In 2013, I shall forgive myself for ...

2013

"canvases and new Christmas decors to keep"



Exactly around this time last year, I blogged about "thoughts, quotes ....blank canvases and christmas decors to keep", [with a photo of two big blank museum wrapped canvases and some Christmas decors lying around the massage bed.] [It has been 365 days since and the bigger canvas is still blank,  untouched. I've done a bit of painting on the smaller canvas, but still need to finish the painting. Scattered on the floor beside the canvases are new Christmas decors that need to be kept and stored for next season. I bought  these decors yesterday morning. I  woke up at 7 am,  slept only for a couple of hours, so I could be at the mall as soon as it opened. Decors were on sale at  50% off. 

Now for the serious part of this blog, the first for 2013. The topic of which is something  I often think of and write about. It is what's needed to attain peace within.   It is my favorite topic, (second to death) ... forgiveness. It isn't about forgiving others, but about forgiving myself.

I shall forgive myself for not losing weight. I actually gained  eight pounds since May. The jeans that I bought at H&M.  which fit me perfectly are now too tight. I promise to stick to my new diet, try to only consume 800 calories or less,  and take the HCG drops regularly.

I shall forgive myself for being too blunt and  straightforward, to the point of being obnoxious to an old friend. I shall forgive myself for sending her those messages. We have this financial problem between us that threatens our friendship.

I shall forgive myself for turning my back, walking away, closing doors and keeping those doors locked. I forgive myself for falling out of love. Love, like happiness, is a choice. I choose who to love and can always choose to stop loving. If a relationship feels heavy, or if remaining to be with someone is a huge effort, then, I might as well be alone, or only with those who love me back, love me more and love me most.

I shall forgive myself for not sending Christmas cards through snail mail. First of all, it is costly and time consuming. For years, I sent friends, classmates, neighbors, my parents' friends greeting cards, even gifts. But only a handful have acknowledged receipt of these holiday cards. I am quite sure they received the cards, because undelivered snail mail always goes back to the sender and I always write a return address, even a phone number. Last month, I sent e cards and only six people emailed back and thanked me for remembering them on Christmas. I sent gifts but some did not even  send a text to acknowledge receipt of my gift. Guess what? My cyber and Facebook friends have more decency, are more polite, than some of my "real" friends. They wrote on my timeline and greeted me on Christmas day. They "liked" my greeting, which means that they have read my e card, are thankful and wish me well too.

I shall forgive myself for not wanting to be friends with, not wanting to communicate with, not having to do anything with .... Just because we grew up together, or our parents are  friends, does not in any way bind me to them. I am the main character in my life and I will choose who stays in it and who will not be in my future. Everything has an expiration, even relationships. 

I shall forgive myself for  getting upset,  furious,  mad, fiercely angry at her, who, for the longest time,  considered me  as a "stressor",  her "bully" ( her term not mine ), in competition with her. I shall forgive her too, for telling friends and relatives lies about me, for accusing me of influencing people to not "communicate" with her. Hey little girl, grow up! People make up their own mind. If they choose not to be nice or "civil" with you, it is their choice, and no amount of convincing, pressure or "influence" will make them do  or not do things! Stop that narcissistic rage!..... O well... The best way to get even with a narcissist is to leave her alone with her rage.

I shall forgive myself for  being in a bad mood. It must be menopause. It is menopause. I am so lucky to have a Hubby, a Son, bff's and travel buddies. who are patient, who understand me and allow me to stay in bed longer than necessary. They embrace my silence or my fury whenever my moods become a roller coaster ride.

I shall forgive myself  for sleepless nights, painful and crying episodes. That is how it is, and it is during these times when I am able to read, paint, write and pray. At two in the morning, what else can I do?

As I took a photo of the canvases and the new Christmas decors, I smiled and wished to live another year; to put up my Christmas tree in September; to cook Chinese Ham  and eat Queso de Bola in December; to look forward to having luncheon dates and travel  with the buddies; to watch movies with Hubby and Son; to try new restaurants and blog about them; to exercise so I can walk and be pain free; to finish my painting; to hold another exhibit; to trust Him and love His Mother more. 

