What to do when I start thinking why I am thinking what I am thinking

What to do when I start thinking
why I am thinking 
what I am thinking...

I start by sitting in front of my desk, turn on the PC, stare at the blank Word Document for several minutes, open my tiny notebook, copy and type the few words I wrote last night before I fell asleep, then, the long process of writing begins.

Writing has been an effective way for me to organize my thoughts and feelings. It has proven to be an effective way to express myself, dig deep into the recesses of my troubled mind, and releases all the hurts that I carry. Writing helps me solve problems by being objective and clarifying information. Writing also generates ideas. Writing is hours of silence and contemplative thought. But writing can also be dangerous. It stimulates more thinking making it more difficult to fall asleep.  The other danger is libel, be threatened by selfish narcissists.

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I remember writing about Contemplative Prayer  on June 29, 2010.

“Contemplative prayer was first done by monks in the 3rd century, who lived in isolation in desert mountains. St. Anthony of the Desert, a revered Egyptian monk, lived like a hermit, he moved away from society and lived in the desert, in 270 A.D. Many others followed his lifestyle and became hermits. Eighty years later, the first monastery was built and brought the hermits together under one roof. They lived 'monastic' lives in a congregation, instead of each one living alone in the desert.

Our Catholic practice of saying the rosary, when we contemplate on the mysteries of the rosary and repetitively say the prayers, the Our Father, Hail Mary & Glory Be, then visualize these mysteries, is contemplative prayer.

Christian meditation is another popular method of contemplative prayer, where a strong emphasis is placed on interior silence. The purpose is to clear the mind of rational thought, in order to focus on the indwelling of presence. Christians would sit comfortably, close their eyes, relax, be quiet and try to be in love and faith with God. They would then choose a sacred word like Jesus, God, Abba, Spirit, or love etc... Then they let the word be gently present as their symbol of pure intention to be in the Lord's presence, thus, they open themselves to the divine action within them. Whenever they become aware of anything (thoughts, feelings, perceptions, images, etc) , they simply return to their sacred word, their anchor.”

Writing and painting give me hours of silence and peace. How are they different?  In painting, there is just one thought, that is, how to blend the colors and come up with a pretty painting. In writing, there are many thoughts.  Both activities seem to lighten the emotional load I carry. They stop my mind from thinking why I am thinking what I am thinking about. In both activities, I come up with  products, a painting and the written word. That's what I do and aren't the things that one does that are important?  How one lives is what matters?

Others would say, why not go to church Betsi?  Why not just pray?  Oh… I do pray my rosaries and novenas. They say that praying is talking to God and when I do, I end up crying. Just like when I went to the Adoration Chapel. The minute I walked inside, the tears just kept on pouring.  From what I’ve read and I quote “Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is listening to God.”

There are many forms of meditation and I have written about that too. Writing and painting are also forms of meditation.  But the most effective of all is mindful awareness and I wrote about that too. I just have to remind myself again and again.

“Mindful awareness... a form of meditation that can free one from intrusive thoughts. It helps stop a blue mood from becoming a full blown depression. The idea is to identify a destructive thought pattern then simply label it, watch it and let it pass by whenever it happens in your mind. Follow the thought, then it will eventually disappear. Or, one can just free the mind from any thought, no thoughts, and feel the Presence, the Being. This too can be some form of contemplative prayer.

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What I do is none of anyone's busyness ...

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Thanks to those who share Betty Boop pictures on the internet.

I love you guys!

/ betsisanders 2013

If I had known what I know now...

Iyanla wrote:  If you trust yourself enough to know you can feel bad and recover, you will do just that. If you remember to laugh in the bad times knowing that some good must come out of them, you will see the good. You must remember that you have the strength, courage, power, and divine right to change the course of your life to any direction you choose.

It's good to know that I can feel bad, I can sulk all I want for how long I want and I can do just that! Who says that someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse?   So does that mean I can't  be happy because other people  have it better?  I will cry whenever I need to. I will paint and write, read and pray, because it is really none of anyone's busyness but mine.  I can and will come out stronger and happier because I choose to be.  My happiness does not depend on anyone, anybody. In fact, a few selfish narcissists who took advantage of my kindness and used friendship for material gain have caused many sleepless nights. They even have the nerve to call me names and twist facts to maintain their pretty perfect image by painting a dark picture of me. ... There I go again, and again. Someday, I will be vindicated. 

