If you fail today, begin again tomorrow

 

 

I dwell on the past most days. There are days that I only remember the unhappy times, how I have been hurt, how I have lost loved ones, then, the tears come. It is probably that time of the month again, but lately, the visitor hasn't arrived on schedule. Seems that these episodes happen any time, all the time now. It must be perimenopause.

Ruminating is what I do. It is thinking deeply about anything, which I do quite often, casually, slowly and repeatedly that triggers my crying episodes, causes sadness, even anger and anxiety. This then leads to my endless nagging, where I utter painful, tactless, awful words to anybody that crosses my path, usually the Hubby.

If only I would do contemplation, a more positive definition of rumination, all the time.

"Contemplative prayer was first done by monks in the 3rd century, who lived in isolation in desert mountains. St. Anthony of the Desert,a revered Egyptian monk, lived like a hermit, he moved away from society and lived in the desert, in 270 A.D. Many others followed his lifestyle and became hermits. Eighty years later, the first monastery was built and brought the hermits together under one roof. They lived 'monastic' lives in a congregation, instead of each one living alone in the desert."

"Our Catholic practice of saying the rosary, when we contemplate on the mysteries of the rosary and repetitively say the prayers, the Our Father, Hail Mary & Glory Be, then visualize these mysteries, is contemplative prayer."

"Christian meditation is another popular method of contemplative prayer, where a strong emphasis is placed on interior silence. The purpose is to clear the mind of rational thought, in order to focus on the indwelling of presence. Christians would sit comfortably, close their eyes, relax, be quiet and try to be in love and faith with God. They would then choose a sacred word like Jesus, God, Abba, Spirit, or love etc... Then they let the word be gently present as their symbol of pure intention to be in the Lord's presence, thus, they open themselves to the divine action within them. Whenever they become aware of anything (thoughts, feelings, perceptions, images, etc) , they simply return to their sacred word, their anchor."

But then again, when I start praying, I still start crying.

What works really is meditation.

"Mindful awareness... a form of meditation that can free one from intrusive thoughts. The idea is to identify a destructive thought pattern then simply label it, watch it and let it pass by whenever it happens in your mind. Follow the thought, then it will eventually disappear. Free the mind from any thought, no thoughts, and feel the Presence, the Being." To be fully in the present, in silence.

I pray for peace and happiness all the time.

But I always end up doing what I have always done, ruminate. I failed again today.

"The past has disappeared and the future doesn't exist til we get there."

 [ from the movie Middle of Nowhere ]

I am hopeful that tomorrow, I will begin and try to be a better version of myself.
/ betsisanders 2012

 

 

I haven't been painting for months.

It's just that every joint in my entire body hurts all the time.

 This pain, this suffering, causes sleeplessness, that leads to sadness. 

I failed to paint today, I shall try again tomorrow, if tomorrow comes.