2013
"canvases and new Christmas decors to keep"
Exactly around this time last year, I blogged about "thoughts, quotes ....blank canvases and christmas decors to keep", [with a photo of two big blank museum wrapped canvases and some Christmas decors lying around the massage bed.] [It has been 365 days since and the bigger canvas is
still blank, untouched. I've done a bit of painting on the smaller
canvas, but still need to finish the painting. Scattered on the floor beside the
canvases are new Christmas decors that need to be kept and stored for next season. I bought these decors yesterday morning. I woke up at 7 am,
slept only for a couple of hours, so I could be at the mall as soon as it opened.
Decors were on sale at 50% off.
Now for the serious part of this blog, the first for 2013. The topic of which is something I often think of and write about. It is what's needed to attain peace within. It is my favorite topic, (second to death) ... forgiveness. It isn't about forgiving others, but about forgiving myself.
I shall forgive myself for not losing weight. I actually gained eight pounds since May. The jeans that I bought at H&M. which fit me perfectly are now too tight. I promise to stick to my new diet, try to only consume 800 calories or less, and take the HCG drops regularly.
I shall forgive myself for being too blunt and straightforward, to the point of being obnoxious to an old friend. I shall forgive myself for sending her those messages. We have this financial problem between us that threatens our friendship.
I shall forgive myself for turning my back, walking away, closing doors and keeping those doors locked. I forgive myself for falling out of love. Love, like happiness, is a choice. I choose who to love and can always choose to stop loving. If a relationship feels heavy, or if remaining to be with someone is a huge effort, then, I might as well be alone, or only with those who love me back, love me more and love me most.
I shall forgive myself for not sending Christmas cards through snail mail. First of all, it is costly and time consuming. For years, I sent friends, classmates, neighbors, my parents' friends greeting cards, even gifts. But only a handful have acknowledged receipt of these holiday cards. I am quite sure they received the cards, because undelivered snail mail always goes back to the sender and I always write a return address, even a phone number. Last month, I sent e cards and only six people emailed back and thanked me for remembering them on Christmas. I sent gifts but some did not even send a text to acknowledge receipt of my gift. Guess what? My cyber and Facebook friends have more decency, are more polite, than some of my "real" friends. They wrote on my timeline and greeted me on Christmas day. They "liked" my greeting, which means that they have read my e card, are thankful and wish me well too.
I shall forgive myself for not wanting to be friends with, not wanting to communicate with, not having to do anything with .... Just because we grew up together, or our parents are friends, does not in any way bind me to them. I am the main character in my life and I will choose who stays in it and who will not be in my future. Everything has an expiration, even relationships.
I shall forgive myself for getting upset, furious, mad, fiercely angry at her, who, for the longest time, considered me as a "stressor", her "bully" ( her term not mine ), in competition with her. I shall forgive her too, for telling friends and relatives lies about me, for accusing me of influencing people to not "communicate" with her. Hey little girl, grow up! People make up their own mind. If they choose not to be nice or "civil" with you, it is their choice, and no amount of convincing, pressure or "influence" will make them do or not do things! Stop that narcissistic rage!..... O well... The best way to get even with a narcissist is to leave her alone with her rage.
I shall forgive myself for being in a bad mood. It must be menopause. It is menopause. I am so lucky to have a Hubby, a Son, bff's and travel buddies. who are patient, who understand me and allow me to stay in bed longer than necessary. They embrace my silence or my fury whenever my moods become a roller coaster ride.
I shall forgive myself for sleepless nights, painful and crying episodes. That is how it is, and it is during these times when I am able to read, paint, write and pray. At two in the morning, what else can I do?
As I took a photo of the canvases and the new Christmas decors, I smiled and wished to live another year; to put up my Christmas tree in September; to cook Chinese Ham and eat Queso de Bola in December; to look forward to having luncheon dates and travel with the buddies; to watch movies with Hubby and Son; to try new restaurants and blog about them; to exercise so I can walk and be pain free; to finish my painting; to hold another exhibit; to trust Him and love His Mother more.
