betsisanders' wishes

Betsisanders' wishes...
 
To laugh as often as I can 
To giggle or chuckle 
.. not whimper, sob or weep
.. and hope to never shed another tear. 
To grab every chance on happiness 
To dance to the music that life plays 
To sing or hum along with life's melodies
To receive all that life gives me
To accept, even if it breaks my heart
To learn from these heartaches 
To grab every opportunity to make myself a better, 
more caring and more loving individual,
To gain and benefit from life's blessings
To endure the suffering caused by failed relationships
To bear the pain from the holes in my heart 
To allow others to mend and fill up these holes
To heal and forgive fast
To never be angry, hurt, or lonely 
To never despair or lose hope
To love more those beautiful persons who love me back 
To not fear death, instead ... start living
To want or desire some things 
... and let the universe help in obtaining all these wishes
To pray and always be thankful
To someday be with loved ones who have gone ahead
To take my place, my reserved seat, beside my Creator
To be remembered by you
To be kept in your heart always
To know that my purpose and journey 
Has brought meaning in your life. 
So dear friend, stay safe
When the time comes that I cannot be with you
Keep me in your heart 
.... remember me in every drop of rain 
That's me, crying ... every teardrop comes from my loving heart.

/ betsisanders 

Moving Forward

Moving Forward

I needed to forget them,  and I did! It's been more than ten years with one frenemy, probably five with another and a couple of years with a relative. 

I was at a wake last weekend and when a friend asked the reason why I had a "falling out" of sorts with a common friend. ( I thought and said to myself "It was a falling out of love.") ... I didn't answer. I paused for a long while, tried to remember and couldn't. My friend, the attorney, answered for me. That's how it is, when I shield myself from unhappy memories, I forget them. I erase the people who caused me pain. That is moving forward. Others call it forgiving, which is "heroic". I'd rather forget, blur them, erase them, Photoshop my thoughts, banish them from my life.

Now that is so much easier to do with people who hurt me. Quite difficult with friends, my so-called friends. Those who I consider 'close', those I grew up with, those I shared teenage mischief and gimmicks with, those who are so busy with their lives and have taken me for granted, forgotten to call, text or email, those who didn't greet me last Christmas despite my early greetings, those who never remember my birthday, those who seemingly just forgot about me. 

I really don't want to be this overly sensitive person and let these feelings eat me up from inside. I know that the only way to go is forward. Leave that heavy baggage behind. Remember the two monks? One carried the woman across the river while the other reprimanded him for helping the woman. The monk who helped said, " I just helped her cross the river and have put her down. Why are you still carrying her?" 

These thoughts, this heaviness in my heart, are the excess baggage that I still carry. I don't like it and I know that those who love me dearly do not like to be around it too. I know that they think I should have gotten over it but this is who I am, an overly sensitive person.

You were once a part of my life, a classmate, a seat mate, a buddy, a friend, a sister. You are no longer a part of my life now. Somehow, I hope that you would tell me to let go. But how is that possible? You don't even acknowledge my existence. You remember me occasionally when you need a phone number  or an email address, and it pains me to realize or admit to myself that you never really think about me, nor ever really cared at all. You only cared about yourself, your narcissistic ego.

I want to be what I used to be before I ever knew all of you. It pains me to think that I was just someone you used to know, you used to talk to, you used to go out with or someone you used. Days turn to months then to years without you ever looking back to what we had, what we shared or what we did. You don't have those memories. I do.

I shall walk away. Move forward. Move toward being the person I used to be before you all came into my life. Make a conscious effort to forget those who no longer care about me. 

I want to still  be the strong woman I have always been. I miss me. Sometimes I have forgotten how to be me. 

People hurt because people love. But love shouldn't hurt at all! 

I wish that you and I can be pleasant acquaintances. If we see each other, we'll say hello, have coffee, talk a little, part ways and I shall go about the rest of my day as if nothing happened. I pray that one day this is going to happen. 

I am dealing with ways to remove you from my thoughts, my heart and my life. Someday, I will get there!  I shall work on myself. Be grateful to and happy with those who love me, love me back, love me more and love me most, and you are not  one of them.  

