There are many holes in my heart for my Marie Angelica, Angelita and Ben. … and no one can totally fill those empty spaces in my heart. But as the years have gone by, the brain has forgotten their death anniversaries or I have been remiss in checking my calendar. Who else will remember them except me? I failed to light a candle or pray during their death anniversaries or bring flowers to their resting place.
Forgiveness… yes I always ask for forgiveness. Someone asked me ,,, what is there to forgive? Small things, mga pagkukulang bilang isang anak, mga bouts of anger and raising my voice. Our maid accused me of always being on beast mode, even claimed that she took care of my Nanay during her last days. Just because you cooked and served her meals, doesn’t make you her caregiver! My Dad was Nanay’s personal nursing aid and caregiver. I took charge of medical care, giving medicines, injecting insulin, changing catheters, checking blood sugar / blood pressure, consulting with her physicians, purchasing her dialysis meds. and yet I feel that what I’ve done wasn’t enough. I should have probably laid down on Nanay’s bed with her, like what my sister did. Instead, I’d tiptoe through the corridor at night bare-feet, put my ear close to her door and listen to her cry alone during the night. Then I’d walk back to my room and cried harder.
I missed Nanay’s death anniversary last June 28. Been in bed healing my sore muscles, a fibro flare up that lasted for 2 weeks followed by a flu episode, an almost critical condition of pneumonia. Diabetics are prone to bacterial infections and I’ve been a diabetic since 1989. Still .. there is no excuse to forgetting her death anniversary. I am the only one left to remember her and I forgot.
I posted this on the day of her death anniversary on Instagram. Perfect quote. All that is left is Nanay’s name. Someday this too will be forgotten.
Going back … what else is there to ask forgiveness for? Maybe I am not like you who can easily move forward and forget the sad tough times. But that’s not me. Despite the fact that I was her personal nurse and Dad was her nursing aid, I know that I was never the perfect daughter. I failed to hug her and tell her that I love her. But as a mother, I know that Nanay knew that I love her. Just like how I love Alvin unconditionally. I only wished I could have done more, been more compassionate and hugged her a lot. But we are not a hugging kissing family. We just pat each other’s backs and cry with each other.
A dear friend told me that if I see a sunflower, then it will always remind me of Nanay. I love love love sunflowers. She added that one day I shall be with Angelita, Marie Angelica and Ben in heaven.
Two weeks in bed because of Fibromyalgia flare ups and Flu made me quite emotional, The pain which I courageously bear become so intense that I cry at night or sleep for 3 hours and then again… go through the cycles of Suffering, Sadness, and Sleeplessness, the 3 components of Chronic Pain Syndrome.
Some suggested Meditation, Gratitude Journal… even Yoga. Read them, Done them and I am still at square one. There is no cure for fibromyalagia. I’ve tried all treatment modalities. Sometimes, they work. More often, they don’t. I have decreased my meds to Lyrica Tramadol and Zanaflex. Stopped Neurontin Amytriptilline and Cymbalta. and bear the pain during the day.
Life is hard. Pray that I live longer with a better quality of life so I am able to take care of Alvin. A friend told me that she will take care of Alvin. Thanks so much Tita Angel. It warmed my heart and allayed my fears and anxiety. But please don’t find him a girlfriend just yet. To me he is still 12 years old. Hahaha
Mothers shouldn’t bury their children. I lost Marie Angelica 30 years ago and I am not prepared to lose Alvin ever. Sometimes, I wish You’d give me his illness so I can bring it to my grave. If I go ahead, please take care of Alvin.
I posted a photo in FB about my sleepless nights. A niece who seldom comments or likes suddenly wrote a comment and suggested meditation to help me sleep. So I sent her a private message saying that my anxiety is caused by Alvin’s recent tachycardia episode. His med’s dosage was increased and we only had a week’s supply left. Now that’s a trigger for panic mode. Guess what, my niece Joanne, found someone who is coming home from America this weekend. I asked my sister to purchase Sotalol for Alvin since this drug is out of stock in St Luke’s at the moment and is not commercially available in Manila. My ever reliable sister and brother in law got the meds and mailed it to the guy that Joanne and Rayan mentioned. He is arriving this weekend to bring home those lifesaving precious medications.
I do not post problems in fb nor ask help. But somehow God paved the way through Joanne, to facilitate bringing the much needed drugs for Alvin. Next time, I will be direct when asking for help. I know that I have more compassionate friends, family and relatives that will help because they truly care and love me, my son and HubB.
Thank you so much Joanne, Reyan, your officemate, my sister Nono, Docchito, and Kim our friendly pharmacist in Roseville for all your help. I can’t thank you all enough. God will take care of you and I will include you in my prayers.
I love love love you all so much. May your life be filled with happiness and peace.