***

What do you do?  What have you become?

What do I do?  Someday people will know who's 

telling the truth and who twisted the facts. 

They don't need to understand.

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Why do I write or paint?

Because one day I am going to die.

If we both die today, what do we leave behind?

I will leave my paintings and my blogs. 

What about you? What will you leave your child?

***

Good night. 

I hope to have a good sleep again tonight.

I slept 10 hours last night. What about you?

No wonder you only sleep for a couple of hours.

If I had only known what I know now.

/ betsisanders 2013

Art Wednesday & Friends at Walls Gallery, Triumph Building, Quezon Ave., QC

Mr. Fernando B. Sena and betsisanders

at Walls Gallery, October 5, 2013

"Art Wednesday & Friends - Group Art Exhibition"

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The following paintings are on the first floor of the gallery.

Tagaisla by Ms. Remy Boquiren  

Untitled by Ms. Lydia Velasco

Mother & Child, Jun Tuplano & Ronald Par

Pizza by Wanda Totanes

Grooming by Atty. Miriam Daway

 Robusta Coffee Beans by Vic Bachoco

Nude by Jeminah Vergara

9 Kois by Mario Panis

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The paintings on the second floor.

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betsisanders' Parrot

The smallest painting in this exhibit, 10x8 inches.

Thanks to my art teacher!

Congratulations Sir!!!

I'll come back next week and take a photo of your work.

***

Just had to crop this photo. 

The paintings at the back are my favorites.

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The next painting is not part of the group exhibit.

It belongs to the collection of the gallery.

 I wish I could paint these ballerinas.

Dreams do come true.

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/ betsisanders 2013

Self Worth... at midnight

Work, by definition, is an activity that involves mental or

physical effort which is done to achieve a purpose or a result.

Work has always been related to making a living, like 

having a job, occupation, employment or business.

Work also means a task undertaken by a person.

Work is something done or made, as a result of a one's actions.

Work is a lot of things, but most importantly,

........  it is about self worth.

There are twenty four hours in a day.  About an eighth of

each day is spent grooming ourselves. Another eighth is spent 

nourishing our bodies. Three eighths is spent at the office or

in school, or doing chores at home. Another two eights is spent sleeping.

We are left with just one eighth, that is three hours.

Most people spend these three hours exercising, talking on the phone,

playing games or wasting time in Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

Then soon realize that another day is over, and ask,

"What have I done today that is important?"

This is how my ordinary day is spent:

3/24  grooming activities

3/24 nourishing the body

3/24 cooking, baking, cleaning

9/24  lying on the bed, not necessarily sleeping

6/24 reading, writing, painting, blogging

or watching DVD.

....  and these last six hours start from 10 pm until 4 am.

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Nothing, no one,  disturbs my peace at midnight.  

No phone calls to answer, no text messages to reply to,

no TV shows to watch, all chores done,

Hubby and Son safe and sound asleep. 

It's at midnight that I am totally at peace.

***

But there are days when I find myself in my bed,

with the curtains drawn, only the soft hum of the

air conditioning is heard and the meaningless chatter of  

noontime TV hosts disturb the deafening silence. 

I patiently wait for the end of the day, for midnight to come.

Only then am I able to be completely at peace,

where I read, write, paint or blog. 

Only then do I feel my worth, my self worth.

It is in solitude that I am productive, peaceful, 

important and completely happy.

My life is not measured by great achievements, but of 

several small things that give meaning to my life. 

Small acts of kindness, happy thoughts,

memorable moments spent with the two 

wonderful boys in my life, and a tranquil peaceful

state of mind that make my life significant.

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It's probably taking my brain a little longer to process

complete forgiveness, but I am getting there

and hopefully get even.

I just have to remind myself that I am important and loved.

 Self worth... a great reminder about self worth is that

I always have it and no one can take it away from me.

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/ betsisanders 2013