/ betsisanders 2013

January 2013

January 2013 in pictures! 

Thought I'd choose the nicer photographs and compile them every  month,

 instead of posting hundreds of photos that clutter my timeline and my blog. 

It is indeed a Happy New Year! 

Balikbayan friend Christine in Manila again!

Dinner at Gerry's. Claribel's advance birthday celebration!

Dinner with Balikbayan colleague Dr. Nancy Madera-Tan

and Class 83 friends (January 26, 2013)

At Cabalen Restaurant. 

Here's the Hubby and the Son! 

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Joint birthday celebration of Debra & betsisanders 

at  UCC, Podium. (January 21, 2013)

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Despedida lunch at Sambokojin, EDSA for Dr. Aimee.

(January 18, 2013)

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With Joy & Aya (January 12, 2013)

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Lunch at Banana Leaf, Promenade for Balikbayan friends,

Dr. Aimee & Celine  (January  9, 2013)

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At Dr. Butch's residence.  

Dr. Butch's painting behind us and his adorable pet friend. 

With Tita Chit during Tito Nard's 40th

(January 6, 2013)

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Dinner at Thai Pan (January 2, 2013)

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/ betsisanders 2013

Seriously, why am I still in Facebook?

Seriously, why am I still in Facebook? 

"Facebook is the place where people act as fools and annoy their friends with just one click. So why not delete facebook?"

What? Delete facebook? .. and miss out on birthday notifications, unverified news articles, trending videos & tweets, metro deals, latest purchases of shoes and bags, someone's dinner, food finds, another's travel pics, recent break-ups, current partners, complicated liaisons ........ ? Hmmmmm... Maybe .... Not just yet.... But eventually ! 

Just a few types of annoying Facebook peeps according to an article I read recently at Thought Catalog, probably written by a 20 year old. [ So sorry, I can't seem to find the name of the author. Been searching for an hour and still can't find the original article. :( ] .... finally found it... Sydney Nikols, thanks dear :) 

1) The Photo Hoarder

No thanks for saving up a year’s worth of photos and then deciding to post them all within the same three minutes. You are helping neither me nor yourself, especially since I now feel morally obligated to never ever “like” anything of yours ever again. Yours is a sad social media fate, sir.

2) The “Notes” Abuser

It’s a widely accepted fact that Instagram is meant for pictures, not words. By writing something in your notes app, taking a screen shot of it, and then sharing it on Instagram, you are essentially breaking into my safe place unannounced and attacking me with a baseball bat full of depressing lyrics and BFFL shout-outs. I could totally have you arrested for this.

3) The Obsessive Throwback Thursdayer

Again, invasion of safe zone. If I wanted to see pictures of a skinnier you in a high school soccer jersey, I could just go to Facebook! (Disclaimer: I don’t want to do that at all.) Also, please keep in mind that Throwback Thursday and Flashback Friday are the exact same thing. If you are participating in both of these fake social media holidays, I might recommend table tennis! Or going outside! Or any other kind of hobby!

4) The Constant Re-grammer

Thanks for reposting that pic of you and your girls out on the town! I didn’t really care about it when Shoshana posted it originally, but now that you’re posting it I’m totally appreciating its merit!

5) The Text Message Sharer

It’s occasionally okay to take a screenshot of your text conversation and Instagram it, but only under one condition: the text message exchange has to be legitimately funny. This does not include your mom saying something slightly zany or you and your best friend discussing how totally hungover you are. I’m looking for actual comedy here, people. I’m hard to please, I know.

6) The Relentless “Selfie” Poster

At this point, I’ve memorized your bedroom walls, am over-familiarized with your “slight kissy face” look, and have a pretty good grasp on how fast your hair grows. All this and I don’t even know what town you grew up in. Something is dreadfully wrong with this picture. 

Ha ha ha ha ....

I could add a few more annoying stuff that my Facebook friends do.

7) The Infinite Sharer

You'd actually know that she has lots of free time in her hands, do not really have a lot of things to do, because she shares everything and anything she sees in her News Feed. Like about 15 or more you tube videos, quotations, DIY arts and crafts, ... only to name a few. Girl, you can do that in Pinterest, not Facebook. 

