The Blue Ballerina

Artist : betsisanders 09
Title: The Blue Ballerina
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting is my version of the original (painted by a Foot & Mouth Painter). The original ballerina wore a white tutu. In my version she wears a 'powder blue' tutu.

The little lady is shown tying the laces of her ballet shoes. While at it, she is probably feeling very anxious, nervous , excited about her performance. By slowly tying her shoe lace, she is indeed having a quiet time, alone, separate from the other girls , who may be as anxious and more nervous than she is. These few minutes are pr0bably spent on reviewing her steps , silently praying that she doesn't make a mistake, or probably, thanking God for the opportunity to express herself thru dance, make an identity for herself, show others what she is capable of, reveal an important part of herself, the balerina, the dancer, the performer, the artist.

During my early years in life, I have always wanted to take ballet lessons. My two younger, slim sisters were taking ballet lessons, But since i was on the heavy side, chubby, fat :) Nanay didn't think I would fit in any leothards or tights, that's why she didn't let me take ballet lessons.

After my back surgery in 1987, I underwent physical therapy, almost daily, for many many years. My physical therapist would comment that I have very flexible joints and that if I had taken ballet lessons when young, it could have corrected some if not all the back and spine problems that I have today.

I suffer from degenerative disc disease, cervical spondylosis, lumbar spinal spondylosis and spondylolistheses, rotator cuff syndrome, myofascial pain syndrome, chronic pain syndrome, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel syndrome, hypertension and diabetes mellitus. I have to take medications to regulate my blood sugar, blood pressure, bowel movement, treat gastric problems and alleviate pain. Doctors advised me to take insulin, but until now, I still refuse to do so, hoping that oral hypoglycemic medications can regulate blood sugar levels. I am undergoing pain management, so I can function like a normal individual during the day, be productive , pain-free , to be able to do household chores, cook and bake for my husband and son, to be an ideal wife and mother, to make delicious pasta dishes , cupcakes, tarts for our food business, to work and finish my last orthodontic cases, and lastly, to escape the melancholia that comes with these illnesses.

Tramadol, Celebrex, Neurontin, Lyrica, Stillnox, Rivotril, Benadryl, Advil, Tylenol, Flanax, etc etc etc.... are my constant companions. I am never without any of them. They make me feel normal, pain - free, and functional, so, I can be a good wife, a loving mother, a caring friend, a better dentist. Without them, I will be in anguish and all I can do is lie down on the bed and cry. One does not have to tell the entire world of one's pain or suffering all the time. People get tired of listening to my old stories... so i have dropped the pathetic sad stories of my life. I go on with life, with one major goal,,, and that is to pursue happiness.

Live, love and be happy.... betsisanders 09

Memories ... naked truth

Artist: betsisanders 09
Title: Memories ... Naked Truth
Medium: Watercolor
Size: 6 x 8 inches

While watching a local television show, they featured people who had 'collections', one had a collection of vintage electric guitars, another one had memorabilia of rock stars, one lady had a room full of expensive designer bags, Birkin's, Kelly's,LV's etc. Then I thought, what if there suddenly is an earthquake with a magnitude of 7.9, or some flash flooding happens? Their collections will be buried in rubble or soaked in mud. What then?

When is it enough? When is it too much? When is it a need, a want, a whim, an obsession or an illness? After the tenth Hermes bag, what more can satisfy your need or is it greed? After that Porsche, that Bentley or that Harley, what more do you want to acquire?

Collect memories, friends, graces and not material things. Acquire things that need not be carried, like movie tickets, or tickets to the ball game. Purchase season passes to the ballet or watch plays at the theatre. Indulge in fine dining or simple fast food finds. Travel with family and friends and have a good time.Spend your time creating and not buying useless things that clutter your life. You might think that the designer bag you bought using your credit card is the best, but no dear, someone else has a bigger bag, a more expensive bag, an original and not a 'knock-off'. Have coffee with your best friend or have fast lunches with your travel buddies. Dance the night away while watching your favorite band play non-stop dance music. Swing to the beat of "I love the nightlife". Remember the time that your friend dedicated a song number for you. Reminisce the good times, the dates with your husband. Think back on all the wonderful things your husband has done for you. Never forget how he has kept his cool while you recklessly insulted , shouted, even kicked him out of your frustration and anger. Bear in mind the kindness and care he has given you for almost 25 years . Recall your son's first steps, first words, first everything......Store all these memories in your memory bank. When feeling down, log on to these thoughts, these wonderful fond memories of happy times. Relive them in your thoughts.

"Memory is amazing. Our memories shape us, they serve as a backdrop for our daily lives, context for our actions, a rationale for our sometimes dubious decisions. Who we are today is extrinsically woven through with memories of who we were yesterday and the days before that, where we highlight episodes from our past, spotlighting our first loves, latest disappointments or hates. They are all woven in the threads of our tapestry ,called life. Pull one thread and watch how the whole thing unravels. Who did what to whom, what foods we've developed a taste for, what skills we have mastered or failed at, what movies we enjoyed, what music we've danced to, what movie star we admire, or what politicians we hate. If we can't remember such seemingly ordinary details, well, then, who are we?"