/ betsisanders 2013
Now for the serious part of this blog, the first for 2013. The topic of which is something I often think of and write about. It is what's needed to attain peace within. It is my favorite topic, (second to death) ... forgiveness. It isn't about forgiving others, but about forgiving myself.
I shall forgive myself for not losing weight. I actually gained eight pounds since May. The jeans that I bought at H&M. which fit me perfectly are now too tight. I promise to stick to my new diet, try to only consume 800 calories or less, and take the HCG drops regularly.
I shall forgive myself for being too blunt and straightforward, to the point of being obnoxious to an old friend. I shall forgive myself for sending her those messages. We have this financial problem between us that threatens our friendship.
I shall forgive myself for turning my back, walking away, closing doors and keeping those doors locked. I forgive myself for falling out of love. Love, like happiness, is a choice. I choose who to love and can always choose to stop loving. If a relationship feels heavy, or if remaining to be with someone is a huge effort, then, I might as well be alone, or only with those who love me back, love me more and love me most.
I shall forgive myself for not sending Christmas cards through snail mail. First of all, it is costly and time consuming. For years, I sent friends, classmates, neighbors, my parents' friends greeting cards, even gifts. But only a handful have acknowledged receipt of these holiday cards. I am quite sure they received the cards, because undelivered snail mail always goes back to the sender and I always write a return address, even a phone number. Last month, I sent e cards and only six people emailed back and thanked me for remembering them on Christmas. I sent gifts but some did not even send a text to acknowledge receipt of my gift. Guess what? My cyber and Facebook friends have more decency, are more polite, than some of my "real" friends. They wrote on my timeline and greeted me on Christmas day. They "liked" my greeting, which means that they have read my e card, are thankful and wish me well too.
I shall forgive myself for not wanting to be friends with, not wanting to communicate with, not having to do anything with .... Just because we grew up together, or our parents are friends, does not in any way bind me to them. I am the main character in my life and I will choose who stays in it and who will not be in my future. Everything has an expiration, even relationships.
I shall forgive myself for getting upset, furious, mad, fiercely angry at her, who, for the longest time, considered me as a "stressor", her "bully" ( her term not mine ), in competition with her. I shall forgive her too, for telling friends and relatives lies about me, for accusing me of influencing people to not "communicate" with her. Hey little girl, grow up! People make up their own mind. If they choose not to be nice or "civil" with you, it is their choice, and no amount of convincing, pressure or "influence" will make them do or not do things! Stop that narcissistic rage!..... O well... The best way to get even with a narcissist is to leave her alone with her rage.
I shall forgive myself for being in a bad mood. It must be menopause. It is menopause. I am so lucky to have a Hubby, a Son, bff's and travel buddies. who are patient, who understand me and allow me to stay in bed longer than necessary. They embrace my silence or my fury whenever my moods become a roller coaster ride.
I shall forgive myself for sleepless nights, painful and crying episodes. That is how it is, and it is during these times when I am able to read, paint, write and pray. At two in the morning, what else can I do?
As I took a photo of the canvases and the new Christmas decors, I smiled and wished to live another year; to put up my Christmas tree in September; to cook Chinese Ham and eat Queso de Bola in December; to look forward to having luncheon dates and travel with the buddies; to watch movies with Hubby and Son; to try new restaurants and blog about them; to exercise so I can walk and be pain free; to finish my painting; to hold another exhibit; to trust Him and love His Mother more.
*******
Now I've got to keep the decors and fix this room, so I can start painting.
It's the middle of January 2013, two weeks have gone by
and still more to do.
/ betsisanders 2013
********
http://betsisanders.blogspot.com/2012/01/twelve-hours-of-sleep-on-thoughts-blank.html
This is the link to last year's blog.
2012
" blank canvases & old Christmas decors to keep"
No comments:
Post a Comment