*******

Now I've got to keep the decors and fix this room, so I can start painting. 

It's the middle of January 2013, two weeks have gone by 

and still more to do.

/ betsisanders 2013

********

http://betsisanders.blogspot.com/2012/01/twelve-hours-of-sleep-on-thoughts-blank.html

This is the link to last year's blog.

2012

 " blank canvases & old  Christmas decors to keep"





Say it with flowers ...

Title: Say it with flowers
Medium: Acrylic
Size: 3 ft x 3 ft
Artist: betsisanders 2011

What follows is a poem by Fernando Pessoa. [Pessoa was a Portuguese poet, writer, literary critic and translator described as one of the most significant literary figures of the 20th century and one of the greatest poets in the Portuguese language. (June 13, 1888 - November 30, 1935)

A Poem by Fernando Pessoa

Listen, Daisy, When I die, although You may not feel a thing,
you must tell all my friends in London how much my loss makes you suffer.
Then go to York, where you claim you were born (But I don't believe a thing you claim),
To tell that poor boy who gave me so many hours of joy
(but of course you don't know about that) that I'm dead.
Even he, whom I thought I sincerely loved, won't care. . .
Then go and break the news to that strange girl Cecily,
Who believed that one day I'd be great. . .
To hell with life and everyone in it!

>>>>>>>>

I found the ending of the poem quite funny. The poem has nothing to do with this blog. I just thought I'd quote it. ... and let you analyze it, or perhaps, not analyze it at all. Just laugh at it like I did.

>>>>>>>>


Forgiveness .....

I have experienced pain from a relationship with a friend from high school. The memory of the pain sits deep and gnaws inside me. I do not forgive because I feel that if I do, I am setting her free or I am forgetting the wrong that has been done. She has to pay for the hurt, the damage, the anguish that she has caused me. She betrayed my trust and disrespected me.

This evening, after I watched a movie with my boys, Alvin and I were walking leisurely at the mall, while I savored the frozen yogurt... I chanced upon the husband and daughter of my 'frenemy'. She is back in the country. My smile quickly turned into a frown; I found myself walking fast and walking away; my tranquil heart started to beat faster; there was turbulence deep inside my chest. Adrenaline and norepinephrine surged. It was either a fight or a flight. I chose to flee and run away.

I kept on repeating these words in my mind. "If you don't like something, change it, If you can't change it, change your attitude." This was posted in one of my friends status updates and I memorized it. It has been six hours since, and I am still saying these words in my head.

I was very upset. I wanted to paint, but it was past midnight. So, I opted to read instead... to keep myself busy, to distract my mind, to try and be calm. I read Marianne Williamson's Facebook status. She wrote and I quote, " Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. This isn't theory, it's an unalterable fact, a law of the universe. So don't worry if you can't see the result of your forgiveness just yet; know that any mental breakthrough from fear to love generates a cosmic engine of miraculous breakthrough as sure as the sun's rising or setting. That faith on your part, your knowledge of spiritual law, will be a force magnifier that brings the miracle into manifestation more powerfully and quickly." This is from ACIM , A Course in Miracles. .... I posted it on my 'wall'., turned off the computer, prayed the rosary and forced myself to sleep.

Sure... forgive... I still battle with forgiveness.

.... I still hold on to anger. This anger that takes away my joy, my happiness... disturbs the calm that I have worked for and achieved.

I need to forgive and forgive fast...NOW!

Jesus, please help me.

>>>>>>>>

I have this tiny white teddy bear angel with a small halo on its head, with its front paws together and rear paws bended, and when you press on one of its paws, it would start saying its evening prayers.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. "

>>>>>>>>
The poem, the blog, not even the teddy bear angel, have anything to do with the painting. It's just one of those days when some things do not make sense. Remember the sermon of the flower? keep it in mind, it helps.

Goodnight everyone =]=]=]