Moving Forward

Moving Forward

I needed to forget them,  and I did! It's been more than ten years with one frenemy, probably five with another and a couple of years with a relative. 

I was at a wake last weekend and when a friend asked the reason why I had a "falling out" of sorts with a common friend. ( I thought and said to myself "It was a falling out of love.") ... I didn't answer. I paused for a long while, tried to remember and couldn't. My friend, the attorney, answered for me. That's how it is, when I shield myself from unhappy memories, I forget them. I erase the people who caused me pain. That is moving forward. Others call it forgiving, which is "heroic". I'd rather forget, blur them, erase them, Photoshop my thoughts, banish them from my life.

Now that is so much easier to do with people who hurt me. Quite difficult with friends, my so-called friends. Those who I consider 'close', those I grew up with, those I shared teenage mischief and gimmicks with, those who are so busy with their lives and have taken me for granted, forgotten to call, text or email, those who didn't greet me last Christmas despite my early greetings, those who never remember my birthday, those who seemingly just forgot about me. 

I really don't want to be this overly sensitive person and let these feelings eat me up from inside. I know that the only way to go is forward. Leave that heavy baggage behind. Remember the two monks? One carried the woman across the river while the other reprimanded him for helping the woman. The monk who helped said, " I just helped her cross the river and have put her down. Why are you still carrying her?" 

These thoughts, this heaviness in my heart, are the excess baggage that I still carry. I don't like it and I know that those who love me dearly do not like to be around it too. I know that they think I should have gotten over it but this is who I am, an overly sensitive person.

You were once a part of my life, a classmate, a seat mate, a buddy, a friend, a sister. You are no longer a part of my life now. Somehow, I hope that you would tell me to let go. But how is that possible? You don't even acknowledge my existence. You remember me occasionally when you need a phone number  or an email address, and it pains me to realize or admit to myself that you never really think about me, nor ever really cared at all. You only cared about yourself, your narcissistic ego.

I want to be what I used to be before I ever knew all of you. It pains me to think that I was just someone you used to know, you used to talk to, you used to go out with or someone you used. Days turn to months then to years without you ever looking back to what we had, what we shared or what we did. You don't have those memories. I do.

I shall walk away. Move forward. Move toward being the person I used to be before you all came into my life. Make a conscious effort to forget those who no longer care about me. 

I want to still  be the strong woman I have always been. I miss me. Sometimes I have forgotten how to be me. 

People hurt because people love. But love shouldn't hurt at all! 

I wish that you and I can be pleasant acquaintances. If we see each other, we'll say hello, have coffee, talk a little, part ways and I shall go about the rest of my day as if nothing happened. I pray that one day this is going to happen. 

I am dealing with ways to remove you from my thoughts, my heart and my life. Someday, I will get there!  I shall work on myself. Be grateful to and happy with those who love me, love me back, love me more and love me most, and you are not  one of them.  

/ betsisanders 2013