dead moms or dads to forgive us for all our 

shortcomings and pagkukulang.

For an extremely long time, like almost

 more than a decade, I questioned, fought,

suffered from sleepless nights, asking my

 dead mother for forgiveness.

How will I get her message of forgiveness?

She's gone. She's dead.

One night, while crying my heart out,

I had this epiphany, a divine manifestation

of our Lord, telling me that Nanay has forgiven me.

How?  

Then somehow, I realized that I can never

remain angry at my child for a long time.

Being a mother had taught me that.

My child is far more important than I am.

I'd do everything for him.

Forgive him even without his asking.

I knew my Nanay had forgiven me too.

I'm sure she knows deep in her heart how much

I loved and respected her.

Now that she's gone a long time,

 I have forgotten specific dates

or fail to visit her grave,  I still pray and

remember her everyday, every night and 

every time I pray the rosary before I sleep.

There are just some days when things happen that

overwhelm me, scare me, and I end up overthinking,

losing sleep. Days when flare ups happen and

 I am in bed for days.  Or like these past two weeks that

I have been confined to my bedroom healing my

sore spastic muscles, bearing the pain from gastritis

and GERD, losing much needed sleep from over thinking.

.. and this time, healing myself from this Flu episode.

Being sick is not an excuse to forget Nanay's death

anniversary.  A friend wrote in IG, " Aww, she'll understand."

Yes dear, I know.  I've known for years.

Since I became a mother, I have known that Moms

will never remain angry at her child,

 will always understand and forgive.

May your weekend be fun.

Spent with your loved ones.

No need to say I love you. They know!

***

I may have been quite vocal in FB... but that's just

a small part of me.... What those FB friends do not know

is I am troubled, afraid, and constantly praying for

my son Alvin. He had another tachycardia episode

the other day.  The dosage of his medicines have been

increased.  He still doesn't want to undergo ablation.

Dr Joey says to maximize medical management.

Dr Lingling Uy says ablation is last resort.

Dr Clara said to consider RFA (radio frequency 

ablation) soon.

***

Thanks for reading. Pls continue to pray for my son.

... and for me to live longer so I can take care of him.

If I don't... please take care of Alvin for me.

***

Talk to you guys again soon.

Let's continue to pray for each other.

Love love love.