8) The Perpetual Tourist

As if she works in a traveling agency, has accumulated thousands of Mabuhay Miles, has a generous drug company sponsoring her trips abroad, or probably has a dozen moles under her soles. It would be much appreciated if she would at least write about the places she's been to or at least acknowledge her benefactors.

9) The AK ... All Knowing

Been there done that kind of person. Jack of all trades. Career woman, perfect wife, doting mom, self trained 'chef', party planner, events coordinator, org chairman, restaurant and food specialist... Name it, she's It! 

Hmmmmm .... So, why am I still in Facebook?  

/ betsisanders 2013

Why are we not friends ... anymore?

Why are we not friends ... anymore? 

I've met a lot of people in my life, yet, I only consider a few as close friends. There are a few hundreds who have stayed in my list of FB friends. I deleted some two hundred a few years back and restricted about fifty from my present list. 

I could probably be close to some new people and it would be good or even great. But somehow, I am not capable of adding new friends  in my life. These are some of the reasons why:

* You live, well, at the other side of town. That wouldn't be convenient for you or for me to see each other often.

* You are so much older, like 15 years older, than I am and I don't want to be your caregiver, your "lady-in waiting", personal assistant, driver and yaya anymore.

* You are younger by a lot of years. I don't want a caregiver and don't want to look like your mother when we hang out,

* You and I don't share childhood memories, teenage mischief or college gimmicks.

* You and I have had a "falling out" of sorts... Falling out of love would be apt. 

* You and I do not share the same religious views. 

* You deleted me in Facebook. I wonder why? You probably saw pictures of your ex- boyfriend with me. Hey, he was my classmate. Why hold it against me? 

Hmmmmm .... I have friends only because we became buddies when I was much younger, when I was  more optimistic towards life, when I needed to belong, be part of a group, when I needed to socialize. At my age, I don't need a lot, don't want anything more, and do not hope much. I treasure silence. I crave for solitude. I enjoy my 'me' time.

I am most comfortable with my old friends. They accept and tolerate my moods. They know when I can be 'noisy' with them. They also know when to take a step back, give me space, and  not text or call before noon. Someday,hopefully soonest, I'll maybe call you.  In the meantime, I look forward to our next 'superficial' encounter. ... Hee hee hee ... So .... I'll see you when I see you. Probably in my next life. 

/ betsisanders 2013 

John Green's Looking for Alaska, a great read!

January 22. 2013

I just finished reading a book that my son bought, probably for his English or Asian Studies classes. At first, I thought that the book was meant for young people, his age group, until I got to the middle of the book. It's about life, spirituality, religion, sex, love, friendship, forgiveness, death and grief, as seen, experienced and narrated by a young man, Pudge, as he's fondly called by his friends. ( John Green's "Looking for Alaska")

[I used to suggest books for the Son to read. Now, it is he who gives me books. I am happy that I coerced him into taking Philosophy, as a preMed or preLaw course in UP.  He will be graduating next year and has been a consistent Dean's lister, a university/college scholar in Diliman. He has grown to become a very responsible young man. We, sometimes, if not often,  have "intelligent conversations". That was how he described our exchange of thoughts and ideas when his dad asked what we were doing.] 

Back to the book I just read. Just some "quotes" from the book!

"I go to seek a Great Perhaps."

"I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps."

"They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing."
 
"... people believed in the afterlife because they couldn't bear not to."

"There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or save us, that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow --- that, in short, we are all going."

"You can't just make me different and then leave."

"You can't just make yourself matter and then die."

"...there is no best and no worst... there is only what is"

"Everything that comes together falls apart."

"..memories fall apart too, and then you're left with nothing."

"How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?"

"... we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth."

" ... thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth is to pretend that it did not exist..."

"I believe in the Great Perhaps, and I can believe in it in spite of having lost her."

"... the afterlife is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable."

".. we are greater than the sum of our parts...There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed."

"... that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and  cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

"it's very beautiful over there."

"I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."

********

Thanks Son for this great read. Surely loved it! 