"It's our memories that define us. Without them, we don't have an identity. We have nothing. Those pathetic old creatures who have outlived their memories and now sit screaming in lonely hospital corridors, scream not with the pain of their deteriorating organs, but rather with the agony of no longer knowing who they are, their ears searching for the familiar voice, their eyes staring blankly not recognizing their old faces or reflections. They live for nothing."

My mother used to cry all the time, she screamed all night, for several months, while she lay down on her bed, unable to move her body, unable to feed herself, unable to sit or stand without the aid of a caregiver. Many nights, she begged me to end it for her. :( I never talked about her illness. I never mentioned to her how serious her condition was.... because I didn't want to rob her of hope. But I knew that she knew her time was short and will soon be over.

So when the time comes that my memory will fail me, or my body has stopped working for me... Please help me out of this painful, dreadful, pitiful situation. When my mind has forsaken me, and fond memories have gone, I, too have gone away. All that will be left is the naked, bare body. Just like a child, born naked, one dies naked, bare... that's the naked truth.

June 14, 2009 / 2 AM........ betsisanders

reflections

Title: Reflections
Acrylic Painting by betsisanders
Size: 20 x 24 inches

Reflections are images produced when light is reflected, as seen on the water in this painting.
Reflection also means throwing back by a surface of sound, light, heat. Reflection may also mean serious thought or contemplation, expressed in words.

Painting and writing requires serious thoughts and contemplation. These are my ways of coping and dealing with life, that, at one point has become difficult, sad, full of suffering, pain, fear and anger. In this journey called life, I found meaning and happiness in these solitary activities, where I am not judged, where I am free to express my innermost feelings, where emotions are released, where pain and anger disappear,( if only for a moment), where I create simple art... where I can inspire others through my writing,, so that they too may find real happiness.

Pine trees are also my favorite subjects when painting landscapes. Christmas is never complete without these trees. The origin of the Christmas tree is accredited to Saint Boniface. When the Oak of Thor was chopped down by Boniface , in a stage-managed confrontation with the old gods and local heathen tribes, a fir tree grew in the roots of the Oak, which Boniface claimed as a new symbol. "This humble tree's wood is used to build your homes, let Christ be the center of your households. Its leaves remain evergreen in the darkest days, let Christ be your constant light. Its boughs reach out to embrace and its top points to heaven, let Christ be your comfort and guide."

This painting is a reflection of my present state... happiness is in me.
Betsisanders' prayer --- Lord, may my life be a reflection of Your love, in whatever I say or do, I offer you my creations, because they can only come from You.

WOMAN a reflection of my soul

Title: WOMAN, a reflection of my soul
Medium: Oil on Canvas
Size: 8 x 11 inches

WOMAN ... one who has lived and loved. Someone who is in a transition, from being an adult to becoming an elderly person. Someone who has reinvented and created a better version of herself.

The painting draws out all sorts of emotions. Emotion in itself is not unhappiness. Emotion plus an unhappy story is unhappiness. I have dropped the story of my life and have changed my story.

Everyday, I say, I'm happy, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm pain-free, I'm lovable and I'm loved. I spend my time with people who are generous, not with material things, but generous with praise and appreciation.

The WOMAN is calm, quiet, mysterious, deep in thoughts. Pleasure is expressed in this painting. She may even be lustful. She must also be having so much fun and laughing in her heart. She is grateful for all the blessings that come her way, has lived a comfortable life, never needing nor wanting anything material because material things never made her happy. This woman is loved by a handsome, loving, caring and wonderful man. She is respected and loved by her son, who is her inspiration and motivation to live longer, to love more and whom she lives for. The woman has friends and family who love her back, who make her feel needed, wanted and appreciated. That woman is me... betsisanders.

Lady in Red, Naked

Title: Lady in Red, Naked
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting is just one of the three versions of the Lady in Red. I have given them to two of my dearest friends, Cynthia and Debra. These two lovely ladies are very generous... with praise and admiration.

The Lady in Red... represents life, from birth until death. We are all born naked. But as we go through life, we cover up, we hide, not just our naked bodies, but our naked self. We learn to mask our feelings. We learn how to behave or act in proper decorum, even when deep inside ourselves, we want to break free, be wild, carefree, devoid of shame or fear. We try to do what others expect us to do. We put on the "red towel" to protect us. Or we use it as a shield or a wall to keep us safe from those who want to harm us, ridicule us, hurt us, or rob us of our joy.

This Lady in Red is now at a certain point in her adult life, where she begins to dismantle the walls she has created in her 50 years of life. She wants to break free from the dictates of others. She wants space and sometimes, wishes to be left alone. She is comfortable with simply being. She has found solace, an easing of grief, loneliness or discomfort. Solace is the comfort that you feel when consoled in times of disappointment. She has provided moral and emotional support to many people in her life, solace for others.

