Why do I hurt ?
Like when friends forget to greet me on my birthday. I am a golden girl and I still look forward to every birthday. I remember when I was a Freshman student at UP Diliman, while smoking in the corridor, waiting for my 8 am Spanish class, I told a stranger, another 'Iska', probably a classmate, that it was my birthday. You should have seen the expression on her face ... stupefied, unable to speak, surprised, shocked, bewildered and sort of panicked ... then she greeted me like we were super close buddies.
Even if I get invites from friends so they can add me in their birthday calendar, I seldom tell them my birthday. I love it when they remember, not when Facebook sends them birthday reminders. O well ... that's betsisanders, super matampuhin, in English, there is no exact English equivalent; basically a feeling of being hurt, bad feeling, super sensitive, or 'tamporurut'.
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A month ago, I was exchanging emails with a long time friend from dental school,and told him that I was in the States visiting my 82 year old Dad, who was then confined in a nursing home, recuperating from pneumonia and early stages of Parkinsonism. While he shared how his mother in law has refused treatment for her cancer and was slowly fading away.
While having lunch with some UP Diliman friends, they mentioned that the mother in law had passed. I I just had to send him an SMS ... I asked why he didn't tell me? He told another friend and thought that the friend would inform everyone, but didn't. I sent my condolences thru text. But it would have been preferable and more appropriate to have gone to the wake, than sending just a mere, plain text message.
So why did he tell another friend and not me? He must have his own reasons. He must have been super stressed, weary, drained and exhausted. I do understand. But I cannot help feeling left out, a bit hurt ... again, 'magtamporurut'.
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At my age, I should have learned my lessons, should know where I stand among friends; should know that I am not salient, significant or prominent enough. I should just keep a safe distance, to avoid being hurt again. oh.. but he did say sorry for not telling me.
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As I got older, not wiser ;) , I needed to detach myself from some people or activity that I feel no longer makes me happy. I felt that being with them was more of a liability. I felt that they were dragging me down to their level, gossip girls, as I now refer to them. I used to just tolerate and ignore the many things they say about others, until one day, they started talking about me. We became too close for comfort. They knew my schedule. They even knew what time I sleep or wake up everyday. They knew where I would spend my free time. One of them even knew where I keep my spare keys to all the bedrooms in my house.
I like being with those who love me, love me more and love me most. These few wonderful individuals make me grow, give me space and let me breathe. They are generous with praise. They give me surprise birthday parties. They let me sleep as long as I want and not intrude in my daily activities. They don't call me early in the morning. They understand when i need to just lie down, be quiet, rest my aching body or sleep for long hours. They wait , patiently wait, until I am 'normal' again, strong enough to go malling, food tripping, have fun and laugh with them. They simply let me be.
Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. It doesn't matter anymore. My time is short and one day, nothing will matter except those special individuals who matter to me because they love me, love me more and love me most.
betsisanders / August 1, 2012 (dawn)
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