/ betsisanders 2013

A dying man needs to die

As I was cleaning the shelves near my bed, I found my little book, “The Pocket Buddha Reader”.  I have not seen this book for a long time. I never got to finish reading it, because after every page, every paragraph that I read, I pause. then go on thinking and contemplating on every verse. My mind is bombarded with thoughts, more questions, every time I open this book.

I randomly opened the small book and here is what I read.

Moghavagan came to the Buddha. “I have come to you with a question, great sage.  I am afraid of death. Is there any way to look upon the world so as not to be seen by the king of death?”

“Look upon the world as empty,” the Buddha replied. “This is the way to overcome death. Cease thinking of yourself an entity that really exists. If you look on the world in this way, you will never be seen by the king of death.”

Hmmmm….  Here I am at two in the morning, writing about death, and the paragraph that I quoted confuses me.  How can I think of myself as an entity that doesn't exist? I feel, I think, I care, I love, I fear, I hate, I ache … I have all these emotions.  I was awakened by physical pain. My neck, shoulders, arms, hands and upper back hurt so much that I just had to take three more pills to be relieved of this suffering. Pain is real, unrelenting. Pain is as human as I can get, and it reminds me that I exist.  … and that death is the only way to free me from this constant suffering.

Oh my dear … the first blog of 2013 is about pain, suffering and death.  That is just how it is. Death is part of the cycle of life. Stewart Alsop says “A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless to resist.” I say, a poet needs to write, a painter needs to paint, a singer needs to sing, a dancer needs to dance,  and a dying man needs to die.”

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/ betsisanders 2013

In 2013, I shall forgive myself for ...

2013

"canvases and new Christmas decors to keep"



Exactly around this time last year, I blogged about "thoughts, quotes ....blank canvases and christmas decors to keep", [with a photo of two big blank museum wrapped canvases and some Christmas decors lying around the massage bed.] [It has been 365 days since and the bigger canvas is still blank,  untouched. I've done a bit of painting on the smaller canvas, but still need to finish the painting. Scattered on the floor beside the canvases are new Christmas decors that need to be kept and stored for next season. I bought  these decors yesterday morning. I  woke up at 7 am,  slept only for a couple of hours, so I could be at the mall as soon as it opened. Decors were on sale at  50% off. 

Now for the serious part of this blog, the first for 2013. The topic of which is something  I often think of and write about. It is what's needed to attain peace within.   It is my favorite topic, (second to death) ... forgiveness. It isn't about forgiving others, but about forgiving myself.

I shall forgive myself for not losing weight. I actually gained  eight pounds since May. The jeans that I bought at H&M.  which fit me perfectly are now too tight. I promise to stick to my new diet, try to only consume 800 calories or less,  and take the HCG drops regularly.

I shall forgive myself for being too blunt and  straightforward, to the point of being obnoxious to an old friend. I shall forgive myself for sending her those messages. We have this financial problem between us that threatens our friendship.

I shall forgive myself for turning my back, walking away, closing doors and keeping those doors locked. I forgive myself for falling out of love. Love, like happiness, is a choice. I choose who to love and can always choose to stop loving. If a relationship feels heavy, or if remaining to be with someone is a huge effort, then, I might as well be alone, or only with those who love me back, love me more and love me most.

I shall forgive myself for not sending Christmas cards through snail mail. First of all, it is costly and time consuming. For years, I sent friends, classmates, neighbors, my parents' friends greeting cards, even gifts. But only a handful have acknowledged receipt of these holiday cards. I am quite sure they received the cards, because undelivered snail mail always goes back to the sender and I always write a return address, even a phone number. Last month, I sent e cards and only six people emailed back and thanked me for remembering them on Christmas. I sent gifts but some did not even  send a text to acknowledge receipt of my gift. Guess what? My cyber and Facebook friends have more decency, are more polite, than some of my "real" friends. They wrote on my timeline and greeted me on Christmas day. They "liked" my greeting, which means that they have read my e card, are thankful and wish me well too.

I shall forgive myself for not wanting to be friends with, not wanting to communicate with, not having to do anything with .... Just because we grew up together, or our parents are  friends, does not in any way bind me to them. I am the main character in my life and I will choose who stays in it and who will not be in my future. Everything has an expiration, even relationships. 