She has lived a full life, is quite content and peaceful. However, she is nearing a point in her life, that is inevitable, certain. Aging started when she survived her first fall and that death will come with the second fall.

When I reach the point when I am in nothing but pain, I hope that you, my dear family and friends, will end it for me. Nobody wants pain. We all want a quiet death, dying in one's sleep, in the comfort of your own bed, when one is very very old. But death comes when you least expect it. I have this fear of what lies ahead, of being out of control or having no control of my self. If you love me, you will help me out of the misery. The naked lady in red will soon reach the end of her life. She has no regrets or unresolved issues anymore. She is ready, to be naked again, in death.

The Sunflower Lady

Title: The Sunflower Lady
Medium: Watercolor on Paper
Size: 8 x 11 inches

This painting was exhibited last March 2009 and it was sold on opening night. I have made 4 other versions of The Sunflower Lady and have given them to special people in my life. Those wonderful individuals who appreciate what I do. Those great friends who value my friendship and have chosen to accept and love me unconditionally.

The lady in this painting is carefree, fun loving, always having a great time, love to party, love to dance, is never afraid to expose her real self, is confident with herself, and has a great future ahead of her. The lady is me... should I say , was me, during my younger years, where i was daring, strong, ambitious, and having fun all the time, partying, dancing, drinking, .... did everything my mother told me not to do. This was me, many years ago. All that is left now are the fond memories of party time, dancing at Coco Banana until dawn, drinking scotch on the rocks in high ball glasses, smoking, ... just simply having FUN. I thought this was the kind of life that I would enjoy forever.

The other day, I went with my old 'drinking buddies' and Coco Banana party crowd to watch 8 Track Band at Strumm's, Makati. It was just like the good old days. Non-stop party music. Couples dancing the swing, my favorite! Girls jumping around, having a great great time. I had a good time too, by simply watching all of them have fun. I simply enjoyed the music, dance music from the late 70's to early 90's. I was surprised to feel good despite the fact that I didn't drink a drop of alcohol nor did I go to the dance floor. I watched my friend while he played the keyboard. He smiled and I waved.
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But the parties had to end. I thought that having fun gave meaning to my life and that kind of fun equaled happiness. --- I used to come home tired, tipsy, sometimes drunk, during my younger days. I wanted more of the fun, but it had to end. I was back in my room with only me and alone.

But the other night, coming home from Strumm's... I came home smiling, relaxed and felt good. I actually had a good time, and going home, being alone or simply 'being' ...was good, was enough, or more than enough.

Realized that happiness is never found outside the self, never found in other people, never found in parties.... happiness is in me, has always been inside me, I just had to choose happiness, and by being still and simple, I have found what I have always searched for in my life.

Live, love and be happy.... by betsisanders

Bridge Over Calm Water (Oil Painting by betsisanders)

Calm, quiet, peaceful, relaxed, in perfect harmony with life, full of love .... complete bliss, joyful and happy. This is how I would describe this painting. This is me, or what I want to achieve in my life. Through painting and writing, I achieve this state of tranquility... where I am not judged, where I can be me, where I am most happy.

That is what I want you to see through my paintings and my writings. Everyone sees only what I want them to see. What isn't written or painted are some things that you will never see.... my frustrations, my heartaches, my pain. All these I can hide. I am the only one who sees this part of me. You'll never know the thoughts, such monstrous thoughts, that sometimes invade the peace and the calm. But what is important is that you see what God sees in me, and I portray them in my simple works of art.

Only a person who is totally happy with one's self, quite comfortable with herself, and completely content with life can enjoy solitary activities. I do not long for the constant noise or boisterousness of some people, or the amusement, recreation, or social entertainment from a gathering of people. I do not need the admirations, praises, compliments, fame, expressions of approval, glory or applause.

I just need to 'be'... true, honest, sincere, respectable, trustworthy, to others and to God, who sees the real me. "I am all that I am because Someone loves me!".

Sometimes, I do enjoy being with the company of fun, smart, loving, caring, grateful friends. But I have detached myself from those who do not love me back. :( I can love and still choose to separate from people, if our behavior is repeatedly damaging to myself or to them. I have found new people in my life who are more deserving of my love. Found new friends to share my short life with. Turned my back on those who hurt me.

I am at an age where I am more comfortable with being alone, where I shift from being an adult into becoming an elderly person. Old age has begun. Old age begins with a minor fall that one survives... and death comes with the second fall. Being with other old people, colleagues from college, friends from high school, classmates in grade school.... one does not feel very old when around these same old people. I suddenly realize that I am not young anymore, and that half a century has passed.

What have I done? What have I become? What have I done for others? What have others learned from me? I can only say that I shared and gave until it hurt. I still do. I just have to accept that whatever good deed I have done for one person, may not be returned to me by that same person. I have been very fortunate, lucky and very well provided for. That must be the way I am rewarded.

Never expect people to love you the way you want to be loved. Suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine to be loved. I always say, love those who love you back... but if they don't, just try again and maybe next time, they will love you back.

Live, love and always be happy. (betsisanders 09)