I shall forgive myself for  getting upset,  furious,  mad, fiercely angry at her, who, for the longest time,  considered me  as a "stressor",  her "bully" ( her term not mine ), in competition with her. I shall forgive her too, for telling friends and relatives lies about me, for accusing me of influencing people to not "communicate" with her. Hey little girl, grow up! People make up their own mind. If they choose not to be nice or "civil" with you, it is their choice, and no amount of convincing, pressure or "influence" will make them do  or not do things! Stop that narcissistic rage!..... O well... The best way to get even with a narcissist is to leave her alone with her rage.

I shall forgive myself for  being in a bad mood. It must be menopause. It is menopause. I am so lucky to have a Hubby, a Son, bff's and travel buddies. who are patient, who understand me and allow me to stay in bed longer than necessary. They embrace my silence or my fury whenever my moods become a roller coaster ride.

I shall forgive myself  for sleepless nights, painful and crying episodes. That is how it is, and it is during these times when I am able to read, paint, write and pray. At two in the morning, what else can I do?

As I took a photo of the canvases and the new Christmas decors, I smiled and wished to live another year; to put up my Christmas tree in September; to cook Chinese Ham  and eat Queso de Bola in December; to look forward to having luncheon dates and travel  with the buddies; to watch movies with Hubby and Son; to try new restaurants and blog about them; to exercise so I can walk and be pain free; to finish my painting; to hold another exhibit; to trust Him and love His Mother more. 

*******

Now I've got to keep the decors and fix this room, so I can start painting. 

It's the middle of January 2013, two weeks have gone by 

and still more to do.

/ betsisanders 2013

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http://betsisanders.blogspot.com/2012/01/twelve-hours-of-sleep-on-thoughts-blank.html

This is the link to last year's blog.

2012

 " blank canvases & old  Christmas decors to keep"





The Year (2012) That Was

January 2012 / Blank Canvases & Christmas Decors to keep

  Docchito was in Manila. Birthday dinner at Cyma, Greenbelt, Makati.

Multiple Birthday Celebrations.

Tito Cords turned 90. Tita Sabel enjoyed the live singing performance

 of Christ the King Choir, Docchito's friends.

We miss you Tita Sabel. Watch over us in heaven.

February - Joint birthday dinner of Debra, Thelma & me

at Uncle Cheffy. 

March 2012 / Floral Choral Art Exhibit

March - Bern from Melbourne came to visit

Dr. Joy Lua was here too.

Visited my Dad in Roseville

April- May 2012

Summer Holiday in Palawan

May 2012

With Dr. Tess & Ditdit at Rockwell

June 2012 

Angkor Thom, Siem Reap, Cambodia

July 2012

Angkor Wat, Siem Reap. Cambodia

Sunset at Angkor Wat

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Lovely, aren't they?

with my pretty classmates at Basil. 

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With DOF Debbie in Tagaytay

The Travel Buddies at Sambokojin, Eastwood

July - Cynthia's birthday treat at Friday's

At Alabang Town Center with Drs. Tinali, Angge, Cesbau & Alan Roa

At Buffet 101, Robinson's Magnolia

September 17, 2012

A Night for Friends Concert of 8 Track Band

With my BBFF's

beautiful best friends forever

 Cynthia and Aya

during the concert

"A Night for Friends" 

At Subic Bay - to meet Dr. Cristina (my niece)

 & her boyfriend (Ashley)

Aya and I at WAFU 

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Christmas in September

At Binulo Clark, with Drs. Ranny, JT & Hubby

September 2012 /Chet was in town, with Eric, Bingo & Butch

September 2012 /Think Sheep Band in Fontana

Angela's birthday at Kangaroo Jack

Post Halloween Celebration. Huge Big Guys Pizza!

Hanoi, Vietnam / October 2012

Cathedral in Hanoi / October 2012

November 2012 with Aya

November 2012 with Christine Milunski

 November 2012 Dad turns 83

November 2012 / Dad and Pocholo's birthday party

San Andres Annual Christmas Dinner

December 2012

Post Christmas Dinner with UPSCAn's

Lunch at Friday's in Trinoma after coming from Fontana.

December 27 to 30 / Fontana, Clark

Happy New Year !!!

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/ betsisanders 2012